THE PENIS MONOLOGUES

Once again...thanks for the assload of information you guys gave me concerning my latest problems with the in-laws. I'm not sure if you guys did research or if you're all just a buncha brilliant bastards (and bitches), but you pulled through for me and I appreciate it muchly.

I feel confident that Granny's gonna be sobbing in a courtroom by the end of the year. And I have you people to thank for it.

Rawk on.

UPDATE TIME:

I went to pick the dog up from the Vet yesterday.

The doctor said "It pains me to report that Maggie is doing just fine."

I growled. It was a half-hearted growl since my feelings for the dog have changed quite a bit over the last few days. I no longer WANT her to be put to sleep. She IS a vital part of this family.

He went on to say that he could find nothing wrong with her, she's lost a few pounds, which is good because she was one fat lil' doggie there for a while. And he said she acts more like a seven year-old dog than a 12 year-old.

Which probably means she'll live another 10 years and I'll be dragging her ass around the house in a doggie wheelbarrow and she'll be wearing a doggie shawl around her shoulders as she feebly barks at the dogs outside our windows. Willard Scott will probably do a feature on her as the world's oldest dog. I dunno. These are my visions of delusion.

So the dog's okay.

Susie called a lawyer yesterday to find out the best way to handle our delicate situation of wanting to sue the ever loving shit out of her mother.

It's such a Jerry Springer/white trash thing to do ... suing one's mother.

But I have to think..."Well gee...didn't Macaulay Culkin do it? He's not exactly white trash, is he?"

Then I think "Yes he is. He sued his mother, you dumbass."

Basically, suing one's mother=white trash. There's no way around it.

So I'm hoping we can resolve this outside a court of law. I'm hoping the mere threat of her having to pay court costs, lawyer costs, possible damages, and interest on the loan will open her eyes and she will see that borrowing the money against her American Express and paying a 20 percent interest fee may be in her best interests.

Interesting.

Sorry...I felt I need one more use of the word "interest" in there.

Susie is going to call her today and tell her that "I" am talking to lawyers about this and that we're dead serious about her paying us back now. It's been four years and we want more than a thousand dollars. We want it ALL. If she had been paying us back the amount that she originally agreed upon ($250 a month), she would have paid the debt off two years ago.

Sooo...there you go. The heat is on.

...And Granny's gonna burn.

The most interesting thing about this is that if lawyers do get involved, I think we will finally find out what this money was loaned for.

It's always been said it was to pay off the brother-in-law's student loans. But the brother-in-law isn't the least bit concerned about paying the loan, Grandma is.

Which makes me suspect it was for something other than student loans.

We've already covered this topic. I know.

Still...I'm dying to know the truth. Just once, I want to hear something resembling "truth" coming out of this woman's mouth.

Sooooooo...FINALLY...Jakiupdates Classics.

...Only to tell us that she needs our help in determining some truly classic Diaryland entries ...

Damn you Jaki!!! Can't I just READ the website without actually having to CONTRIBUTE to the website?!??

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Okay...we all know that every single entry I've ever scrawled out on these pages is a classic, right? I mean...I'm incapable of churning out anything less than a classic entry every time I sit down at this computer with a Diet Dr. Pepper and an unruly mop of bedhead on top of my head.

Sooooo...she's not exactly looking for classic entries from moi.

Plus...I've already been included in there.

My first fake diary "Brad Pitt" has already been featured. And yes...every single entry there was also a classic entry, just begging for inclusion into the Diaryland Hall of Fame Classic Entries. So there's no use in nominating anything from there.

Yeah, yeah...there's nothing from Dick Blow or Buscemi . But c'mon...is there anything worth reading from there? I like to refer to those diaries as "my dark period" when I was still reeling from the fact that as much as I wanted to keep writing in the Brad vein, there was always that possibility that I could be sued for what I was writing.

Of course....there's always room for my favorite entry from Dirty Drunk Party Slut Girl. It was the most cerebral entry I think I had ever written anywhere. So there, Jaquester. Put that one in your pipe and toke on it gently 'til it gets you higher than Uncle Bob circa 1982.

But if there's anyone else out there who's ever written a "classic diary entry" (*snort* ...yeah, right), please submit the link to Jaki so I'll have something to look forward to in my pathetic little life.

That's a damned fine public service announcement if you ask me.

My boy Mattie Gee's band The Spicolis recently found out that they're going to be opening for Dennis Quaid's band The Sharks next month at our annual big assed music fest in the streets here in town.

Dennis Quaid, the actor.

I'm sure his band probably sucks whale turds, but the fact that a bonafide Hollywood sex symbol with a movie currently in the top five will draw a decent audience which bids well for the Spicolis.

Plus...following Dennis Quaid will be Styx. Yes...Styx. "Mr. Roboto" himself. And Tommy Shaw from Styx is originally from here and he hasn't been back to play in our city since he made it big in Styx fifty years ago, so it's a homecoming for him.

So Mattie Gee is in a prime position for he and his bandmates to play to one of their biggest audiences ever.

And ... you know...he couldn't have done it without me.

He'd be the first person to tell you that.

Not that I have had one iota of input into his band's success.

But he's generous like that.

I had some story I was going to share with you guys that I remembered yesterday, but I've forgotten it now.

I knew I should have written it down or something.

Dammit.

Yesterday, while sitting at a red light in rush hour traffic, I thought I'd give it a shot.

I put my seat all the way in the recline position and laid back.

I could see the dashboard. That was it.

Then the honking started and I put my seat back up and drove off.

I just don't get it.

These kids today and their wacky sittin' way back.

No Ed tonight!!!

Whoooohoooooo!!!

As much as I like the show and like recapping it for Television Without Pity, I've gotta say...I really like getting a break from it every now and then. It's a whole lotta typing to do and since I normally do it all on Saturday mornings, it means I've gotta get up earlier than I would during the week to get it done.

So I get to sleep in this week!

And don't have to bust my ass writing when I DO get up!!

Wheeeeeeeee!!!

I guess I should mention a penis or two in here, since I came up with that witty headline right before I started writing this morning.

My penis is still chafed from the wicked amounts of sex I subjected it to this past weekend.

There ya go.

It's 6:30...which means even if I did have more to talk about, I don't have the time.

So peace out. Treat each other with kindness and respect today.

And please...don't sue your mother.

Leave that wack assed shit to me.