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5:34 a.m. - 2002-01-21


Welllll...I got my Birthday TV.


We go to Circuit City, the store so nice they've screwed me twice.

And they've got this big time sale going on. Whoop dee doo. La de da.

And they've got this TV on sale that I linked above. For a VERY good price. $50 over my set limit ... but's only $50. I've sprung for crack whores that were $100 over my crack whore limit, so what's $50?

I tell our salesman who CLEARLY doesn't give two shits about our business or not that we'll take this RCA TV.

He checks the availability.

Oh darnit all to heck! I know those just went on sale ten minutes ago...but we're all sold out.

Ahhhh...the old "Bait and Switch", eh?

It seems that I went through this SAME F'N DEAL with you people when I foolishly bought my computer from you guys two years ago. I bought it, I took it home, it didn't work and you told me it was the last one in the store and it was tough shit that it didn't work. You hungrily grabbed my cash and then sold me shit.

You would THINK I'd learn from my mistakes. Then again, I had a crack whore give me syphillis and I jumped right back on the horsie, so go figure.

That is so untrue that it's not funny. I've never had a crack whore give me syphillis in my life. A pretty severe case of pubic lice ... sure. But that comes with the territory, man. Them crack whores be crawlin' with the pubic lice.

Anyway, my man Wendell PROMISED ME that my new TV will be on the truck that comes in on Wednesday. PRRRRRRRRROMISED ME.

And if it's not...all his base will be mine. Or whatever the hell it is those goofy slacker kids are saying these days that makes them laugh so hard.

...G-damned goofy slacker kids...

Wellllll...I did something nice last night that threatens to expose the heart inside Uncle Bob's soulless body.

We had a Fellowship Dinner at church last night. No big deal, lots of good food, my "Italian Sausage Bake" was a smash hit, etc.

After the dinner, we're cleaning up and I notice a young woman who I've never seen before walk into the church with a boy about four years old in her arms asleep. Neither one were wearing coats and it was getting pretty chilly last night...lower 40s.

She walked up to someone and talked to them briefly and then left.

I went outside a few minutes later to get something out of the van and she walked up and almost scared the piss out of me.

She wanted to know where the nearest gas station was. She had run out of gas and needed to get to the gas station.

She had no gas can with her and the nearest gas station was about a mile away. Because she had shocked me, I said it was on down the road a bit. She said "thanks" and began walking through the darkened fields toward the gas station.

I told her I'd give her a ride and she said "Really??" Like I had just told her I'd give her a million dollars.

I ran inside to tell Susie I was taking a total stranger to the gas station and she was wary of it. I explained it was a young woman with her child and it was cold outside and neither one had a coat on and it wouldn't take me 15 minutes. She agreed.

I went outside, got the woman and her kid in the van and we started toward the gas station.

This poor woman.

She was from Mississippi, which is bad enough to justify calling her a "poor woman" (Sorry, the only thing Alabamians have to live for is to thank God we don't live in Mississippi). She had just left her boyfriend who she said was abusive. She was on her way to Atlanta to stay with her cousin. All she had with her was some clothes for her and her child and $23. She had been driving for hours and had no idea how far she was from Atlanta (140 miles).

So we got up to the gas station (which was a little over a mile away from the church...I had no idea it was so far), she went inside and bought a gas can for four dollars and put $1.25 worth of gas in the car. She said her car was "a little past the church" where we had first seen each other.

Her car was almost a mile past the church on the interstate. This woman had been walking in the cold, dark weather for a mile with her child in her arms. I wanted to cry for her, but she seemed tougher than me.

We had to drive all the way down to the next exit, then turn around and come back to fill up her car with that little bit of gasoline.

I told her she'd need to fill up her tank to make it to Atlanta and that there was a closer gas station then where I had just taken her. She got in her car and I told her to follow me.

I led her to a much closer gas station on the other side of the interstate.

And as she pumped her gas and watched her money tick away, I pulled out my credit card and told her I'd pay for it.

She didn't seem eager or too proud to say no. She just said "thank you".

I asked her if she or her kid were hungry or thirsty. She said no, but I bought some Gatorade and cookies and chips for them anyway to help them get through the last two and a half hours down the road.

She thanked me, but it was kind of an embarrassed and ashamed "thank you". I wasn't expecting much more. I told her good luck and hoped everything worked out for her.

I really felt bad for the woman. It was obvious that nobody ever listened to her, because she babbled nonstop while she was in the van with me. I guess it's tough travelling with a little kid for hours and wanting to pour your heart out and get all your feelings out, but a four year-old just doesn't understand and doesn't want to hear his Mama upset.

It was a depressing situation. But I feel like I did the best thing I could for her.

Alright...enough mushy sentimental crap.

During church yesterday, we always have this "Children's Moment" where one of the adults gets up and talks to all the little kids about Jesus.

The REALLY good adults try to get laughs from the congregation while doing it.

In the two years I've been attending church, I've been the only person to get an ovation at the end of my children's moment, doing a magic trick.

So yesterday, this old man...probably in his late 70s...took a page out of my handbook and decided to do magic.

...Except he had the personality of wallpaper.

He got up there without a smile.

"How's everyone doing?", he asked.

None of the kids answered him. The man is scary looking. He's never smiled that I've seen. He just looks mean and sour and bitter.

"Does anyone like magic?"

A few of the kids said "yes". But it was a very quick and short "yes" because I think they were scared he was going to burn them if they said "no". Literally. Set fire to their hair or something.

So he pulls out "The Clown's Coloring Book". You flipped it one way, the pictures weren't colored. You flipped it the other way, everything had been colored.

Ooooooo...scary. I made a large cloth disappear into thin air. THAT got applause. This guy flipped through a book with serrated pages ... the oldest trick in the book. Even the kids were bored with it after the fourth time he showed it to us.

It wasn't so much his lame trick. It was the horrifying delivery behind it. His monotone showed no emotion and his face looked like he was taking a dump mixed with some broken glass.

I leaned over to Susie and whispered "He's scaring me."

She whispered back "He's scaring EVERYONE."

Sure enough, the entire congregation looked hypnotized by his drollness. Everyone was sitting there stonefaced and staring at him.

Oooo! Ooooo! Our local perverted newscaster is conducting an exclusive interview with the new Alabama Junior Miss!!

He just said he "knew" a lot of the girls in the pageant.

What the hell???

What's he doing hanging around teen girls??

Gotta go...this is too exciting to be typing through.

Peace out.

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