FROM HERE ON OUT, KEEP YOUR QUESTIONS TO YOURSELF

Somebody emailed me this questionaire and asked me to email them back the results so they would know a little bit more about me in order to aid them in their eventual stalking of me. I really think these questionaires are on their last legs. I don't understand the purpose of them anymore. With that said...

NAME: Uncle Bob

LOCATION: Alabama

WHAT WAS YOUR THIRD GRADE TEACHER'S NAME?: Mrs. Windish

SERIOUSLY?: Yes.

NAME THREE THINGS THAT USED TO BE ON YOUR DESK THAT YOU THREW AWAY A LONG TIME AGO: A rubber band. An empty soda can. A Yahoo Magazine.

WHICH CELEBRITY WOULD YOU NEVER BE MISTAKEN FOR?: Mr. T.

WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE NEIGHBOR EVER: Lawrence.

WHAT'S THE HIGHEST SCORE YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN IN PING PONG?: 11

WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE BRAND OF PARAKEET FOOD?: Hertz.

SHOWER OR NOT SHOWER?:shower

AS A CHILD, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP BUT SOON REALIZED THAT ONLY BIZARRE PEOPLE WORKED IN THAT FIELD?: Electrician.

WHAT BRAND WAS YOUR FIRST STEREO?: Fisher Price.

HAVE YOU EVER SHIT YOUR PANTS AND WHY?: Yes, as a child. I couldn't hold it any longer.

PLAQUE OR CERTIFICATE?: Plaque

NAME A MONTH: August.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR OF POST IT NOTE?: Blue.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?: Who.

WHO?: Who.

WHICH WORD DO YOU HAVE THE HARDEST TIME SPELLING?: Inssufurrubbly.

FAVORITE SLANG TERM?: Gosh.

IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD...WHY?: Because it'd be fun.

WHAT'S YOUR MOST TREASURED MEMORY OF A PAINFUL MOMENT?: When I was a pallbearer in my Grandmother's funeral and I thought I heard her clawing at the lid. Turned out to be a bird flying overhead.

PET PEEVE THAT DOESN'T REALLY BOTHER YOU BUT YOU ACT LIKE IT DOES: Female nudity in movies.

FAVORITE HTML CODE: A HREF=whatever.

LAMEST GIFT YOU'VE EVER MADE FOR YOURSELF:

A twist-tie ring.

FAVORITE RECORD LABEL: MCA.

PERSPIRE OR SWEAT?: Perspire.

SHUFFLE OR DRAG?: Shuffle.

PANCREAS OR LOWER INTESTINE?: Lower Intestine.

SPOILED FRUIT OR TV GUIDE?: Spoiled fruit.

DOG OR BUSINESS CARD?: Business Card.

LAST THING YOU ORDERED ONLINE THAT WASN'T PORN RELATED: I don't understand the question.

THE BREED OF HORSES KNOWN AS CLYDESDALES ORIGINATED IN WHAT COUNTRY?: Scotland.

FAVORITE SALUTATION: Hello.

LEAST FAVORITE IMAGINARY CHILDREN'S BOOK: "Perry the Percolator Goes To Newark"

FAVORITE PUNCTUATION: Has to be the comma.

LEAST FAVORITE CANDLE SCENT: Unwiped Canadian Whore Ass

FAVORITE NON-FATAL YET DEBILITATING DISEASE:"Crone's Disease".

LEAST FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW THAT'S ACTUALLY A COMMERCIAL: The Subway Show

You see?

I think these online questionaires are really running out of steam fast.

* Andrew is now walking, but only a few steps at a time. He still gets around quicker on all fours and seems hesitant when walking. He seems to enjoy walking and I would think by the end of the month he'll no longer be crawling. Unless he accidently polishes off a bottle of Jagermeister and is crawling to the nearest toilet to puke his little baby guts up.

* I have hit a massive plateau as far as weight loss, due to what I now refer to as "Those g-damned holidays". I'm still at 21 lbs. lost after reaching a high of 22 lbs. lost. While most people would love to lose 22 lbs., for me it's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm one third of the way to my goal. But I have until September to reach my goal so I feel like I'm on track.

* I'm mall walking every day again. I don't feel like I'm getting the same workout that I did when I walked the dog each morning. Mainly because it's all flat where I'm walking as compared to going up hills when walking the dog. But at least I'm not having to stop and scrape dog shit off the bottom of my shoes because it's pitch black when I'm walking outside and am carousing through various mounds of canine feces.

* I will not be posting any pictures of myself and my "weight loss" because I look exactly like I do at the bottom of this page. Those pics were taken in '98 and '99 and I gained about 20 lbs. after those were snapped. So if I posted a pic now going "Lookit me! I've lost 20 lbs!" You'd think, "No you haven't, you still look the same." Well, as my good friend Paul Harvey would say ... Now you know the rest of the story.

* With the exception of a few french fries over the last four months, I've stuck to my diet. Although my portions are probably bigger than they should be. For instance, I had a chicken breast for lunch when I probably only should have had half a chicken breast. You know what? Eat me. I was hungry, dammit.

* I am a tad bit nervous about flying across the country for the first time since 9-11. Luckily for everyone involved, I am a master at holding my urine. So even if I do wind up screaming bloody murder inside a plane's cabin, I won't be spraying everyone with jets of errant piss.

* My pubes have grown back. Thanks for the outpouring of concern.

* My money is still on Big Tom to win "Survivor" tomorrow night.

* Yes Virginia, there really IS an Edweird.

I think that's it. That's all the questions I think I've been asked and haven't answered lately.

Aren't you glad you came?