ANOTHER STAB AT TRYING TO MAKE MY MOM CRY

Because my day was so incredibly boring yesterday (unless you count chasing a dog away from my backyard at 10:30 last night so the dogs in my neighborhood would quit barking), I have decided to reach into my vast collection of previously written humor columns to entertain you with today.

Usually, I try not to bring attention to the fact that you are getting second-hand merchandise on this site. But the subject matter in it will kind of give itself a way as ... well...as not so timely.

Yet...because I promoted a Mother's Day Essay Contest yesterday, this kinda has relevance.

Since it's a column I wrote for my mom a few years back.

To the best of my recollection ... she wasn't impressed.

Here ya go. My mother's day column from 1995.

With Mother's Day right around the corner, every journalist in the free world is contemplating writing the obligatory Mother's Day column. This column is meant to be clipped out and stuck to the side of a refrigerator until it becomes yellow and curled by every mother who reads it.

Ahhh ... if I could be so lucky ...

Regardless, this is a column for my Mom. Being Catholic, it's a confession of sorts. You see, I teneded to exaggerate a little when I was a child. Some would call it "bold faced lying" with a hint of venom in their tone.

So here ya go Mom. I hope you're sitting down.

Every time I said "I didn't do it" what I meant was "I did it, but I'm afraid you're going to put me up for adoption if I admit to doing it."

Every time I said "I've lost my shoes" what I meant was "I have misplaced my shoes and Scooby Doo is on so you're going to have to find them."

Every time I said "I don't like broccoli and squash" what I meant was "I don't like the words 'Broccoli' and 'Squash'."

Every time I said "I have to go to the bathroom" what I meant was "Pay attention to me." Until I turned 10. And then I meant "I reallyhave to go to the bathroom."

Every time I said "I want to go to Disney World" what I meant was "Dad needs a raise, because I'm starting to get a bit more high maintenance."

Every time I said "All my friends get to do it" what I meant was "None of my friend's mothers are dumb enough to let them do it, but I'm willing to lay odds you won't take the time to call my friend's mothers to check it out."

Every time I said "There's a kid at school that's picking on me" what I meant was "Let's move. Tomorrow."

Every time I said "I don't know how I'm doing in school" what I meant was "I'm failing and I'm just hoping I die of an incurable disease before report cards come out."

Every time I said "I can do it!" what I meant was "I've done this once and almost tore my head off doing it, but I'm young enough and stupid enough to try it again."

Every time I said "I don't feel good" what I meant was "I'd rather lay in bed all day and watch TV, then go to school."

Every time I said "Look Ma ... no hands!!" what I meant was "Thank God for Blue Cross!!"

Every time I said "I think I'm going to be sick" what I meant was "Back away from the fat kid NOW."

Every time I said "I like Batman" what I meant was "Buy me every single piece of merchandise with Batman on it."

Every time I said "My imaginary friend Floppy did it" what I meant was "A psychologist would suggest keeping me away from explosives for the next several years."

Every time I said "I did my homework" what I meant was "I'll do my homework on the bus in the morning."

Every time I said "I'm spending the night at my friend Bill's house tonight" what I meant was "At least three Commandments will be broken tonight, and I don't even know a guy named Bill."

Every time I said "I'm old enough to stay home by myself" what I meant was "You had better take inventory of Dad's Playboys before you leave."

Every time I said "I haven't had sex yet" what I meant was "I haven't had sex yet." (By the way, thanks for rubbing salt into the wound by asking constantly. I appreciate that)

Every time I said "The dog did it" what I meant was "I couldn't get to the toilet on time."

And every time I said "I love you" what I meant was "I love you."

There ya go Mom. The original copy was much worse so I took out the stuff about pawning that wedding ring you thought you had lost so I could take a road trip with my buddies to Tijuana and that time I got arrested in Chicago when you thought I was at a friend's house. Have a happy one and I'll see you soon.