TURN ME INTO A TOAD, BUT DON'T TRY TO HUMP ME AFTERWARDS

We had to babysit my 15 year-old nephew last night...aka the Porn-Surfing Perv.

Apparently the whole family had Bible Study except for the Perv. Since they can't trust him to stay home by himself and not jizz all over everything in sight, they asked if they could bring him over here for the evening so that he could haphazardly spunk all over everything we own instead.

So he gets here about 6:30 and has some computer game in his hand that he swears is the most fun game in the history of fun computer games and we have to play it, blah blah blah.

I can't even tell you the name of the game. Had something to do with witches or some shit. I dunno. I'm 40. My days of playing computer games and masturbating simultaneously ended about two years ago.

I'm a big boy now, don't cha know?

So he plops his big goofy ass in my computer chair and tries to load the game into my computer.

For some reason, it won't load. His guess is it's because I've never updated my Windows stuff since I've owned this computer.

That's a fair guess. I don't bother with updates. This damned machine worked fine when I bought it. Why update it?

So he decides to check and see what upgrades I may need for the computer.

Hmmmmm...tryyyyy....EVERYTHING.

He downloaded all these different upgrades which took about a half hour and change. Meanwhile, I was unloading boxes in the dining room. Susie and Andrew hadn't gotten home yet.

After a while, I go to check on the Perv, who has the TV on in my office and is engrossed in a particularly riveting episode of Dragonball Z.

Google is open on my monitor.

With the search words "Naked Girls" in the little box.

"C'mon," I said, putting my hand on his perverted little shoulder. "Come help me unpack boxes."

"Whyyyyy?" he whined, trying frantically to close the window way too late.

"Because I can't trust you to be alone on the computer," I said.

"Why not?" he whined.

"Goddammit," I exclaimed, losing my patience with the Perv. "Every time I leave you alone on the computer, you're trying to look at porn...that's why! This has been going on for years. I've TOLD you not to do it...I've banned you from the computer ... and you keep finding ways to come over here and get on my computer. That's why your parents brought you over here tonight in the first place, because you can't be trusted to be home alone with a computer. It is ILLEGAL for you to download porn on the computer in this state. If you get caught, you'll go to PRISON!!!"

"No I won't," he said. "We download naked pictures all the time at Josh's house."

"I don't care WHAT you do at Josh's house," I snapped back. "But this is MY house and I've been telling you for two years that you will NOT use my computer to download porn. What part of that don't you understand?"

He just sat there staring at me all defiant. The kid is all wrapped up in porn and fantasy computer games. I feel quite sure he was trying to mentally turn me into a toad or a naked blonde. This is the same kid who asked me my opinion on what would happen if he showed up on the first day of ninth grade wearing a cloak.

A fucking cloak.

I told him he'd probably get his ass kicked, since his school is in the worst part of the city and has more than its share of gang members there. Plus, where the hell was he going to find a cloak.

He was going to have his grandmother...my mother-in-law ... sew him one.

Anyway...I shut off the computer, threatened to once again tell his Dad that he was downloading porn on my computer, which got no response out of him since the last time I told his parents, they just shrugged their shoulders. My brother-in-law may be an avid church goer and devout Bible Study guy....but he's got a porn collection that would shame most adult video stores.

Perv helped me unpack boxes for about 30 seconds before he whined that he wanted to play my Play Station. I sighed and relented and he found some demo disc that had some wizards and warlocks game on it with little cartoon characters that had him chanting how he was going to turn everyone into mystical dwarves or some shit for the rest of the night.

I'm going to go on record and say that my perverted little nephew is going to have a harder time getting laid than my Coke-slurping, $1,500-owing, loser brother-in-law whose last date with a woman was in the late '80s.

I'm hoping to put a cap and seal on the Maggie Saga once and for all today.

My boy Mattie Gee had a kennel/crate that he had used for his dog Brak when they lived in an apartment that was in perfect condition in his garage. Why I didn't think of this sooner, I have no idea.

Why HE didn't think of it sooner and offer it to me ... well...I'll just chalk that up to his ever-present stonage.

(I kid...I kid)

I walked over there last night and we brought it back to my house, set the crate up in my office so that it's currently right behind me. Maggie's also currently right behind me, but not in the cage.

She is NOT going to like this cage. I feel quite sure of that. She's used to being able to do whatever she wants all day long while we're gone.

You know...like scratch the door frame until deep canyons of raw wood have replaced the actual frame, leaving sawdust and chunks of door frame all over the floor.

Anyway ... today we try the crate. Thanks to everyone who suggested it yesterday and the day before and the day before that, etc.

We'll see if it works.

The pet store called me yesterday afternoon to let me know that our sliding glass doggie door was in.

Whooohoooo!! A crate AND a doggie door all in one day! I could finally rest with ease.

Well...the doggie door is NOT what the guy at the store said it would be. He told us it would fit a sliding glass door anywhere from 76" to 86" high and would accomodate dogs up to 20" wide in the shoulders.

This one is 96" high and only 10" wide. My dog's shoulders are 12" wide and her middle is 15" wide. She's a fat, bloated pooch.

Since it's NOT what the guy quoted us as being, we're taking it back today even though it's been opened, assembled and the little "How to Install" video had been watched, rewound, and watched again more times than the Zapruder Film.

Hopefully now, the crate will be our salvation and we can either wait for another doggie door or do without one.

And to those thinking that I've been too cruel in all this and I just want to see my dog dead ... keep in mind that I've exhausted every route we could take with this dog. I've TRIED to pass her off to someone else and nobody else wanted her. I've put up posters in the vet's office of a loving dog free to a good home. I've TRIED to lock her outside during the day. We have done everything we could think of to accommodate the dog and none of it has worked.

And it's not the peeing on the carpet that's the problem anymore. She hasn't peed on the carpet for a week now. I'm hoping that phase is over with. Now it's the complete destruction of the house that has me worried with the nagging fear that she will pee on the carpet once again. I don't think her kidneys are failing her or her age is ruling over her bladder.

Anyway...I'm tired of typing about her. Let's move on to other things.

I ordered the DVD Player of my dreams yesterday!!

Check this out.

At first, it looks like your average DVD player until you look under "Detailed Info" and see "JPEG Files: This unit will also play JPEG files (still pictures) recorded on a CD-R or CD-RW."

Meaning that all the digital photos that I've taken and will take of Andrew in the future can be viewed on the television rather than just the computer monitor.

God bless modern technology.

To the best of my knowledge, very few DVD players offer this feature. I've been waiting for several months for this player to be released and happened to find it yesterday IN STOCK at Crutchfield. All of the other places that I've been watching said "Coming soon".

God bless Crutchfield.

So by the end of the week I should have my dream DVD player.

Now if I could just get my damned subwoofer in for my Home Theater, I'd be set.

Damned subwoofer thingie.

Oh!

Remember when I asked/told/demanded that you guys go to Mattie Gee's band website and then register for Ozzfest tickets to help the band win an authentic Jagermeister guitar by having the #1 website generating the most hits for the contest?

Remember that???

Well...guess which Jagermeister-sponsored band's website got the most hits??

No...not the Union Underground.

No...not the Bloodhound Gang.

Yes....Mattie Gee's band, The Spicolis.

They received their Jagermeister guitar last week.

Sooooo...thanks to all of you guys and gals who went and registered to win. I know of at least four of you who won tickets to Ozzfest by doing so and that's pretty cool.

It also makes the band look pretty cool in the eyes of their sponsors, which helps them out in the long run.

As I've always said...you people rawk. Which is why I've kept doing this every morning for the last two and a half years.

For you guys.

The ones who rawk.