OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS TO A WEEKEND OF BITCHING WE GO

I hate waking up at 4:15 a.m. when I KNOW I have to drive at least six hours in a few hours.

But ya know...I do this EVERY time I have to drive on a little road trip.

I'm not really excited about seeing my parents today. My mother is getting stranger and stranger as the years go by and something tells me there might be a battle this weekend. A royal rumble. A winner take all bloodfest.

Why?

...I'm taking my laptop.

Dad loves computers and really wants one for the house.

Mom hates computers and will not allow Dad to have a computer in the house because (quote) "he will be on it all the time" (unquote).

My parents virtually have no life. My dad works. My mom sits at home. She's afraid to leave the house. She will go to the grocery store and to this little tavern that they go to every night from 5-7 p.m. At 7, the "riff-raff" start coming in and they leave.

I've been there from 5-7. I've seen the customers there from 5-7. If these people don't qualify as riff-raff, I don't know what does.

My parents have more money than sense. I have SEEN my Dad give money to some of these alcoholic losers who come over to him, give him a sob story about losing their jobs or their wives leaving them or their kids having a lousy Christmas, and Dad hands 'em $50 or more.

Then these losers go right back to the bar and order more drinks for their buddies.

My dad is like a retarded Godfather.

They GAVE this tavern a big screen TV because Mom and Dad never used it.

I used to joke to Mom and Dad when the TV was still in their house that they could just will that to me ... nothing else...and I'd be happy.

The tavern got the TV.

And I'm still faithfully watching my 19" TV that the Mrs. won in a Christmas raffle.

That tavern is like the older brother who could do no wrong in my parents' eyes.

Anyway...I'm taking the laptop because of the digital camera. I plan on taking some pics... then downloading them onto the laptop where we can all see them.

This will infuriate Mom. She's scared to death of computers because she doesn't know how to use them. For that matter, she can't type. The rest of us know how to use a computer and this threatens her.

I know...it's stupid. But that's my Mom. She's not exactly a rocket scientist.

I just hope it doesn't cause any friction. And Heaven forbid Dad wants to hook it up to the Internet. Mom will pop an artery, bitching that she can't possibly tie up her phone line because what if my sister (her favorite) tries to call?

Well...gee Mom...she'll call back, I guess.

Plus ... Andrew's at that age where he squeals a lot. It's not out of anger or defiance...it's how he communicates.

Mom can't handle loud noises. She lives in a quiet house where the only noise comes from her television which is ALWAYS on.

I TOLD HER that Andrew is a loud one now. He's loud and his toys are loud.

Mom swore it was nothing to worry about and that she's seen the videotape of him being loud.

Okay.

But she's been warned.

I guess I just hope Mom behaves. I feel so sorry for Dad sometimes because he's a really good man and he's saddled with Mom who's becoming more and more of a psychotic hermit (this is why we're going to see them rather than the other way around ... she can't STAND to leave her house).

Let's just say ... I'm not looking forward to this. I've got a bad feeling about it and usually these bad feelings are right on the money.

The dream that woke me up this morning was a nightmare that doesn't sound like a nightmare.

I dreamt that a friend of mine that I don't work with was fired from his job. He went on the local news to complain about his firing. I was in a hotel room, washing my hair in the bed when a knock at the door came. It was Robin Williams who asked me if I was "on the team" or not, meaning if I was going to be a team player at my job. I assured him that I was, but secretly, I didn't know if I would be or not. He badmouthed my buddy who they had just fired and said he was looking up porno on the web and that's why he was fired.

Doesn't sound that bad, does it?

Well...I DESPISE Robin Williams. I've always hated him.

Maybe that sheds a little more light on the subject.

My hatred for Mr. Williams goes back to my days in the mid-80s doing stand-up comedy.

At the time, Robin was a big star in stand-up. But every big-time comedian that I worked with said the same thing about him ... he was a comedy thief and everyone in comedy hated him.

It was common knowledge that he would frequent comedy clubs, sit in the back and write down all the jokes that guys used that got laughs. Then he'd present them as his own "wacky improvisations" on television and garner all these accolades as being a comedy genius when NONE of his material was original, it was a hodgepodge of various young comedians best work.

I used to hear stories about comedians who would get fired from clubs because they REFUSED to go on stage when Robin Williams would show up in the crowd.

So...I was bred to hate the man.

Which, it turns out, wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

It allowed me to use the word "hodgepodge" in this entry. And anytime I can do that, it's a good thing.

I've gotta get rolling here.

I'm not sure when I'll update next.

Oh! And for those of you waiting to be added to the Army list...hang tight. I know I emailed a few of you telling you that I would add you this past Monday.

That was before I remembered that I wouldn't have access to the email address that you emailed me at until January 2nd.

So...it's a pretty safe bet that the New Army Recruits won't be updated until January 2nd or so.

I'm sorry if this causes any inconvenience or sorrow or dread in your lives.

Heh.

No I'm not.

It's an f'n LIST, people. It's no big deal. You get a few more hits a day and that's it.

Cripes.

Get out and get some sunshine on your face or something, dude.

Quit blaming me for your social ineptitude.

Believe me ... I've got enough social retards in my life ... I don't need one more harping on me because I forgot to add them to a list.

Sheesh.

You think your life sucks?

Lemme introduce you to my brother-in-law.

Uh-huh.

That's what I thought.