YOU KNOW...I WAS JUST THINKING...

Hi. I'm Uncle Bob. These are my P's and Q's. Please help me mind them.

...

Am I the only one who gets really freaked out every time Tom Brokaw grabs his crotch and makes lewd suggestions while doing the news?

...

If you are going to stop in the name of love, at least have the common courtesy to do it before you break my heart. I mean, c'mon ... think it o-o-over.

...

I'm such a loser that Dairy Queen won't treat me right.

...

Sorry I'm late. I've been at the beach, yelling "SHARK! SHARRRRK!" at the top of my lungs for kicks.

...

I think the thing I like most about Labor Day is all the presents made of latex and rubber.

...

I have to ask ... who the hell REALLY wants to go round the Mulberry Bush so G-damned early in the morning???

...

You know ... I would watch more television if more shows had Tiffany Amber Thiessen in them. And she was naked. And I was the star. God ... I need some caffeine ...

...

Those guys in the Miller Lite commercials have it all wrong. It isn't less filling OR better tasting. It's pure pig slobber.

...

One time I looked straight into an eclipse and it didn't burn my eyes out of my head like my teacher said it would. But it did fry my corneas to a crisp so now everyone calls me "Crusty."

...

Hangovers are God's way of punishing the stupid without actually killing them.

...

Don't know much about history. Don't know much of biology.

Don't know much about the French I took. Don't know much about algebra books.

What I do know is I must be one of the most retarded people walking the streets in this country.

Sheesh.

And somebody handed me a diploma, shook my hand and said "Congratulations?"

...

I have a theory that if cats were to ever manage to climb to the top of the evolutional ladder and run this planet, it would sure stink a whole lot worse.

...

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day. I've got the music in me. I've got the whole world in my hands. ...But I ain't got you.

...

I think the best anniversary gift you can give someone is the gift of loyalty. Or a really cool new Play Station game called "Slaughterhouse III: Revenge of the Zombie Moms."

...

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. Unless you lose.

...

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Unless you get a couple of friends to help you force his head into the trough. And at first, you know, it'll seem like the horse is drowning. But dammit horse...DRINK!!

...

Two priests walk into a bar. Ouch.

...

Get your mind out of the gutter! And could you fish mine out while you're down there?

...

I love cats ... medium rare with a baked potato ...

...

I've decided that my next book will be an unauthorized autobiography.

...

Ya know ... if some lazy assed manicurist told ME that I was soaking in Palmolive dishwashing detergent, I might just have to freak out and get all kung-fu on her ass.

...

Here's a fun trick to play on someone today ... If the phone rings and it's for them, say "I think it's the Police, something about you setting a church on fire" and then watch the hilarity ensue. And if it doesn't work the first time, keep repeating it. People love to hear a bad joke over and over again. Trust me ... I've been doing it ever since I started this stupid diary.

...

I can't get no satisfaction. But I try. And I try. And I try. And I try. But I can't get no. Satisfaction. Get the picture? Me neither.

...

Deep down I'm a nice guy. Somewhere in my lower intestines.

...

The biggest misconception amongst today's children is that we still give two craps about them once they start school.

...

If you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at the less fortunate.

...

Some people call me the Space Cowboy. Those are the people who really need their asses kicked.

...

In a perfect world, there would be total racial harmony. Unfortunately ... there's too many Canadians for that kind of nonsense.

...

I think Pee Wee Herman said it best when he said "I was just stretching it."

...

It takes a village to raise a child. But it only takes a small neighborhood to raise a hamster. I'm sticking with the hamster.

...

A bird in the hand can get kind of messy.

...

If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? No pal, Ghostbusters went out of business years ago. Call the cops, you moron.

...

Does fake fur come from stuffed animals?

...

Why does my dog choose the toilet over her water bowl for drinking purposes? Is it because I pee in her water dish?

...

Guns are like car brakes ... when you need 'em, you REALLY need 'em.

...

I'm so happy I could shit Judy Garland records.

...

I think I've finally saved enough money to buy a stairway to Heaven.

...

When John F. Kennedy Jr. died, a lot of people were sad. But on the brighter side ... all us guys moved up a notch on People's Sexiest Man in the World List ...

...

I think my life started going downhill the day my Siamese twin committed suicide.

...

When things go wrong in life, I tend to smile. That's because I've already decided on who I'm going to blame.

...

I went to the doctor today because I kept getting a burning sensation every time I forget to use oven mitts.

...

I think it's in bad taste that ABC is slapping together a movie about Aayliyah so quickly. I also think it's in worse taste to name it "Romeo and Aayliyah Must Die."

...

I think plaque is something that dentists secretly put on our teeth so we will buy dental floss which is just high priced string so they can play golf on Fridays and everyone still gets paid for a day off, thanks to the floss scam. I haven't figured out how they get it on our teeth without our knowledge, but I bet they sneak in our houses some nights and paint them. Then again ... I haven't had my medication this morning and am feeling rather paranoid.

...

If it were up to me, I would change "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" to "Let's Get Psyched to Tussle."

...

I think that the thing I hate worse about facing reality is I can't do it via the Internet.

...

I'm so pretty I make a blind lady's nipples hard.

...

Right now, my best friend are these little chocolate mini donuts.

...

If I had a dime for every time my dad said "You are an adult now, quit asking for money from us," well then ... I'd have a dime.

...

Once I thought I had found the "Yellow Brick Road" and set off to follow it to Oz - imagine my disappointment when I realized I was in a downtown alley following a trail of piss from some passed out drunk.

...

How do dogs learn to have sex?

...

Have you ever been so thirsty you drank a cup of Clorox?

Well, I bet that sounds mighty tasty to those folks in Ambazawamba right about now, huh? Those people have no dignity.

...

It's the dawning of a new era. And I'm not wearing any pants.

...

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

...

I want you (I want you)

I need you (I need you)

But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you

Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)

At least you're getting laid.

...

You know ... if I had had had (sorry ... hiccups) the chance ... I probably would have been a male stripper. But then again ... I have the willie of a handicapped turtle.