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5:41 a.m. - 2002-04-23


Okay ...I've mislead you guys.

I led you to believe that I had a big, special entry planned for my 1,000th entry.

And I really did.

I just ... I never got it kicked out like I wanted it to.

But since you guys are having trouble unwadding your panties, waiting impatiently for the entry, I've decided to post it here this morning.

My decision to run it in unfinished form is also due to the fact that I got three hours of sleep last night due to a certain anonymous little baby in this house who woke up at 2 a.m. thinking it was time to get up and HOWLING because we wouldn't help him out of his crib so he could go unroll toilet paper, stick in the toilet, pull it back out and eat it for several hours.

First...some brief news bulletins before I unveil the big special entry that's going to leave every single one of you severely disappointed.

We were supposed to show the house yesterday to a potential buyer for the second time. That had the wife so excited she couldn't sleep on Sunday night.

According to the vacuum tracks in the carpet, there was nobody here during the day.

I vacuum every morning before I leave, so that if anyone walks in the house, I see their footprints.

No footprints.

We're bummed.

Second bulletin...and I can't decide if this pisses me off or cracks me up ... but Grandma told Susie that in TEN business days, she will have $5,000 to give to us, then taking her bill down to $1,100 owed.

Susie's excited about this revelation.

I pointed out that this is roughly the 1,269th time she's told us that she will have our money for us in X amount of days. At the end of those ten business days, she will say that it will be "a few more days". This charade will go on for a few weeks until we give up and quit asking her about it. Only then will she breathe a sigh of relief, content in the fact that she once again pulled the wool over our eyes.

So there ya go.

Now...onto the big important entry that got much more hype than it deserved.

After 1,000 entries, it might be time to share some of the secrets I've learned over the years. Since I'm quite a bit older than a large percentage of you guys, it is only fit that I have more life experience than many of you.

And since I don't want to see you people make the same mistakes I did in life, here is just a PARTIAL list of things I've learned.

Enjoy. Or groan aloud. Whichever seems more appropriate.


Before you get married, meet every possible member of her family first. That goes without saying.

Never try to pet a dog that’s just been hit by a car. At that point, the dog’s not very trusting of humans.

As tempting as it may be, do not pick your nose while driving. If it starts bleeding, you have your choice of ruining an outfit or wrecking your car.

Never pay a dollar for a bottle of water.

Can you imagine the pandemonium in this world before Post-It notes were invented?

Always be nice to your waiter because there’s a small space in every restaurant where he is completely alone with your food and nobody’s really watching him.

Ultra fine felt tip pens are the only pens worth owning.

While masturbating at work in the boiler room may not seem like such a big deal at the time, you sure as hell don’t want to get caught doing it. Co-workers can be very cruel with nicknames for situations like this.

Some things are so not funny that they’re actually hilarious. Furiously tickling your grandmother while she’s in a coma is a gutbuster in and of itself.

I think we could totally get rid of Delaware and nobody would be the wiser.

I would much rather receive email than send it.

I bet if you ever got a good running start with your fists on either side of your neck and you ran elbow first into a bank vault … man…that would smart.

If you’re ever forced to pick someone to arm wrestle, try to pick a gay guy.

Whoever invented the phrase “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” sure knew what he was talking about.

Curse words sure do come in handy when you’re trying to convey the emotion “angry”.

Telemarketers don’t mind if you hang up on them.

I think I’d have trouble making love to a bald-headed woman.

It never ceases to amaze me that we can invent air fresheners that smell like pine trees but can’t find a cure for AIDS.

I could never wear contacts because I have a real problem putting foreign shit in my eyes on purpose.

I’d probably go out dancing more often if the Macarena was still popular.

I think when my son gets old enough to understand the English language, I’m going to try and convince him that Gatorade is alligator urine. What have I got to lose?

If you ever find yourself alone in a desert with no water, shelter or food, my suggestion for survival would be to get out of there quickly!

I’m not positive, but I think Siegfried and Roy may have flirted with homosexuality in the past once or twice.

If you know in your heart that deep down you’re a good person, it’s much easier to sleep at night. Therefore, babies must have some wickedly low self esteem issues.

During sex, it is best to refer to a man's genitalia as his "Swinging Jackhammer o' Love". There are many names for a woman's genitalia, but a few to stay away from are her "Stale Box of Complicated Flesh", "Rotting Muskrat" and "The Mudhole".

Don't ever promise people a big important diary entry when all you have to offer are some throwaway one-liners.

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