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6:12 a.m. - 2002-02-08


I've never really cared for the Olympics.

I just don't grasp the concept of working YOUR ENTIRE LIFE to be the best at something that others look at as being fun for an afternoon or two.

"I wanna be the best skier in the world!"

Well yeah kid...we all wish we could work and work and work at something that we loved to do.

I'd like to be the world's foremost critic of pizza, travelling around the world and eating pizza morning noon and night.

But ya know what?

That doesn't pay the bills.

Kinda like skiing.

So somebody else foots the bill for this person's life while this person spends their entire life on the slopes.

Get a job?? I can't get a job...I'm an OLYMPIC SKIER, DAMMIT! THIS ISSSSS MY JOB!

And so these people ski all day long, 365 days a year for their entire life. Even the Kennedys weren't afforded that sort of luxury. They eventually had to go back to work.

Not the Olympic skiers.

So then, the big day comes. They get to ski for the Olympic judges.

And so they ski.

And if they suck...if they have a bad day...if a squirrel darts out in front of them right before the big jump....

....too bad.

Their entire life is now over. Some of them fool themselves and go back to skiing in order to "enter the next Olympics!"

So it's another four years of skiing. Nothing but skiing. Dad busting his ass at the sawmill to send to 28 year-old Junior out in Utah so Junior can eat soup at the end of the day.

But let's say ... Junior actually has a good day on the slopes.

Junior has a fantastic day. The best day ever.

He gets a gold medallion and a handshake.

"Thanks for wasting your whole life with some skis on your feet, son. Here's a gold medal and a hearty handshake."

That's it.

Oh sure...there might be a box of Wheaties in the future. Your picture on a cereal box.

Whoo. Hoo.

And if you happen to be blessed with good looks,maybe Chapstick will toss you in a commercial or something. But let's face it ... most of the Olympic athletes have average looks.

And for a while, Katie Couric and Matt Lauer act like you're the greatest thing since buttered toast.

But after about two weeks, when the ceremonies end and the realization sets in that you just worked your entire life for 15 minutes in the public eye ... that's gotta be somewhat depressing.

What do they do then?

Most become ski instructors. Something they could have been doing all along. Sure, there's no gold medal in ski instructing. And most ski instructors don't show up on the "Today" show unless they find an abandoned baby in a cave or something. But it's an honest living.

Unlike the life of an Olympic skier. Who drains the parent's pocketbook all their life while "chasing their dream".

Uh no.

Sorry Charlie.

If you wanna chase a dream, chase the one that's got a timeclock at the end of it.

That would impress me more.

I guess what really pisses me off about the Olympics is now I have to wait 2-3 weeks to see Ross' expression on "Friends".

Speaking of missing kids (were we??)...have any of you been following the story on that missing girl in California??

The "Today" show had the parents on earlier this week and they seemed totally cool about the fact that their daughter was missing...abducted from her bed a few nights earlier.

Granted, I know they're probably both under a lot of sedation. I'm sure they've been shot up with elephant tranquilizers or whatever the hell it is that you shoot grieving parents up with.

But I think there's more to the story than they're letting on.

I read in yesterday's paper that the dad put the girl to bed, then he went to bed.

...While the mom was at a local bar.

...Having drinks with the main suspect in the abduction. A neighbor who the father didn't know very well.

Dad gets up about 1:30 and notices the security thing flashing and a sliding patio door open.

He thinks nothing of it (excuse me???) shuts the door and goes back to bed.

Mom comes home at 2:30 in the morning after staying out all night drinking with friends...including (say it with me) the main suspect in the case.

This story's fishier than a walk-in freezer at Red Lobster.

I'm no Columbo but even I can tell that the parents know more to this than they're letting on.

The "Today" show appearance proved it to me. Y'see...I can't even THINK of Andrew being abducted without breaking down into tears.

And these parents were like "Eh...bring her back to us. You know...whatever. It'd be nice to have her back, I guess. I need someone to get my smokes and diet Cokes while I watch my shows."

Shades of Jon Benet, people.

Except these parents don't look like they have the money that the Ramseys do to keep prosecutors off their backs and to pay policemen to clean up their bloody trails.

I had a GREAT lunch yesterday.

I went to McAllister's Deli and had their chili in a bread bowl.

Damnation...that was some good stuff.

If you have a McAllister's near you, give that thing a try.

Holy hell. I'm STILL burping it up almost a day later. And each burp tastes better than the last.

I'm in gassy heaven.

I received a copy of the only book that will ever have my name next to the word "Editor" yesterday.

I helped clean up the book project last fall and was lucky enough to get my name in there under "editor".

So now I have a book that says I was an editor as well as a magazine (some hunting magazine from 2000 that I helped a buddy out for about ten minutes).

These are going in my portfolio. Not that I'm looking to switch jobs anytime soon. But you never know when you'll need them.

Well...I'm sure at one point you'll know if you need them or not. That's when you're answering an ad that reads "Editor Needed".

But other than never know.

God, this week went by much quicker than last week when I was in a hotel room in Oregon.

I'm sooooo glad it's Friday.

The baby's awake. The wife's freshly showered. We're going to go buy something to put our new big-assed TV in tonight so tomorrow we're rearranging the den for the first time in years and are both pretty jazzed about that.

It's going to be a good weekend.

That is...if I can get the wife over this bout of Olympic Fever that she's suffering from.

I tried to explain to her my reasoning for why the Olympics sucked.

She didn't buy it either.

I think I'm alone in my boycott of the Olympics.

Am I?

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