STRIPPERS ARE MY KRYPTONITE

I overslept.

Well...since I have this awesome Sleep Apnea, I didn't actually oversleep. It's more like I overlaid there and thought I was asleep when I was drifting in and out of consciousness for several hours and really only "slept" for about 90 minutes.

Regardless ... I don't have much time to do this.

Because I have to water the shrubs out front since I haven't watered them in two days because the g-damned weatherman on television keeps telling me that "it's going to rain, it's going to rain" and yet nary a drop of precipitation has touched my yard in the last two days.

He's now predicting a 50% chance of rain. Which is the biggest wussy cop-out route that a weatherman can take.

A 50% chance of rain means "It might rain. It might not."

Christ on a slab of concrete! I can predict that!

I always wanted to be a weatherman. If I was, I'd ALWAYS predict a 50% chance of rain. That'd be my gimmick. I'd do the weather report and add at the end..."Don't forget....there's a 50% chance of rain!" And then the hot anchor would giggle at my little running joke and later wrap her ankles around my neck backstage and ask me to give her a 50% chance of some hot sex.

Yeah.

That would be the life, babe.

Tonight, I've got to go to our church for the rehearsal of Edweird's wedding.

I truly never thought he'd make it this far. I had lunch with my ex-evil boss Wendigo yesterday and we both kept saying we can't believe he's getting married.

Six months ago, he was avoiding marriage like the plague. He was quite content with living with his girlfriend. While his girlfriend was getting itchy for a wedding ring.

I prodded Eddie to buy her a ring. He confessed that he was saving his money in order to buy her a $2,500 ring because he had seen all those jewelry commercials that say you HAVE to spend two months salary on a ring.

I reminded him that the Jewelry Industry recommends that you spend two months salary on a ring. But reality dictates that if your woman is desperate for you to marry her, you lay down a couple hundred bucks for a wedding ring and get it over with.

So that's what he did.

Six months ago.

And tomorrow, he gets married.

It's so weird. I've known him almost ten years. The first four years I knew him, he couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a handful of pardons.

Then he started dating a co-worker and moved in with her. Their relationship was based on their love for humping each other.

Then, one night, his now fiancee called him up late after a few drinks and asked him if she were to ask him to go out with her, would he do it?

He said yes. He would dump his girlfriend/live-in lover of the last two years in a heartbeat for one night with his now-fiancee.

And he did it. Shocked the hell out of everyone who knew him. He just dumped one and moved in with the next one.

They've been together for two years now and get married tomorrow.

Last night was his bachelor party. At first, I wasn't invited because...well..."Survivor" was on and Edweird felt sure I'd rather watch "Survivor" then go to his bachelor party.

I was invited this week when he found out that Wendigo's husband had secured a limo and they were going to Atlanta to hit some strip clubs.

Uhhhhh....no. Strip clubs are my Kryptonite. I get in there and I turn weak. I shakily reach for my credit cards and before I know it, I'm a thousand dollars in debt. Sooooo...no. Have a great time. But count me out.

So I'm the official "videographer" for the wedding because Edweird didn't want to have to spring the money for a real videographer. I literally have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to shooting weddings. No idea whatsoever. I've told Edweird that the microphone on my camera sucks and if it's far away from them, they won't hear a thing.

He didn't care. He just didn't want to have to pay the extra money for a real videographer.

Okay.

After the wedding, I then change hats and turn into the official deejay for the reception.

THIS I can do. I feel comfortable deejaying the reception. I have the equipment and music to do a decent job.

But the video? That's going to be crap.

But hey...he's saving money.

Money that he spent last night on strippers.

Say what you want about the boy...but he's got his priorities straight.

I guess I forgot to follow-up the story about my wife getting written up at work and firing off a semi-nasty letter to her boss in retaliation.

Here's the scoop.

I talked her into letting me rewrite the letter, which she did.

I took out the harsh stuff, accusing him of being a shitty boss.

Well hell...I'll just let you read it for yourself...

I have a few concerns that I would like to address in the write-up of my recent performance.

Under "Describe Facts In Detail", I am being written up for more than my boss originally discussed with me. He informed me that I was being written up for my mistake on the spreadsheet. I admit that I made an honest mistake and am not offering any excuses for it. I fully understand the seriousness of confidentiality in such matters and would never intentionally have included the information. However, I was under the impression that mistake was all I was being written up for. It wasn't until I was presented with the write-up form two days after the fact that I discovered that I had also been written up for the managment action plan and not following up on phone calls. In my opinion, these concerns seemed to be added as an after-thought to the form, having never been addressed formally and in detail before this.

I also am concerned that this is the very first write up that I have received after nearly a decade with this company and the possible consequence is "TERMINATION". I have always been under the impression that there was such a thing as "progressive discipline" employed by our company. If my recollection serves me correctly, management is required to give an associate more than one write up before termination is even considered a consequence, especially if the associate happens to be a long-term associate.

The Management Action Plan would be an ideal situation if all I did was stick to that plan and didn't have the large amount of other work duties that must be adhered to every day. I will be the first to admit that I've fallen behind in my work recently. But in my defense, my assistant and my boss were both out of the office for a week for GPI 101 training, I had personal issues to attend to (closing on my home and all of the intricate details that must be attended to when moving into a new home) and I was out sick several days with tonsillitis. When situations such as these occur, it is only natural to think that a person will get behind in their work. In order to get caught up in my work, I have worked over 40 hours each week even though the company frowns on overtime, and have taken work home with me at the expense of my family time and at no cost to the company. I feel I have given 110% in trying to get my head above water in this situation and being a team player ... and then I get written up for it. I don't know what else is expected of me at this time and feel that rather than being admonished for falling behind, some managerial guidance may be the proper solution in order to steer me into a more positive direction.

As far as the "returning of phone calls" ... nationwide, the average Human Resources coordinator has responsibilities for 100 associates. Between Amanda and myself, we are responsible for 800+ associates. As ideal as it would be to be able to return phone calls in a timely and prompt fashion, the reality of the situation sometimes dictates that is clearly impossible. I have never intentionally put off calling anyone and try to return calls as quickly as I receive them in the order that I receive them. However, my responsibilities are such that I sometimes have to make judgement calls as to which associate's needs are more important and need more immediate assistance. If my only job detail were to return phone calls, this wouldn't pose a problem however my job description encompasses much more than this. I am only human and sometimes there are simply not enough hours in the day to correct each problem that I am faced with from store managers and personnel as well as complete my daily tasks. I sincerely don't think that my job performance should be based on a small percentage of people who are dissatisfied with the length of time it takes me to return a phone call. Especially when the large percentage of people who DO benefit each day from my prompt attention to their needs hasn't even been considered. When looking at the situation from this perspective, anyone can see that the good far outweighs the bad.

But since this is a genuine management concern, I pledge to do my best to rectify the situation immediately and do everything in my power to assure that every single employee that I am responsible for receives my full and undivided attention in each of their respective matters. As far as the Management Action Plan, as I've stated, managerial assistance from my boss could prove to be the key in improving my performance.

I just wanted my side of the situation to be heard, documented and hopefully understood.

Sincerely,

Susie (Mrs. Uncle Bob)

Basically, it's blowing a lot of smoke up an ass or two.

Anyway...her boss got this, said "Whoa!" and then told Susie that he didn't mean for her to take this "so seriously" and that it was just a reprimand. He would "never terminate" her for such a thing and didn't want her to think she would be terminated for this.

He blew the smoke back up her ass.

So now, they're both sitting there with sufficient smoke up each of their asses and both feel better about the situation.

All because of me and my little talent of writing!

Go me!

Alright...I've gotta go water the shrubs...dammit.

Have a great weekend!