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5:29 a.m. - 2002-06-28


So today's the big day.

The day when we sign away our home for the last 13 years.

This has all moved so fast, that we haven't had a lot of time to reflect on it. The new owner first stepped foot in this house on June 9th. Today's the 28th. She didn't sign any contracts until 11 days ago.

I dunno. I just thought it would be a long drawn-out process and it hasn't been. It's been "Here's the contract, pack your shit, see ya on Friday".

It's no secret that the only nightmares that I have anymore revolve around us having to move. It's usually having to move far away and starting fresh somewhere else. In my nightmares, this is something that I DON'T want to do.

I guess I like my life.

And truth be told, I like my house in a way. There ARE a lot of memories in this house and none of those are bad.

This house has been good to me. And my wife, my son and my dog.

Will I miss it?



For about three months.

Then, when we move into our new house with our new neighbors and it's twice the size of this one with a huge assed shower and a jacuzzi tub and closets as big as my son's bedroom .... ask me again.

And I'll laugh heartily in your face.

Something like "Baaaahahahahahahahahaha!!"

Because that constitutes a hearty laugh in my book.

So we've got a full day ahead of us today.

Susie's going to work from 8-9:30 a.m. because as long as she shows up, it counts as a full day at her job and she doesn't have to burn a vacation day.

We close at 10 a.m. As long as the new owner shows up, signs the papers and doesn't flake out on us like she's done once before to another family who've probably hired a hit man on her ass.

Then we come home and bust our asses. We have boxed up nearly every item we have in the house. We're taking those to either storage or the apartment.

I've got to go turn in the cable modem and digital cable box. That's probably going to be the toughest part of all of this ... turning in my internet service for the summer.


It's going to be like "Little House on the Prairie" or some shit this summer.

"Pa...tell me about...da innernet."

"Wail Andrew...da innernet is somethin' we had way back yonder at the old homestead. We used ta look at tha site and you'd hoot n' holler n' clap ya hands. Then, affah you and ya ma went ta bed, ya Pa would stay up and stare at pitchers of nekkid celeberty wimmen all naht."

Now ... some of you may be sitting there thinking...."How barbaric for Uncle Bob to deprive himself and his family of internet service for three months."

But here's the deal ... we have two cable modem internet services in town. The one I have now is the one I like.

The one that services the apartment complex we're moving into is pure evil personified. I hate 'em with every thread of my existence. I wish them corporate death.

And I REFUSE to give them a penny of my internet dollar.

Of course, they also provide cable television service to the apartment complex as well. They suck at this too, but I can't go without cable TV all summer. Christ. I'm HUMAN. I can suffer through their gawdawful cable TV crap for three months. But that's ALL they're getting out of me.

I've packed up some books, thinking that this will be the summer of the Book. Since we won't have internet service, I'll be reading like a mad fool.

I doubt this happens since I hate reading books. I don't like investing so much time and effort that a book requires.

Yes, I write books for a living. Yes, I hate reading books.

Any other questions???

(Uncle Bob scans the diary crowd) in the bad haircut and t-shirt that reads "I'm With Stupid"??

"Uncle Bob...since you don't have internet service for three months, does this mean you won't be updating your diary?"

Ahhh...good question, pinhead.

The diary will be updated on a semi-regular basis. As I explained earlier this week, I'll still get up each workday morning and write the entry on a floppy disc. I will then go to work at 8:30 CST, and upload it there. So you'll still get your Uncle Bob fix five days a week. It will just be updated a little later than you've come to expect it. For those of you who don't read it first thing in the morning, you probably won't notice a difference at all.

I may update on the weekends, but only if it's to write about something so damned exciting that it can't wait until Monday morning. I'm only five minutes from the office and could drop by there to upload stuff if I needed to.

But c'mon. Gimme a break. It's only a DIARY. Sheesh.

Have you taken my brand new spanking Diaryland survey yet???

WHY NOT?!?!?!


I think I might just fold my arms across my chest and pout for a few moments here.



You're all a bunch of non-survey-filling-out bitches.

...And I mean that in the nicest way, of course.

Soooo...if you want to get back on my good side...go fill out my survey.

It doesn't have any really embarrassing questions like "Do you like to be rammed up the ass with hand puppets during sex?" like other surveys that I've seen.

Although...I thought about asking that question. But I wussed out at the last second.

It's just a buncha questions that were asked on other surveys and a few original questions tossed in there.

When you come into the game as late as I have on this one, you're bound to use some of the better questions from other surveys.

Anyway, it's a good way to waste some time. I enjoy the whole Diaryland Survey thing Andrew's done for us and have filled out a few of them myself. I like just clicking on a title and answering the questions without reading through them all first. That way, as I scroll, each question is fresh and I can give a fresh answer.


That's how I do it alright.

You case anybody out there gave two shits as to how I fill out a survey.

Geez Louise.

Man, was I ever tired yesterday.

Waking up at 3:30 in the morning and then trying to have a productive day doesn't work.

I tried to write some stuff at the office but it was garbage. I'm having to write about this huge hotel that I'm sure some of you are familiar with. I'm not going to mention the name because I don't wanna get Googled over it.

But I was trying to write stuff like "Each suite is equipped with the amenities that guests have come to appreciate and savor throughout the years."

And it was coming out "Hey. They got ironing boards in the rooms. No shit."

I managed to get through about three-quarters of the profile of the place, which was better than I thought I'd do.

I got off work just as a blinding thunderstorm was rolling through the area. I went and picked Andrew up who was being eerily quiet in the car, just watching the rain hit the windshield. He was fascinated with the storm, which I'd rather he was a man about it instead of being a big ol' Puss Machine when it came to storms.

We came home, watched our tape of the day's Blues Clues episodes and then he drew all over me with his markers.

He's fascinated with his markers. He drew all over his shirt with them, so I took his shirt off and he colored his belly with his markers.

They're washable, so it's no big deal.

However, don't let your kids use the markers on the carpet.

That shit doesn't come out.

Trust me.

Ah well....the contract is signed and we're closing in four hours.

There's not much the new owner can do about it now.

Wish me luck today...send me good vibes at 10 CST.

The next time you'll hear from me will be on Monday after a grueling weekend of moving.

Saying goodbye to Nosy Assed Neighbors.

And hello to New Neighbors.

In the meantime...take the damned survey already!!!!

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