MY VACATION IS OVER SIX DAYS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE

A short abbreviated entry since the rest of the family is already awake and making noise. More specifically ... Susie saying "Do you HAVE to get on that computer every single morning?"

Why yes, dear. It sure as hell beats sitting here listening to you cough up a phlegm-coated lung.

Susie has been coughing non-stop since October. I quit sleeping in the same bed with her about four weeks ago because as soon as she lays down flat, her chest gets congested and the hacking, wheezing, sputtering coughs start.

Naturally, she sleeps right through them.

Me, on the other hand...I lay there and think if any jury in the world would convict me if I smothered her to death with my pillow.

JUDGE:"What sayeth you?"

ME: "Maaaaan...she's been coughing for six weeks straight. I've gotten 90 minutes of sleep since October."

JUDGE: "Jury?"

JURY: (in unison)"Let him go."

ME: "Coooooool."

I have pleaded with her to go to the Doc In A Box today to get some prescription cough syrup today. After tonight, I have to sleep with her for a week and I'm NOT looking forward to it, since it means the bed will shake and she'll be spewing straight into my face every night.

She's asleep as she coughs, which is no small miracle. It's like sleeping through an amputation with no sedatives. I just don't get it. Her coughing rocks the foundation of the house and she's inches from my face, gagging and hacking all over me.

I've tried punching her hard between the eyes to see if that would make her stop.

She doesn't even wake up. Which tells ya what a weakling I am.

So tomorrow, we leave to go visit my parents for a day.

When we get back to town ... the dreaded knee-humpers will be here for their one week stay.

I'm sick just thinking about it.

Susie's mother talked to her sister in Texas and TOLD HER that her family could stay in my house while we were gone to S.C.

This infuriated me.

Susie talked to her sister Christmas night and told her that was NOT the case and that I didn't want them in the house while we were gone.

(I have given Susie carte blanche to make me look like the bad guy with her family. It's absolutely no skin off my back. What's the worst that will happen? I won't have in-laws over here jacking off on my computer keyboard like retarded monkeys on New Year's Eve?!? Hallefuckinlujah!)

Susie's sister had the nerve to ask that when I said I wanted NOBODY in our house while we were gone...did that include her and her husband?

...Well gee...unless you're alien life forms...yes...that means you too.

Susie, rather than checking with me while she was on the phone, kowtowed to her big sister and said that THEY could stay at the house. But only THEM...the rest of the family was not allowed in the house.

So her sister agreed ... she will leave her children somewhere else, if she's allowed to sleep in our house while we're gone.

I got a little irritated with this. Mainly because I KNOW that this will not be the case. The kids, jonesing for a Play Station fix or a clean bathroom fix or a place to sit down and not have to stand up because there's dirty laundry and trash all over the furniture will eventually make it inside our house.

Where they will find a computer.

With no "Net Nanny" on it because Uncle Bob thought it was free on the web and dismayed to find out you have to pay forty f'n dollars to keep your 39 year-old brother-in-law from surfing for porn on your computer and jacking off on your keyboard like a retarded monkey on New Years Eve.

Even if they're NOT here the moment we get back into town, they will BE HERE soon afterwards.

And at that point...Grandma, Larry, Pepe, David, Blanca, Melissa, Adam, Daniel, Bill, Sandy, Brian, Tara, Matthew, Patrick, Ethan, and Dylan will hotfoot it over here to eat whatever food is left in our cupboards, to yell over each other, to have wrestling matches over who gets to play Play Station next, to have to listen to Grandma bellow about "the good old days" when all the kids were younger and her husband hadn't left her and her obnoxious children for another much-quieter woman who doesn't have the constant urge to reminisce about the "good times" before she was flat broke and had to come to her children to borrow $6,000 to pay off her socially retarded son's college tuition, to break whatever wall hangings we have, to try and break any stereo, television, VCR, DVD player, CD, or jack off on my computer keyboard like a retarded monkey, to stage farting contests, to clog up my toilet, to go in and out of my back door, leaving it open 90 percent of the time, and to generally drive me back into the arms of my sweet, sweet lover...Ms. Heineken with a vengeance.

THAT is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my "vacation" which was going fine until reality set in.

We had an actual "date" last night.

The afore-mentioned Grandma and my niece came over last night to watch Andrew as Susie and I went to a movie to use these movie passes that Rev. Brian gave us LAST Christmas which expired next Monday.

Yep...as you can tell...I'm not a big fan of the theater as I used to be and it takes a miracle to get me to go to the movies anymore.

We went to see "Ocean's Eleven". It was okay. Naturally, I had problems following the plot because I don't pay attention to movies anymore if I can't read the subtitles.

God bless DVDs.

Plus, as we were sitting there waiting for the movie to start, Susie made the wrong move by grabbing my hand tightly and saying sweetly "What are we going to do when my family gets here?"

I had several answers to that question. None that Susie would actually want to hear on an official "date". Most of them were one word answers like "Cry", "Seethe", "Run", "Kill" and "Maim".

I am soooo dreading the rest of this vacation. First...going to see my parents with my neurotic mother who won't even HOLD Andrew because he's "too heavy" when she won't really admit she's too weak from hacking up a lung every morning from her non-stop coughing to coming straight home to a houseload of people who don't know the meaning of the word "quiet" ... my vacation is virtually over at the halfway mark.

Eh.

Enough bitching for now. It's all I'm going to be doing for the next week and I should be happy while I still can be.

Got my "Twin Peaks" DVD Boxed set in the mail yesterday and watched the first three episodes.

I seem to remember the show being a whole lot scarier than it was. It's almost like all the scary parts were removed or something.

Maybe it gets creepier.

I'll keep you informed.

That's it for my "abbreviated" entry.

Time to go face the wife and let her hack spittle all up in my face.

Boo-yah.