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8:32 a.m. - 2002-07-09


This was supposed to be the stressless summer.

The house is sold. We're in a nice apartment. Our new house is coming along nicely. We have our very own pool goddess.

Then...our daycare lady decides that we have too much to be thankful for and wants to throw a monkey wrench into the summer.

She is taking the last two weeks of this month off for vacation. Susie sees absolutely nothing wrong with this. The woman watches Andrew each day, for almost ten hours a day for twenty dollars a day.

She DESERVES a two week vacation. She's paid two bucks an hour to put up with my kid's shit. Literally.

Fine. I can agree with that. The woman needs two weeks off a year to get away from all things toddler.

But now comes the task of finding enough people to watch Andrew for a two week period.

And believe's not like people are crawling out of the woodwork, saying "Oh PLEEEEASE let MEEEEEE watch your boy all day!"

Nope. It's the exact opposite. People are finding excuses to NOT watch him.

"I'm allergic to children."

"I'm going to prison for those two weeks."

"I have a medical condition where I like to tie small children up and throw darts at them all day."

So Susie called her sister in Texas, the matriarch of the dreaded Knee Humpin' Nephews.

The Texas brood will be humping their way into town on July 20th. But ... oh darn it....they can only stay until July 29th.

They can only come for nine days.

Oh darn.

Darn, darn, darn.

I TOLD Susie...told, told, TOLD Susie .... they can NOT stay here.

We are in an apartment. It's a pretty small apartment. We have our room, Andrew has his room, this third bedroom that I'm currently typing to you from has my desk and computer and about 1,000 boxes in it, and our "living room"which is pretty damned tiny.


(Mainly for my own sanity)

"Not even my sister?" Susie asked.

"No," I answered. "Your sister has a voice like a horny moose and she's louder than your average garbage truck. We are in an apartment now. Our neighbors don't want to hear her boring assed stories."

"What if I tell her to hold it down?" she said.

"She will STILL bring at least one of the boys with her," I said. The youngest boy, Ethan ... he's a Mama's boy through and through. He's almost 12 and still enjoys sleeping next to his mother when they're not at home. In six years, he's going to be quite content with a revolving door of strange testicles slapping against his chin every single night if you get my drift. He's almost 12 and would spend most of his time in our apartment critiquing the interior design of our apartment.

I mean ... by law I'm supposed to cut the kid some slack because he's my nephew. And if he turns out to be gay, I'm okay with that.

But there's such a thing as being TOO gay. This kid would have Frank from "Trading Spaces" rolling his eyes and calling him a human sperm bank.

Susie reminded me that with her sister staying with us while the boys all stay with Grandma, Andrew would have free daycare for a week.

I just don't see it happening. They can either stay at Grandma's, who doesn't believe in turning on the air conditioning in July until the temps get over 105 degrees and play with empty Quaker Oats containers ... or come to Uncle Bob's house and go swimming and watch R-rated DVDs and play Play Station and dry hump their toddler cousin until he wises up and plays dead so they'll freak out and go hump the dog instead.

I've already informed Susie that we are allowed TWO GUESTS to take in to the pool with us.

Combined, we have seven nieces and nephews. All of whom act like coked-up ponies 24 hours a day. All of whom would hear the phrase "Only two of you are allowed to go to the pool with us" as "Hey, we can all go to the pool and piss in it until our bladders turn themselves inside out!"

Nine days with the knee humpers in town.

Thank GOD we're in this apartment.


And thank GOD I've got a small business trip to attend to while they're here.

At the beach.

In a casino.

Yep. My happy ass will be in Biloxi, Mississippi at the Isle of Capri Casinos, interviewing the Public Relations person there.

Afterwards, I'll either hit the casino and let Lady Luck guide me to riches or lay out on the beach all day and help lifeguards drag shark bite victims out of the water.

So at least a few days will be spent away from the knee humpers.


God really DOES watch out for me.

And you guys thought I was all full of shit.

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