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5:16 a.m. - 2002-02-21


Although I've never been tested for such disorders, I'm pretty sure I have ADD. Actually, I started getting tested for it before, but I lost interest in the test pretty quickly and wandered off into a nearby poppy field and took a long nap.

So when I find myself in certain situations that have me as fidgety as Stone Cold Steve Austin's kid waiting for Dad to come home to find out he broke a lamp, I find ways to amuse myself. These methods don't help me focus on the situation at hand by any means. They just keep me entertained until I can move onto something more interesting. Without further ado, here are some secrets of mine to help you survive in certain situations. I'm not advocating these practices. I'm just saying they worked for me.


Now that it's tornado season, there's always that chance your 15 minutes of fame may come soon after your trailer has been sent to that big Double Wide in the Sky. Here's some fun things to do with the television crew while they try to interview you about the tornado:

* Keep asking the reporter if they know that "hot bitch" from the Weather Channel.

*Tell the reporter it didn't sound like a train. It sounded like that new Creed song getting louder and LOUDER!

*Throw your voice to say "heellllp meeeee....over hereeeeee, under the rubbbbleeee" and watch the rescue crews go nuts while you wink and grin at the camera.

*While describing the tornado for the tv audience, do an impression of it by spinning around really fast until you run head first into the camera and plop down on your ass.

*Walk amidst the rubble, holding a teddy bear in your hand, staring blankly. Then finally glare into the camera and say "Next time Willard Scott ... less birthdays ... more advance notice ..."

*Tell the TV audience that the best way to prevent against a tornado is to get a cat. Then pick your nose deeply while staring blankly into the camera.


Daylong motivational seminars can be about as much fun as manually removing your toenails with a pair of rusty pliers. In short ... they can be painful. But with these new tips, a motivational seminar can be fun, educational and most of all, memorable:

*Ask the speaker to explain EVERYTHING to you a second time so that only four hours of subject matter gets covered in an eight hour day.

*Communicate with everyone through banging on a tamborine.

*Stand up suddenly and yell "I'M HEALED!!!" and run screaming from the room.

*Tell the speaker to "motivate yourself to get me a bottle of beer,bitch."

*Spend eight hours trying to floss your teeth with your eyebrow by scrunching up your face.


I worked in banks for three years, so I know first hand how boring they can be. With these steps, you can not only be the center of attention for the day, you will probably go down in that bank's history as an urban legend:

*Ask for a loan. When they ask what it's for, say "whores. Lots and lots of whores."

*Sing and do the choreography to "Greased Lightning" from "Grease" by yourself in line.

*Read a newspaper into the security camera in your best Tom Brokaw impression until you're asked to leave.

*When cashing a large check and the teller starts to count your money out for you, count along with her, except really, REALLY loud. ("ONE HUNDRED!! TWO HUNDRED!!")

*Try to sneak a peek at everyone else's paperwork. When people ask you to stop, reply "It's a free country, poor boy."


Some of us tend to screw up a little more than others in life and wind up finding themselves having to be defended in a court of law. I haven't experienced this firsthand just yet, but I'm fully prepared for that day when it comes. Here's some of the ways I would pass the time while being put on trial:

*While on the stand, pantomime your answers.

*Tell the judge, "I sure would like to hold YOUR court in contempt" with a lecherous wink.

*Keep calling the bailiff, "Rusty" and blow him kisses.

*Remain oblivious to the surroundings around you and just concentrate on your cross stitching.

*Ask to see Judge Judy because she's "a whole lot nicer".

*Whenever a TV camera points at you, try to sing "The Name Game" (Banana nanna bo bafana fee fi fo fanana ...) before the camera is cut off.


I hate weddings. They always take place on Saturdays which screw up my whole weekend. It's always hot outside and I end up sitting in a dark suit in church, sweating like John Goodman on amphetamines and not really giving a crap about the couple tying the knot, only caring that the sweat doesn't start seeping through the suit. But here's some stuff I've tried at previous weddings that at least put a smile on my face for a little while. Feel free to steal any of them.

*Sign the guestbook "Harry Phartz."

*Demand to dance with the bride before the groom does, or you're leaving.

*Pour as much champagne down the toilet as you can.

*Try to start a "throw the wedding party into the pool" posse.

*When they ask if anyone objects to the bride and groom's union, scream "She's carrying my goddamned baby!!!"

*Throw rice as hard as you can at small children's faces.

*Yell "Freebird!!" A lot.

*Insist on proposing a toast but turn it into a drunken diatribe about your pathetic life.

*Give the bride and groom the Sex Toy Sampler Vol. XVII

*French kiss the groom's mother.


Here in my hometown,we've got an alarming amount of retarded people who have been issued driver's licenses. There has to be a huge mistake in the system because there's no way in hell these people should be allowed to drive. Still, they're out there and inevitably they end up causing major traffic jams wherever they go. Here's some fun stuff I've tried in traffic jams. Once again, I pass these to you in order for you to give them a shot the next time you're stuck in a traffic jam.

*Get out of your car, stand on your hood, and sing the love theme from "Titanic" with your arms spread wide.

*Pretend to pull small objects like rubber bands and paper clips out of your nose while the people in the car next to you stare in disbelief.

*Get out of your car and blame the guy in front of you for all this, suggesting everyone stone him. Throw the first rock at him, then run back to your car, lock the doors and bang your head repeatedly on your steering wheel until it bleeds.

*Play "London Bridge" on your car horn. Over and over again.

*Find a bullhorn and tell everyone to "move along, move along, nothing to see here."

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