IF YOU STARE AT YOUR RING AND WISH YOU WERE A MAGICAL ELF, YOU MIGHT BE A DORK

Two days left.

Eleven days off.

I think ... no wait....

Yep.

I just wet my pants.

I spent yesterday afternoon calling and re-calling every single person whose company has agreed to participate in one of our books who I had yet to speak to.

I called 64 different companies. That's a lot.

I was calling from one end of the nation to the other, leaving the exact same message for each one.

"Hi this is Uncle Bob from that book company. Recently you agreed to have your company featured in our book about Boise/Eugene/Philadelphia/Hampton Roads/Canton/Oakland and I was just calling to arrange a time and date where we can talk about your business. If you wouldn't mind calling me back as soon as possible, we can go ahead and move forward on this project. Thanks! Have a grrrrrreat day!"

I have this exact spiel written down on a piece of paper that is taped to my desk.

I no longer need to read it ... I know it verbatim.

The vice president of Hewlett Packard is one of the few people that called me back yesterday.

I gushed about my new HP digital camera that I bought this weekend. The guy was all like "Yeah...that's great...so ... about this interview?" and I was all like "....And I took pictures of my dog, and my son, and my son with my wife and my son with my dog and then pictures of some grass and some pictures of my son watching TV and some pictures that didn't turn out that good and some pictures...."

Way to impress vice presidents of companies Volume One: Suck up big time and hope for a new camera in the process.

Anyway, that's how I spent my afternoon.

Dammit!!

I just checked my Ebay auction for that "Twin Peaks" DVD that I wanted and some idiot not only outbid me, but apparently bid the exact price that the seller wanted, so the seller stopped the auction.

DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!

This whole Ebay thing is going to cause me more heartache than I'm willing to accept.

So I think I'm just going to lay low on the whole Ebay experience.

I'm sad.

Damned near heartbroken.

This might mean that I have to go out and actually get a life.

Son of a bitch.

I wanted to go to Mellow Mushroom after church last night, but it was so crowded, there were kids sitting out on the curb waiting to get in.

Sure enough, I checked and there were a ton of geeks, dweebs and dorks (oh my!) who had just gotten out of the "Lord of the Cockrings" flick inside.

I could tell because they were all salivating more than usual and beating each other up out of jubilation, using their asthma inhalers like they were magic wands. And even in the car, I could hear them reciting lines from the movie in bad British accents. Saying shit like "To infinity ... AND BEYOND!!"

Now then ... if you happen to be one of those geeks who went to see the movie, you're cool. Only because you read my diary. That's the only cool thing about you though, Senor Dorkimus. You may want to rethink your strategy on how to get through life without getting the snot kicked out of you in various social circumstances though, because you have seen the film, which opens you up to a whole world of new beatings you should be receiving from cool people in the near future.

May the fellowship of the rings be with you.

Oh. And some brass knucks probably wouldn't hurt, either.

Before the church service last night, I was telling the preacher and his wife about how Andrew "got frisky" with my head the other night.

The wife didn't understand what I was trying to say. So I said he "got romantic" with my head.

She was still clueless.

Finally I said "He violated my head with his crotch in a steady rhythm."

She blushed.

Then admitted that their little boy does the same thing.

Anyway, a few minutes later, I was walking into the sanctuary and the preacher shook my hand and told me how glad he was that I was coming to the church now and how I added a whole new dimension to the congregation.

I snickered.

He did too.

He sooooo wants to be a bad boy like me. But he's got this whole contract with God thing that forces him to be a nice guy.

So I think he lives vicariously through my sassiness.

I dunno.

I'm tired.

And I'm finished here for the time being.