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5:25 a.m. - 2002-03-12


There was one thing I completely forgot to mention when I was babbling about our new house yesterday.

That dog I've got that I've had for 12 years with the ass cancer who reeks of all things assy?


Now, I know there's at least a few of you who are all prepared to send me emails telling me what a horrible person I am for getting rid of my hairy best friend.

Believe me ... as much as the dog gets on my nerves at times, this is going to be a tough thing to do.

I mean ... I'm not killing her. As much as I'd like to take her out in the backyard and put a bullet in her brain the day we move out of this house, that's not going to be the case. may be the more humane option after I tell you what we're doing with her.

We have already agreed to give the dog to...







. Coke-swigging, $6,000-owing, no good for nothin' brother-in-law.

Yep ... the original thorn in my side will now be getting my canine thorn in my side.

The reasons are simple, people. We are buying a home that will cost nearly four times what we paid for the home we're currently in. The home that we're currently in ... I could take you around the house and say "That stain? Dog diarrhea. March, 1992. That one? Dog vomit. November, 2000."

Et cetera. It would take me close to 30 minutes to do that. After that, I could show you all the scratches on the doors that the dog has scratched, including the utility room door that looks like it was attacked with a chain saw.

Nope. Just my dog.

Add up the amount of furballs rolling through the house at any given period, the fur stuck to the furniture, the constant battles between her and my son, her "game" of taking anything edible out of my son's hand and eating it while he screams and gets thinner and thinner...

We need to get rid of her.

So my mother and brother in law stepped up to the plate and said they'd take her in gladly.

Well...I say "take her in".

They plan on keeping her outside.

This pains me. Maggie has always been an inside dog with a doggie door. She's been able to go in and out at will ... which is A LOT. Probably 30 times a day she's in and out of that door, dragging in whatever she can.

I can't imagine her staying outside all night. She's never done it before.

And Susie and I both agree that the whole "Outdoor Dog" rule will probably be thrown away in the first week. Maggie's a very loving dog and truth be told ... she loves my brother-in-law.

...Which leads me to believe she's got some type of doggie brain damage in there somewhere.

In a way, and I know this sounds horrible, but think about it ... I wish she would die before we moved.

After 12 years with us, I'd feel better ending her life in my arms then getting a phone call from my brother in law saying "Well. Your dog's dead" and me thinking that she died of a broken heart because we gave her away.

It's a tough decision. And like I said, regardless of how I make it sound's not easy. But we know it's what we have to do.

And at least I know she's going to someone that she loves to be around who has known her all her life which is better than giving her to a stranger.

But I don't know if I could go visit her at their house. It would be like giving your 12 year-old child up for adoption and then going to visit him at his new home every weekend.

We'll see. But like I said, it's a tough decision.

So I don't need any chastising over it.

My wife never ceases to amaze me.

Last night we were talking about our potential new home which has now replaced Andrew as "Topic Of The Day".

We're both sold on the model home in this subdivision. It took me a while to go over the pros and cons, but she's now sold.

The problem is...the new home will more than double our mortgage payment. That's kinda scary, right??


You see .... I don't know Jack about our financial situation. She's always handled the paying of bills, the balancing of the checkbook, etc. I've just always known that if I want something bad enough, I really have to whine loudly and eventually I get it.

So last night we're talking and I told Susie "Well, what we need to do is for the next several months, we need to put aside an extra X amount of dollars so that we can see how easy it would be to pay this new mortgage.

She grinned.

"That's how much we pay on our Home Equity Loan right now," she said.

"Okay," I said. "So we put that money aside and ...."

"You don't understand," she grinned larger. "If we move into this house, that Home Equity Loan goes away with our current home."

"You're right, I don't understand," I said, soothing my aching brain from its abuse of words like "Equity" and "Loan".

"The money that we're paying the Home Equity Loan, plus the mortgage we're currently paying each month would equal the new mortgage payment," she grinned so large her teeth were threatening to poke through her cheeks.

"So you're saying that we're already paying the new mortgage amount each month toward our current mortgage, plus a loan that will evaporate when we sell this home," I said, in probably what was the single most intelligent question I've uttered in several years.

"Yep," she said. "The payment you're worried about paying each month is what we've been paying for several years now."

"So we could keep living like we are now?" I asked. "And that home equity loan goes away when we sell the house. You're sure of that?"

"Yes. We'll just be living in a much nicer home in a much nicer neighborhood with much nicer neighbors," she grinned so large, her nose disappeared under her upper lip, producing a grotesque sight if I ever saw one.

"Holy shit," I said stunned. "So we can afford our dream home and still go out to dinner and buy televisions and have high speed internet access."

"That's right," she said.

"Why didn't you say something before now?" I asked.

"I didn't really think about it until you mentioned it," she said.

...She never ceases to amaze me.

So a large burden of worry has been lifted off of our shoulders as far as mortgage payments.

And I'm seriously thinking about taking over the whole bill-paying thing. Because we've got a helluva lot more money than I ever thought we did and I'd like to know how much.

That's it for me. I know this was boring and hardly worth your time today, so I'm going to leave you with a photo.

This is a photo of my wife, sitting on her new garden tub, staring at the vanity that she's always dreamed about and wondering how the hell she could ever afford it when she's been able to afford it for the last several years and just didn't really think about it.

...Naturally...this photo was taken mere seconds before I put the camera down and came charging at her, knocking her backwards into the tub and bruising the back of her head.

Because I'm good like that.

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