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6:07 a.m. - 2002-11-05


G-damned Pervy.

So last night he comes over for his weekly visit. Last week, he trapped me into having a conversation with him about horror movies.

I love a good horror movie. To me, they're like an amusement park ride full of chills and thrills. So we talked about horror movies and it was obvious to me, he had never seen the "classics".

You know..."Leprechaun 4" and "Return of the Living Dead 3". Things like that.

Anyway, he gets here and I hold up the DVD of "Halloween".

"Ever seen this?" I ask.

"Nope," he says. "But I've heard about it."

So I decide to be the cool Uncle Bob and let him watch the movie on my computer. He's only 15 and the movie's rated R ... but y' sure beats surfing for porn in my book.

I make the mistake of closing my office door and leaving him to watch the movie in peace.

About an hour or so later, I decide to check on the grubby little bastard.

He's turned off the movie and is playing Minesweep on my computer or whatever the hell the name of that game is called.

"Is the movie over already?" I asked.

"Nah," he says. "That movie was boring. I quit watching it."

Halloween....boring? What did this kid want...snuff films???

So even though he's on the computer...he's only playing a simple game. So against my better judgement...I leave him alone.

Foolish move, Mr. Bond.

At 9:30, his dad and brother show up to pick him up and drag his ass home.

Out of curiosity, I go and check my Explorer's history to see if he had actually gotten on the web.

He had.

The following links are to show you guys what he was looking at. I bookmarked all of the sites that were in my history that I had never seen before. These sites are more or less for ADULTS only. I wouldn't open them at work if I were an adult. And if you're not an adult and open them, then you're no better than Pervy, ya little sleazepuppet.

Apparently, Yahoo has a Sex Directory. I had no idea this existed.

This one...well...I didn't click on the links because they're all in Spanish and maybe he thought he was fooling me by downloading Spanish porn. But the words "porno" and "Perverso" kinda gave it away.

This one was by far the most disturbing. Don't click on it. I'm warning you. I'll just give you a brief description of's a naked lady's crotch with a tarantula crawling across it.

Porn is one thing...but obviously this kid is looking up DISTURBING porn. The kind that will turn you into a major pervert someday. The kind that will find you buying whores and requesting that they put poisonous spiders on their crotch for your amusement.

Sorry. But at 15, I was whacking off to the underwear section in Sears catalogs. NOT pictures of women with bugs all over their woo-woos. And we all know how weird I turned just imagine what kinda serial killer pervert this kid's going to be.

I told Susie about his wack assed adventures on our computer and said that I need her support here. I do NOT want that kid to ever be on our computer again. And I SERIOUSLY do not want to babysit him anymore on Monday nights. He has been told numerous times to NOT look up porn on our computer. He's been told he can no longer use our computer AT ALL and lays low for a while before jumping right back on it, denying all charges that he uses our computer for surfing porn.

This time I have the sites bookmarked. This time I can show his Dad what he does when he comes over to our house. This time, I think I've got him cornered.

However...if you have a suggestion on how to best handle this, short of nailing the kid's pecker to his crotch, leave me a message.

...And no...I can't castrate the boy.

I don't have the tools.

I’ve been asked to plug a few things because I’m a genuine whore like that. People say “Uncle Bob…I need your help” and I’m all like “What can I do short of buying you an iron lung?”

So here we go…

First…if you’re the type of person who enjoys wearing t-shirts but just can’t find any that are offensive enough for you, check out Russell’s new shop. Keep in mind…I do not condone these t-shirts. I think they’re funny and inventive, but I did NOT come up with the idea for them. Parental guidance is strongly suggested on that page.

Second … when was the last time you did me a favor and wrote a Suck Ass Poem for your old Uncle Bob?

ANSWER: You’ve NEVER done it. And if you have, it’s been a while.

Go to the site, click on the Submit a Suck Ass Poem and get to work, dudettes and dudes.

Seriously, a guy shouldn’t have to wait so long for you to seduce him with bad poetry.

So yesterday, I’m sitting at my desk, wondering if I want to eat the yogurt and rice that I’ve been storing in the freezer since Jesus was a baby, or did I want to go out and grab a hot lunch somewhere.

Hot lunch wins! Hot lunch wins!!

Now then…where does Uncle Bob wanna go for that hot lunch?


Let’s call my former favorite Chinese place on the other side of town, get some General Tso’s chicken and fried rice!!

Whoooohooooo!! There’s a party in my mouth and General Tso is throwing it!

So I get in the car and start my drive across town.

About three miles or so from the place, I call the number. It takes them about three seconds to throw a lunch together because they are the best Chinese restaurant in the world and they kick unholy American ass.

….But….they really need to hire at least one American to work there.

Preferably an American who can answer the phone.

Have you noticed though…if you ever go into an ethnic restaurant like Chinese or Mexican…they rarely ever hire Americans to work there?

Maybe they do in your town. Maybe I’m being presumptuous in my ponderings. But all I can speak for are the restaurants in my town. And in my town, all Chinese restaurants are manned by Chinese folk.

So I call.

“Ring! Ring!” the phone says.

Somebody picks up and there’s unintelligible babbling on the other end. If I had to quickly decipher what was going on, I’d say there was a dog gargling with Scope on the other line. But somewhere in there, I heard the word “China” which either meant that I had reached the correct restaurant or I was about to get one helluva cell phone bill.

“Yes, I’d like to order General Tso’s chicken,” I said slowly and clearly.

The person said something that sounded like she repeated what I had just said. Either that or she dropped a handful of loose change on the phone receiver.

“Yes,” I said, rather warily. I wasn’t quite sure what I had just agreed to, but it sounded like a question.

“Number 23!” she said and hung up.

This is how they do things there. You tell them what you want and they shout a number at you and hang up. They don’t tell you the total price. They don’t tell you how long it’ll take. They expect you to know these things.

I make it over to the restaurant, walk in and say proudly “Number 23!” as if I not only understood what she shouted at the end of our little conversation, but I had understood everything else she said as well.

At this point, there’s more jabbering to be had. To the best of my knowledge, she said “$5.05” which signified how much my meal cost. She then asked if I wanted soy sauce or duck sauce, but it comes out “duh saw soy saw” really fast.


I always just say “Yes”. The sauces are in little packets and I could always throw them at bicyclists on my way back to the office if I’m not actually going to use them.

Then I could swear the girl asked me if I liked purified water.

Personally, I felt as if it were none of her business if I liked my water purified or not. But in order to avoid any wrath from her direction (I saw bits and pieces of “Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger”. I know how wound up these Asian chicks can get when you piss ‘em off), I told her “yes”.

So she gives me a fortune cookie and some Chinese mustard. I have no idea what in the hell I’d eat the mustard on. None whatsoever. In my opinion, it’d look good on the back of a bicyclist’s windbreaker and that’s about it. But hey…I said “yes”…so she gave them to me.

I came back to the office, sat down on my desk and dug into the worst Chinese food I’ve had in a while.

Either it’s been a long time since I ate there and merely THOUGHT it was good food … or they have gotten worlds shittier than they used to be.

I don’t know which way I’m leaning toward.

But I think I’ve quelled my craving for the food for a while.

I came up with a great reason why we should legalize marijuana.

…Because marijuana users have really TRIED to get it legalized.

You don’t see cocaine users petitioning to get cocaine legalized. There are no efforts being made to educate Americans on the many uses for cocaine. Unless you count that creepy guy in accounting that told you he put cocaine on the tip of his penis in order to give himself a longer-lasting erection. And he doesn’t count.

Same goes with heroin, crack, ecstasy and LSD. Nobody’s going to Capital Hill to battle with congress over the legalization of their drugs.

But the potheads are like clockwork. They’re holding rallies and raising funds and FIGHTING to get their drug legalized.

So let’s just give it to them. Here. Here’s your pot. You can smoke it in your house and we won’t arrest you. Knock yourself out. Literally.

(Can you tell I’m missing the weed?)

I think that I have now successfully mailed out every Diaryland Ass Shaker CD to everyone who sent me a CD.

If for some reason you sent me a CD and I didn’t send you one back, please email me and let me know. I tried to keep a good record of who got one and who didn’t. And to my knowledge, everyone’s gotten one.

But if you haven’t…lemme know.

That's it from me. I've got a little boy that wants me to dance with him to The Wiggles at 6 a.m.

He's going to be one tired little pup about 10 a.m.

Lucky daycare lady.

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