THE SHOWER OF DOOM

I'm so mad I could just spit.

Well ... I have spat. But I could spit again. Oh man...I'm so mad, I could hock up loogy after loogy and just splatter the walls with thick wads of phlegm.

Can you tell I'm mad??

We go out to the house last night to see the progress.

Well, la de da...they've installed the cabinetry all throughout the house.

It looks nice. We even got our kitchen countertop which we were slightly worried about due to its greenish tint, and it looks nice too.

Everything's going great.

In fact...for those of you who are dying to see a picture of the kitchen cabinets AS WELL AS a rare photo of Uncle Bob and Andrew standing off to the side, click here.

We go to the master bathroom. I check to see if they've installed my beautiful $2,200 marble shower.

Nope. Not yet.

But they've got the piping for both shower heads in there and one control. You know...one thing that turns the water on.

Okay. I thought I'd be getting two controls, but I guess one will do. I was just hoping that when I held my next contest of "Win a Trip To Come Shower With Uncle Bob In His Fancy Schmancy New Shower" and some of you lucky gals won the contest, you'd have your own shower control to put on cold because you would be so HOT taking a long, soapy shower with moi.

You know.

Me.

El Sex Stud.

King of the Schwing.

Bada boom bada bing.

Anyway, so we get through looking at the house and I announce that I want to go check out Mattie Gee's house.

So we walk the 30 yards to Mattie's house. We go in and his house is coming along quickly. He's got tile down and around his fireplace and he's got the walls painted and he's got....

He's got....

He's got.....

.....A marble shower.

Now then ... I know that Mattie Gee wasn't getting a marble shower. Was he copying me?? Was he stealing my thunder with my marble shower that was going to be the coolest shower on the block? In the entire freakin' neighborhood?!?

It sure did look like it.

And then...upon closer inspection...as I peered ever so closely at the marble shower, I saw it.

A second control.

Mattie Gee had a marble shower with two shower heads and TWO controls.

I have one control.

My anger mixed with confusion. I was left saying things like "Why?" in my head.

I wanted to fall to my knees in the dirt that was my back yard, look to the heavens and scream "TAKE ME NOW, LORD!! MY LIFE IS OVER!!!!"

But you never know about the Lord. He may have taken me seriously and zapped my ass right there in the backyard.

So we get in the car and I call Mattie Gee.

"Hullo?" he says in his semi-stoned voice.

"When in the hell were you going to tell me about your marble shower?" I barked.

"I thought I did," he said. "They ran out of fiberglass showers and asked us if we'd take a marble shower instead."

WTF?!?

They just GAVE him a $2,200 upgrade because they were out of the normal, everyday showers?!?

HIGHLY UNFAIR!!!

I then asked him about the two shower controls. He confirmed that if you get two shower heads, you should have two shower controls.

Well ... I only have one.

And the reason I only have one is because they screwed up on my shower from the beginning. They only put one water line in there. When I brought this to their attention, they said they'd fix it. And their idea of fixing it was to split off that one line and add another to it in what can only be detailed as a "half-assed job".

Without going through and completely redoing the entire plumbing work in the bathroom, that's what I'm stuck with.

Well guess what, Uncle Bobheads??

I've got a new tune they can whistle. It's called "Uh-uh, You Sumbitches".

I'm calling the builders today and asking if I get two shower controls with my two shower heads.

The guy is either going to tell me no or is going to tell me that because they screwed up, this is going to be impossible to add.

If he tells me no, I drop the bomb on his sissy ass. I tell him that Mattie Gee is a good friend of mine and HIS ASS has two shower controls. ANNNNND a free marble shower while I'm paying $2,200 for mine. So get your tools, Buster and get in there and PUT A SECOND SHOWER CONTROL IN THAT BEEYOTCH.

And if he tells me no because they screwed up ... guess who's getting a FREE marble shower?

Damned tootin'. You don't screw up MY DREAM SHOWER and not pay for it.

These builders will RUE the day they screwed up my shower.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

*coughcoughcough*

I've GOT to stop muahahahhaing so much. It's wreaking havoc on my lungs.

I had to deal with the most evil psycho bitch from hell yesterday in California.

It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it so you understand where I'm coming from.

This lady was supposed to send me some information in April.

She didn't.

On July 1st, she sent me an email saying she forgot about me and how long does she have to get the info to me.

I told her ASAP.

As of yesterday, I still didn't have the info.

This is a common problem as in it happens a lot. I'm dealing with PR people and business owners who have more important things on their mind.

So I called and left a voice mail on the company's community voice mail, since I didn't have her direct line.

So basically, the message that I left on the voice mail was listened to first by someone else and THEN passed on to this woman who has forgotten about me.

In the voice mail, I used the terms "dangerously close to deadline" and "running out of time".

I also said that either the woman who's been slagging me off ORRRR the owner of the company can call me back.

The lady who's been slagging me left me a voice mail at lunch. She was "highly distraught" over this because she had sent me that information "the same day that we spoke months ago".

Ummmm...we didn't speak, we exchanged emails. And the info she was supposed to give me would take days to complete... there's no way she could have emailed it to me on the same day that we corresponded. No way.

And it wasn't months ago, it was a month and a week ago. Bitch.

She then said that she "didn't buy" the fact that I hadn't received the information and that she was irritated because they had paid $3,000 for this story to be written (Believe me...$3,000 is the cheapest story you can buy), waving that figure around like they were millionaires.

She told me to return her call IMMEDIATELY.

As soon as I got back from lunch, I called her.

Naturally, she had left me her DIRECT line so that I didn't have to leave a message on the company voice mail and have the message delivered to her after others had listened to it and heard what a slacker she was.

I left yet another voice mail and told her the facts. On July 1st, she had emailed me wanting to know her deadline. I immediately told her ASAP. And that was the last I had heard from her.

I checked with my editor who had not received the "package" by mistake.

Basically, this woman had dropped the ball yet again and was using blustery anger to cover up the fact that she's a dumbass.

I mentioned it to the evil boss Wendigo who said that I should have told her to give me the Fed Ex tracking number so that we could track the package she "sent" and find out who signed for it.

That would have made the lady back up.

Anyway, I told the woman in my voice mail to either call me back or resend the email information to me.

She did neither.

In a word....BUSTED.

And in hindsight...this was kinda a boring story that I shared with you simply because I didn't like the tone of voice a woman used in her voice mail.

Yes.

My diary has come to the point where I'm divulging my pettiest of issues.

Who's the pathetic one now?

I have run out of blank CDs and realize I owe about 3-4 of you CDs.

I will get new CDs today and fire them off tomorrow.

This is something that you probably wouldn't have even noticed. Your CDs will be one day late.

But I thought I'd be upfront and honest with you.

Since...well....since I have nothing else to talk about.

I did want to say that I've been getting some AWESOME discs in the mail here lately. You guys are truly da mixmasters with your mad mixing skillz.

Word.

The sad part is ... I've received a few discs now that have several of the songs that I'm sending out on MY disc on them.

But...you know...in different order with different songs between them.

Still ... I'm not being a copycat here. Not like Mattie Gee and the marble shower.

My disc was done a month or so ago when I started this disc swapping foray.

So don't come in here saying "Oooooo...Uncle Bob heard my mix and then added my songs to his mix."

WRONG, DAFFY DUCK!

These things happen, dammit.

But man...what a coinky-dink...huh?

I've gotta walk up to the store and buy a newspaper so I'm going to leave you guys right here for now.

Don't worry...don't move...I'll be back tomorrow.

Same Bob time.

Same Bob channel.