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5:41 a.m. - 2002-03-14


What is sure to become a regular feature of this diary, I present to you ...


(Isn't that annoying how I have two headlines so close to each other? I would think it would be annoying if I wasn't me, but I am me, and it's not really all that annoying but once again ... I am me.)

So anyway ... not much news to report.

Susie talked to her Mom last night and asked if she had went and borrowed the money against her American Express Blue Card.

Are you ready for the answer? It's going to make you snicker...

"No, not today."

Ahhhh. Okay Grandma, I guess you've got a point. We've been waiting four years for that money ... what's another year?

Actually, she told Susie that they close on THEIR new home within the next ten days so that by the end of the month, we should have our money, because she doesn't want the mortgage company checking their credit report and seeing that she just borrowed $7,100 from her credit card.

I can understand that. It would hold more credence if they hadn't already checked her credit report once, but she's afraid that they might "check it again".

Which is a common fear amongst senior citizens today ... The dreaded credit check repeat.

So fine. We'll give her until the end of the month to pay us the $7,100 that should help us secure our new home.

My wife on the other hand ... I think she's beginning to sabotage the entire deal.

I'm hoping it's just "New Home Buying Paranoia" on my part. But I told her yesterday morning to get in contact with as many mortgage companies as possible and to find the best rate available.

I also told her to call the realtor, tell her that the "ballpark figures" we gave her on our mortgages were off about six grand, and to see if that would cause any problems.

So what does she do?

Leaves voice mails saying she'll call back.

NOT "Call me at this number..." NOT "This is urgent, please call."

Just "I'll call you back."

Now then ... I have offered several times a day for the last several days to make these calls.

Susie wants to do them. She knows our financial situation and she will handle it.

But...okay...I love my wife. But she's about as reliable in these situations as her family is when it comes time to pay back thousands of dollars.

When she comes home each day and I ask her if she called such and such, I always get "No, I was too busy today."

Like I said ... this may be new house buying paranoia. But we have given the real estate agent a verbal agreement that we will be purchasing a home on a certain lot in order to make sure we got the lot we wanted ... without making sure we can get out of our current home.

And Susie's saying each day "I'll make those calls!" and coming home saying "I left a voice mail" or "I was too busy."

I would be more than happy to make the calls myself. Just give me any pertinent information that I need to tell the people and by God...I will get through to them.

Nope. She wants to do it.

She's sabotaging me. I know she is. She wants to keep paying an astronomical mortgage to live in a dump when she could pay the same amount of money to live in a nice crime-free community in a house twice the size.

Everyone's out to get me. I just know it.

I bought the "Joy Ride" DVD yesterday.

I know, I know ... I'm bitching that my in-laws owe us thousands of dollars and I'm out buying horror movies on DVD when we should be saving for a new dining room suite.

...Now you know why she handles the money and I just have an ATM card.

It didn't really dawn on me until after I bought it that I have absolutely NO TIME to watch it. Every spare minute I have that I'm at home needs to be spent cleaning up the massive amounts of clutter in this home. Then, once the agent walks through it and says "You need a new roof, new wallpaper, new carpet, new paint, new TV, new DVD player, new computer, new bag of weed, new wife..." then I have a ton more work to accomplish.

So I sit and I stare at my "Joy Ride" box and dream of the day when I'm sitting in my new home in my huge great room and the kid will be fast asleep on the floor with a toy truck in his hand and the wife will be tinkering around in the kitchen by herself and I'll pop that DVD in and enjoy a hot-wired, white-knuckle thriller of a film.

...With four alternate endings.

You know...according to all the hype on the box.


I interviewed the owner of this company in Philadelphia ... Zitner's. They make chocolate easter eggs, that's what they're known for. Plus they make chocolate covered pretzels and gourmet chocolates and chocolate covered tin cans and telephone receivers. Basically, anything that they can get chocolate to stick to....they make it.

Anyway, I'm conducting the interview and I ask the lady to describe the candy to me over the phone. So she's going on and on about the peanut butter creme filled eggs and the pretzels dipped in white chocolate and nuts and the boxes of milk chocolates with raspberry filling and ....


I began rubbing myself.

I know I shouldn't have. But you're talking to a former chocoslut who has eaten a slice of chocolate chip cheesecake in the last six months and that's it.

I couldn't help myself.

So I've got my eyes closed, listening to her describe all of her candy in luscious detail when I finally interupted her.

"Could you maybe say this in a quieter voice? And talk more about the peanut butter ones?"

So she did. She was my little chocolate phone sex gal.

Anyway, I interupted her again and told her that there was no way I could write a story about her company without first sampling the goodies. And since it was a regional chocolate company in Pennsylvania, she would HAVE to send me some treats.

She said she would. Took my address and said she would.

So...even if I don't get my dream home .... I should be getting a case of chocolate in a few days.

Is there such a thing as a sugar coma?

If not, it looks like I'll be inventing one soon.

Went to church last night for Lenten services. I'm not sure exactly what was going on, but I prayed hard for God to help us get this house.

I kinda laughed at our real estate agent when she said to pray for our house. I thought she was a fruit loop when she said that.

But I took advantage of the fact that I was in church, we had a silent prayer moment and I was busting God's hump telling Him I needed this house in order to provide the best possible life for my son.

Granted, I'm talking to a guy who let his son be crucified. So asking for a new home for MY son may have been stretching it a bit.

But here's the deal.

God spoke to me.

I know, I know. I've always thought people that said "God speaks to me" were nutjobs myself.

But He spoke to me. And in all honesty, He wouldn't shut up.

I told Him that if He saw to it to help me get this home, I would serve him in a new way.

He asked what way?

I said "How about singing in the choir?"

(Keep in mind, this was all in my head. I wasn't sitting there in church with everyone being silent, saying all this out loud. Gimme a break. I'm not Andrea Yates here)

He actually said it was a good idea but then said that I didn't need to do that.

He then said, clear as a bell... "Everyone will do the right thing."

Which means that no matter what house we end up in, that's the house we were meant to have. I HOPE it means my in-laws will cough up the duckies. I HOPE it means the mortgage company will not give us a hassle about the money even though the agent said that making the money that we make, it shouldn't be a problem to get the house.

I dunno.

But I do know that God spoke to me.


And it felt good.

And I'm not a nutjob.

Well ... I'm not going to kill anybody anytime soon and say that God told me to do it.

You know...

...Unless my brother-in-law takes one more Coke out of my refrigerator.

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