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6:37 a.m. - 2002-05-12


Happy Mama's Day!!!

I love mothers. Perhaps a little too much. For the last ten years or so, if I go out in public and see a woman with a child, I lust in my heart. I want to walk up to that woman, thank her for giving birth to a beautiful child (unless the child's covered in snot. Then I would leave the "beautiful" part out), then give her a longing, throbbing kiss.

I've never done this.

But in my heart, I've committed adultery a thousand times.

Hell...a thousand times yesterday.

Love them Mommies.

Andrew did pretty good this year, getting his Mommy presents.

He got her a copy of the book "My Mom Is Excellent", since last Father's Day he got me a copy of "My Dad Is Awesome" and that's become one of his favorite books.

Plus, he got her a $120 gift certificate from a local day spa. So Mommy can go get one of those fancy facials and an hour-long massage that she likes so much.

I didn't want to say anything about the gifts because I was trying to act like I had been too busy to get her anything and that "maybe" today we could go to Sears and get her a new purse or something.

But then, last night, she really wanted to go out by herself and get her a purse, just so she'd wake up this morning and have something to commemorate her being a mother.

So I finally told her I got her a little something. I wrapped the book in newspaper this morning since all of our wrapping paper is boxed up and in storage, and tucked the gift certificate in between the pages of the book so that it falls out when she reads it.

And I had Andrew "autograph" the book and sign the card. He loves to draw on things. It used to just be lines, but now he's learned to draw in circles, so he signed the book in circles and lines. I think it's something she'll appreciate in 20 years when the kid's strung out on crack and stealing our electronics to pay for his habit.

Anyway...they're both still in bed.

I don't know how.


Apparently, we are out of Freon. I made this assumption last night after the Air Conditioner had been set on 72 degrees all day and it was a balmy 78 degrees in the house at 9:00 last night.

So we slept with the windows open last night, except for Andrew's room because I have a fear of leaving his window open all night and somebody sneaking in during the middle of the night and stealing my baby.

It's an irrational fear, I know.

But that's what happened to me as a child. For several years, I was raised by wild poodles in the woods until the age of 15, when I wandered out of the woods, yipping and searching for a place to bury a squirrel when I came upon my real family's home.

The day I had to bark goodbye to my adopted family and move back in with my wretched sleep-with-the-windows-open family was one of the worst days of my young half man/half poodle life.

The worst part was they didn't like me pissing on the furniture.

Damned real family...

So yesterday morning, I worked on My "Ed" recap. This was the episode where the character said "What in the Uncle Bob was that?" which in turn made me squeal like a porcupine with a plunger up its ass.

I didn't know what to say about the shout-out. I didn't want to come off like a pompous ass, but how the hell else was I supposed to handle it?

So I overcompensated and came off as a self-righteous, pompous egomaniac.

That thing took me six hours to write. Not that last sentence, you moron....the recap.

One more recap to go. The Season Finale is this Wednesday night.

I feel like a kid again, getting ready for school to be out and enjoying the summer without having to write any more six hour recaps.


Don't get me wrong...I dig the gig. It's just...time for an extended break, that's all. Rejuvenate myself.

Of course...I'm talking like the show's been renewed for the fall season. I won't know that for sure until tomorrow when NBC announces the fall schedule.

I feel pretty sure it will be renewed though.

If not, I'm sure NBC will debut yet another stinkin' "Law and Order" spin-off featuring Lou Diamond Phillips and Molly Ringwald or some shit.

NBC...the home of Law and Order and Dateline. And that's freakin' it.

We drove out to our lot Friday night so Susie could see what's been done to it.

Ummmm...there's some boards up. They've dug some trenches for the plumbing pipes. And that's about it.

We were walking around the mounds of dirt when our neighbors came outside for their evening walk around the neighborhood.

I'm going to call them Dave and Pam. Even though that's not their real names. I thought I'd try to protect their identities, since they're soon-to-be superstars in my diary, replacing the Nosy Assed Neighbor.

They seem to be a very nice couple who aren't into satan worshipping which is always a plus when scoping out new neighbors.

They have a pretty rambunctious son named Wyatt, whose name I won't be protecting because I have a feeling I'll be typing that kid's name quite a bit in the next few years.

He's six and a half, a full five years older than Andrew. Susie kept talking about how they'll be friends and I kept trying to say "No they won't" because I know that when I was 10, I didn't want to hang out with a five year-old. When I was 16 and cruising around town with my buds, we didn't drag 11 year-olds around with us.

So hopefully, this kid won't be hanging out with Andrew. Because...he was just too loud and rambunctious. He threw his football at us several times while we tried to hold a decent conversation with his parents in order to make them think that I was a normal person, so as to not frighten them when we move in and they hear Andrew W.K. blaring out of my stereo speakers and see me standing naked in our front windows, making the devil horn sign with my hands as I dance to the music.

Anyway, at one point, his Nerf football came sailing inches away from my nose. I almost beat the little brat myself.

He has a younger sister, Kaylyn who is a few months older than Andrew.

Susie thinks they'll get married someday.

I hope not.

Kaylyn looks like she could be a bitch to live with. She looks like a nagger.

I said "nagger". A person who nags. Please don't label me a racist again...that shit's getting old.

I think I may just be a bit overprotective of the boy.

We'll see.

Alright...Mama's up so I'm going to go give her her little Mother's Day gift and then fend off her advances to give me a little "oral thank you" before the boy wakes up.

I ain't into that mess.

Peace out.

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