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5:29 a.m. - 2002-05-15


So I get home from work yesterday afternoon and immediately waddle to the kitchen table where realtors leave their cards if my house has been shown that day.

None. No big shock there. Disappointment? Yeah, sure. But no big shock.

But there's a message on the answering machine. I push the play button and suddenly my ears are assaulted.

"Hi guys!"

I cringe.

"This is Kelly!"

...Our scumbag realtor.

"I'm just calling to tell you guys to NOT GIVE UP!"

Thanks Kelly. I was just tieing the noose when you called and your chirpy encouragement made me stop.

"I'm getting lots of positive feedback on the house..."

...That's funny. Then why haven't you called us to tell us that before now? Why did you wait for my wife to call you and leave you a message wondering why we hadn't heard from you yet?

"The only negative thing I've heard is that people are scared of your dog. Ha!"

...Oh. Shit.

"Apparently, she doesn't like people in her house while she's locked outside and barks the whole time they're there. Ha!(a nervous "Ha!")"

...Oh. Shit.

"And Jamie? The guy that I sent over to your house to replace some of the wood around your house that was beginning to rot? The guy that showed up two weeks ago, replaced one piece of wood and hasn't been back since?"


"....He's scared of the dog too. She wouldn't quit barking at him when he was there."

...Oh. Shit.

"...But hang in there and get ready to move! Your house WILL be sold!!"

Thank you again Kelly. Or should I call you "Miss Cleo, The Real Estate Psychic"?

My wife and I are torn about all this.

It's obvious that our dog is severely hurting our chances at selling this home. She's very protective of the house and I can only imagine how ballistic she must be going when people are coming in the house. When I get home from work, she's scratching on the window outside to be let in. So I know she must be scratching AND barking at the people looking at the house so that they're unnerved by her and just want to leave the house as quickly as possible.

So what do we do with the dog during the day?

I've got two solutions and don't care for either one. We can put her on a chain at the back of the back yard under a large pine tree back there.

Or we could ask Nosy Assed Neighbor if she could keep her in her yard every day with her two young, rambunctious dogs.

Neither solution is all that great. If you saw what she did to her doggie door yesterday out of sheer boredom, it would just be a matter of time before she pulled herself free from a chain.

And those two dogs next door really rub Maggie the wrong way already while they're on the OTHER side of the fence. We can't imagine what she'd do in the same yard as them.

Susie came up with the brilliant idea of taking her to a Doggie Day Care Center.

You know...if there actually WAS such a place.

So then Susie starts thinking that somebody needs to come up with a doggie day care center place. Charge people five bucks a day to drop off their dogs where they can play in a large area and just have a blast each day.

Uh huh.

And what happens the day that an owner brings his pitbull and rottweiler over to play and they rip the throats out of all the other dogs as soon as they get there?


Dead Dog City, my friend.

I'm going to check with the vet today to see if we could just board her each day there and how much that would amount to. I think it's a helluva lot more than five bucks a day.

Anyway...if you have any suggestions, feel free to leave me a message.

And save your breath on "Put the dog to sleep and dance on her grave."

That was my idea after seeing the doggie door and getting that phone message yesterday.

My boy Mattie Gee had the coolest thing happen to him recently.

He's a computer whiz and is pretty well respected by everyone at his day job.

The boy knows his shizznit.

His immediate supervisor though didn't care for Mattie. Personally, I think she always saw him as a threat since he basically knew more than she did.

She would use any opportunity to shoot him down to management and talk smack about the boy whenever she could.

Finally, management had about all they could take of these horror stories about my boy's ineptitude on the job.

So what'd they do?

The unconventional thing.

They demoted Mattie Gee's supervisor and put Mattie Gee in her spot.

So now, his former supervisor who talked shit about him is now having to answer to him, while Mattie gets her nice big office and her responsibilities.

I've "known" his supervisor for about 12 years now. I've never really had a conversation with her, but I've been friends with people she's been friends with.

I never cared for her. I always pegged her for a white trash redneck with no couth.

By the same token, I've always thought management at Mattie Gee's job were super cool. They're what we call in Alabama "good ol' boys" who are honest and fair and a lot of fun to be around.

Looks like justice was served.

Anyway...I'm happy for the guy. It just goes to show you, sometimes if you hang in there long enough, your fate will surprise you.

Which...I guess if I were to heed my own words...that would mean my house is going to sell eventually against all odds.


I just taught myself a valuable lesson without even trying.

Go me.

Tonight's the season finale of "Ed".

If I were you, I'd tune in. After last week's blatant shout-out to yours truly, I wouldn't be surprised if they have a character named Uncle Bob on there this week. do understand that you are currently reading the diary of a pop culture phenomenon ... right??

I mean...I was mentioned on a television show, for Pete's sake.

I'm too sexy for this diary.

Well...actually...cardboard would be too sexy for this diary.

And I'm not really a pop culture phenomenon. Yes, I got a shout-out on a show that about four of you watched last week and the rest of you just have to take my word for it.

And I've been known to bend the truth here at times.

So you probably don't believe me that it happened.

So you won't watch the season finale tonight.

So I lose either way.

So I'm a loser.


(In my best Cowardly Lion impression) Put 'em up...PUT 'EM UP!!

(Uncle Bob dances around you with his fists poised and ready to throw a sissy punch in your direction)


I'm too pissy to keep writing crap this morning.

I've got to go think of ways to poison my dog without coming off looking like an asshole.

See ya later.

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