THE ONE WHERE UNCLE BOB JUST COMPLETELY LOSES IT

My God, it was cold this morning.

It had to be a fucking degree out there. I know this because when I tuned in to my local morning news program, the weather guy stared straight at the camera and said "Folks, it's a fucking degree out there."

My local morning news program is a strange one. Basically in our city we have three local morning news programs. At least two. I know NBC and CBS have one. Our ABC affiliate is run by a group of trained monkeys and they change programming at the drop of a hat.

Anyway, I watch the NBC one and have been watching it for however long it's been on.

There's three people on the show. Joey and Jennifer are the hosts. Jeff is the wacky weatherguy. It's the most dysfunctional morning news group you'll ever hope to see.

Joey's a super creepy guy. He's probably in his early 30s and has this weird Julius Caesar/George Clooney haircut that just does NOT go with his face. He's constantly making inappropriate jokes on the air that are more alarming than funny and is extremely lecherous when the local traffic gal, Andi, calls in her reports.

ANDI: "Well, traffic is moving smoothly out there this morning and ..."

JOEY: "As smoothly as my hand traveling over your buttocks, Andi?"

ANDI: "Excuse me?"

JOEY: (winking at the camera) "You know you want a piece of lil' Joey, girlfriend. Admit it."

ANDI: "You're a creep."

JOEY:"Errrr...thanks for the traffic report, Andi. Up next...Dr. James Dobson with Focus on the Family."

Back when I was somebody in this town, my path would cross with Joey's quite often. We'd see each other at media gatherings and make small talk. He's always adopt this "I'm the Star here, because I'm on television" vibe and be louder and more abrasive then anyone else at these gatherings.

And of course, the normal folks who weren't in the media clamored around Joey because he IS a TV star in these parts. While I was the guy that wrote that column for that newspaper that nobody reads and that nobody cared about. As I've stated, for the longest time I thought my last name was "Who" because everytime I'd be introduced at one of these gatherings, as soon as my name was announced, the crowd would say in unison "Who?"

Anyway, Joey's a creep.

Jennifer, his co-host, looks like she either needs to switch to decaf or start gobbling up fistfuls of Prozac at 5:55 a.m. She always looks like she's struggling to not burst into tears whenever she's on camera. Her smile is an unconvincing one and most days she has the "Deer in the Headlights" look that just screams "I have no business being on TV and my days of fooling you people into thinking I do are numbered". She may have this look because she's secretly humping one of the nighttime news anchors in our city. The guy used to be married until Jennifer sunk her shaky claws into him.

Jeff the Weatherguy seems to be the most normal of them all. He's always got a smile that makes him look like something's going on that he's not telling you. Like he's not wearing any pants or he has a block of cheese wedged in his butt crack. Something disturbing but funny at the same time.

Anyway.

I can't believe I just told you guys about my local morning news team.

WAKE UP!

Bought the DVDs of "Best in Show" and "Waiting For Guffman" at lunch today.

I saw "Guffman" once a few years ago and always wanted to see it again because even though I thought it was funny, I didn't pay that close of attention to it because I was pretty whacked out on drugs back then. So my memory of the movie is hazy at best.

"Best In Show" I've already seen three times last year. I really wanted to get it because it has 30 minutes of deleted scenes and by God, I doubt my life will ever be complete if I didn't have a chance to savor those for eternity.

Also did the mall walking thing.

Yeah buddy.

I'm currently lining up my interviews for my trip to Eugene, Oregon at the end of this month.

I'll be there from January 27th through the 31st, leaving on February 1st.

I recall some of you people emailing me months and months ago telling me you were from there. If any of you wanna hook up for dinner and discrete but kinky sex afterwards in my luxurious hotel suite, make sure you email me to remind me.

Oh.

And I'm straight. So even though the sex is kinky, it ain't THAT kinky.

And I've got a wife and kid that I love very much. So we're talking just straight sex, no commitment, and if you're lucky...a continental breakfast in the morning.

And I might bring my camcorder. So please bring your frilly lingerie.

And your various sex toys.

And while we're at it, bring your parents. I'm usually pretty good with parents of one night stands.

I'm clean with no diseases. I don't want any either. So if you're diseased, please sit at home and pick your scabs and curse the night you had sex with that illegal alien with the toothless smile and the hairy back.

And if you don't want to have sex, that's cool too. We can just meet and have coffee, even though I don't drink it. But I do enjoy pouring it on tables ever so slowly and saying nutty things like "Puddle of coffee, ever so small. I wish you liked me so that we could ball."

("Ball" is a term used in the 70s that meant "sex")

And if I'm not really interested in having sex with you, I'll let you know it upfront within the first five minutes that we've met. I usually do this by saying something sweet like "Could you please leave? You're scaring my suitcase" or "I'm pretty sure I'd do my mom before I even entertained the notion of cornholing you."

But if I DO want to have sex with you, you'll know that too. I'll be sitting there grinning and rubbing myself furiously while you speak. And every time I say anything, I'll preface it with "After we have sex..." Like if you said "Do you like Buffy the Vampire Slayer" I'd say "After we have sex, I'll be glad to answer that question."

As you can tell, I like to be upfront when meeting people for the first time. Some people find this offensive. I find it charmingly childish.

Anyway...email me if you're in the Eugene area.

And no...we WON'T be having sex. That was all just a stupid gag since I wasted your time reading about my local news anchors. I love my wife too much to cheat on her.

But ... you know...wear some clean undergarments.

Just in case.

Gawd!

I meant just in case you have a wreck! Sheesh! Get your mind out of the gutter, bud!

Alright, I've got work to do. I'll talk at ya later.

Take care.