DON'T GET YOUR HANDS NEAR THE DANCING JAPANESE GUY

Oh. Muh Gawd.

Please don't tell me that I was the only one sick enough to have watched the "Glutton Bowl" on Fox last night.

That HAD to be the most disturbing two hours of my life. Watching big fat guys (and a few women) eat as much food as possible (I'd say "humanly possible" but no real human would eat like this).

If you go to the link I so graciously provided you with, you'll see two pictures. The first picture is of Gluttemus Maximus. He's wolfing down a 3-lb. beef tongue. The guy below him whose name escapes me but I think it was something like Big Assed Fat Guy Who Eats Children For Snacks was the winner of the hard boiled egg eating contest, wolfing down 38 eggs in five minutes.

To me, that didn't sound hard to do. Eat 38 hardboiled eggs in five minutes. That'd be a piece of cake.

...It's those next several days that would have me sicker than Marilyn Manson trapped in a daycare center.

There were several competitions with six contestants in each contest. The first was eggs. Big Assed Fat Guy won that one hands down. He's bite half an egg off, wash it down with water without chewing it and then eat the other half,wash that down and move on to the next one.

By the end of the five minutes, his shirt and face were covered in backwash and egg white. The girl hired to put the gold medal around his neck, declaring him a winner, just handed it to him after unsuccessfully trying to put it around his big assed head without getting any gross shit all over herself.

The second contest was sticks of butter. Not your average sticks of butter either. These looked like blocks of Velveeta-sized butter. The winner ate seven sticks of butter in five minutes. Two freakin' pounds of butter. Pure fat. Yeah, I'm still squirming from watching this guy shove sticks of butter in his mouth. The announcers remarked that the guy ate the butter like a squirrel and he did. He'd take about a dozen bites of it in rapid succession, smearing most of the butter into his mangy beard. He was without a doubt the most disgusting guy there. He looked like the type of person you'd avoid touching in a crowded subway BEFORE he did the competition. Afterwards, you wanted to turn off the TV before his image was burned into your memory for the rest of your life.

Naturally, I didn't turn off the TV.

There was a hamburger eating contest (11 burgers in five minutes...I coulda done that), a mayonnaise eating contest (Eight freaking pounds of mayonnaise in five minutes....no thanks. I missed the beginning of that competition and thought they were eating ice cream and I thought "Man...ice cream headache!" Uh uh. Greasy tummy ache), the afore-mentioned beef tongue contest (a guy ate one and a quarter beef tongues...about four pounds. Noooooo thank you).

And a hot dog eating contest where a new world's record was made. This little 130-lb. Japanese guy wolfed down 38 hot dogs in five minutes. They weren't your normal hot dogs either...these looked to be foot longs. And this guy was like a vacuum, just inhaling the hot dogs with no problem. He'd do a little dance with his shoulders while he ate which the announcers said he was burning calories while he ate to make room for the next one. That made pretty good sense except for the fact that it just looked really really queer when he was doing it. If I was in the contest, I woulda had to put my hot dog down and punch the guy for dancing around.

A guy ate four and a half feet of sushi too.

There was another contest, but I don't remember it right now. I just remember I woulda given the hamburger and hot dog contests a shot and screw all the rest.

So anyway, they move to the finals and there's two contests left. A Bull Testicle eating contest (the winner ate 7 of them to get into the finals) and then the final contest....the Cow Brains contest. Which was won by the Japanese dancing guy who ate 34 cow brains and didn't even flinch. He just munched, munched, munched and they were gone. He showed his abs afterwards and they were flat.

There is no justice in this world. That little dancing bastard should weigh 400 pounds. He must have the metabolism of a tsetse fly.

I sat there thinking to myself "Gluttony is a sin".

Which means God must be rolling over in his grave.

You know...if God has a grave.

Does God have a grave?

Or is he still alive?

And if he's alive, don't you think he woulda shown up at this contest and said "Weren't you people listening to a Medamned thing Moses said? You're SINNERS!!!"

But $25,000 was on the line.

That'll buy a pretty nice trailer.

So I don't think these guys really cared.

I've gotta give the Glutton Bowl props. It provided me with a nice two hour alternative to watching a bunch of geeks racing down sheets of ice on sleds. I can only watch about 30 seconds of that before I quickly realize that the guy going down the hill THIS time looks exactly like the guy who went down the hill LAST time except he's going a tenth of a second quicker.

Woooooo. Now THAT'S excitement!

I was in a hot dog eating contest when I was a teenager working at Opryland.

We'd have these little parties after the park closed inside the park. All the employees would get together and we'd have all kinds of cleancut activities and movies and sometimes beer and stuff. They were basically employee appreciation parties.

So at one party, each of the different departments entered a hot dog eating contest. Three of the department's people would sit down at a long table and eat as many hot dogs as they could in five minutes.

I ate 11 hot dogs which was more than anyone else in the competition.

And I only weighed 165 lbs at the time. So I was like the Japanese dancing guy. Except I weighed a little more. And I wasn't Japanese. And I wasn't wearing a pink tank top and dancing while I ate.

Still, it was a cumulative total of the three people from each department and I think my partners ate maybe three hot dogs apiece so we lost.

Years later, I actually won a hot dog eating contest, which I wrote about here .

So what goes around comes around I guess.

Let it be noted...my ass can stuff some hot dogs in my gullet.

Don't even TRY to be frontin' on me when it comes to hot dogs.

I be the hot dog MASTA!!

Step off!

Don't make me talk like a sista on the Ricki Lake show anymore!

My chair in my office at work is really getting on my nerves.

It squeaks LOUDLY whenever I move in it. It's embarrassing.

I've gotta remember to take some WD-40 in today. I refuse to be embarrassed by Mr. Squeaky Chair anymore.

I don't know why I mentioned it.

It seemed so important yesterday as my chair was squealing like a pig being led to slaughter.

Hey.

The Uncle Bob 2002 tour continues.

I'll be coming to Boise Idaho the week of March 25th.

Yep. Boise. Home of .... the potato, I guess.

So if any of you are from Boise, drop me a line and we'll hook up for an elegant dinner of potatoes and ... man. I seriously think that's all they've got there. Potatoes.

Let's roll.