THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT PERVY

Wow!!

You guys...you guys...awwwww....C'MERE!!!

(Uncle Bob hugs each and every reader,quickly squeezing an ass cheek or two)

Thanks for all the tips on how to deal with Pervy and his compulsive porno behavior.

I should probably cough up some background on a few issues since I really didn't go into a lot of detail yesterday.

* The reason we watch Pervy every Monday night is because his parents can't trust him to stay home alone and NOT surf for disturbing porn at home. This has never been said outright, it's just my gut feeling. Because when I was 15, my parents would leave me home alone all weekend. Well...maybe not all weekend. But I was certainly allowed to stay home by myself.

*Watching Pervy on Monday nights used to be Grandma's gig until she moved 30 miles north of here. He HAS been caught doing this same thing on his grandmother's computer and was reprimanded by his own damned grandmother to quit using her computer to surf for porn. I dunno about you, but if my Grandmother EVER chastised me for looking at porno in her house, I'd be singing harmony with Kurt Cobain by now.

*The ACTUAL reason we watch him is because the rest of the family goes to Bible Study on Monday nights and there's not a class offered for 15 year-olds on Monday nights.

Can anybody else smell the irony in this situation? The whole family is at Bible Study and Pervy is trying desperately to get to a computer so he can look at pictures of naked women with tarantulas crawling on them.

* He's been told not to do this since the first time he was caught at our house doing it two years ago when he was 13. He's been told that he could NEVER use our computer again. It is completely MY FAULT for letting him back on it and not sticking to my guns. He was not allowed to use my computer for close to six months. He started using it again innocently enough...wanting to look up cheat codes for Play Station...noodling around on Pokemon sites...etc. He basically gained my trust back and I was under the impression that we wouldn't have any more problems with him and his compulsion.

*Yes...all 15 year-old boys will do most anything to look at naked women. This fact isn't lost on me, believe me.

But ... when you've been told NOT to do it on a relative's computer and then you go ahead and do it anyway...that's a lack of respect that borders on a sickness. There's billions of webpages out there. He could look at billions of things that aren't porn-related. Yet he gravitates toward not just porn...but strange porn. If he had been looking at playboy.com, I doubt I'd be all that bent out of shape.

But at 15, he's looking at far worse stuff than Playboy. Which means that when he gets to be 18, he's going to think it's natural to stick toilet plungers up his date's ass while she's covered in dog shit. The boy's perception of sexuality is already severely warped.

You guys came up with some great suggestions. The best, by far, was to beat the living shit out of the kid and leave him for dead on the side of a deserted road.

Sadly, this isn't an option. I'm not doing prison time for this pervert.

Second best was password protecting the computer. I've looked into NetNanny and things like that, but those aren't free and frankly, I'm not going to invest in them just because I have a pervert for a nephew who cannot control himself for a few hours each week.

My train of thought has me doing this: Disconnecting my mouse and keyboard each week before he comes over and hiding them in the house.

When he comes over next Monday, he can slowly slink back here to the computer, sit down, rub his fat, dirty penis for good luck, pull out the keyboard drawer and .... do absolutely NOTHING.

Then he'll come to me and ask where the keyboard is.

And at that point, I can tell him. He's never using our computer EVER again.

EVER.

EVER.

EVER.

I can explain to him why. I can tell him that he has totally shown a lack of respect for me and my family by doing what he's been doing. I can tell him that he's in my home against my wishes because if it were up to me, I wouldn't be saddled with his perverted ass each Monday night. He's no longer allowed in my office alone, and if he's coming over here, he should bring a book each week because if he doesn't like what we're watching on television or listening to on the stereo...tough shit. This ain't shangri-la, you fucking pervert.

Then I'll smack him really hard with my hand cupped on his ear and hope I cause some permanent damage so he'll always remember our conversation.

That's what I want to do.

But after showing Susie the websites that he had looked at last night, those plans have changed somewhat.

Keep in mind, I only shared three out of eight sites with you people yesterday. There were five more sites that were so vulgar I didn't feel comfortable sharing them with you. And I wasn't about to link to them.

Anyway...Susie thinks that we both need to sit down with him and do the whole "We're very concerned about you and your habit" shit.

Personally, I don't feel like we're the right people to do this. That talk should come from his parents. And if his parents have already had the talk...then the boy needs some counseling.

Regardless...the shit's going to hit the fan in the upcoming week.

And something tells me Pervy will get all horny watching actual shit hitting a fan.

Freakin' politicians.

I didn't vote yesterday. I'm so disgusted by the negative campaigning that I just said "Screw it". Whoever I voted for would be the lesser of the two evils because NO politicians in this state actually discussed their platforms. They just badmouthed their opponents.

Today, the governor's race in our state is being debated and no clear winner has been declared yet.

I knew this would happen. The grubby fucking politicians are clinging on to hope like it's a cracker on Survivor Island.

I hate politicians.

Hate 'em.

And to think...at one point...I foolishly toyed with the idea of perhaps running for Mayor of this city one day.

No thanks.

I went to Captain D's yesterday for lunch.

It's a great little seafood place.

That's according to its jingle.

The jingle should be changed to "Eat and get out before you get shot".

I tried to go through the drive thru since it was raining puppies and kittens yesterday at lunchtime.

"Come inside...the drive thru is all busted" read the sign.

That should have been my first warning.

I get inside and decide to just eat there. No sense in getting it to go at this point.

I get my broiled fish platter, sit down and begin to eat.

Apparently, there's a Crips reunion taking place and I didn't know about it. Several young upstanding men with tattoos of Tupac on their shoulders and blue bandannas tied around their eyes moseyed in and sat down without ordering anything.

This is commonly referred to as "loitering".

They then tried to break the world's record for most consecutive uses of the word "Motherfucker" while picking lice off their penises.

...And these weren't the WORST people inside the restaurant.

There were two guys ... looked to be in their 40s or 50s....looked like construction workers of some sort. Perhaps painters because their skin was several different colors. Call me Sherlock Holmes.

Anyway...one of the guys kept belching.

LOUDLY.

He had no shame in what he was doing. He wasn't doing it for attention or laughs.

He was belching loud enough for everyone to hear him. The first time he did it, I thought "Tell me that guy didn't just do that."

Then he did it again.

And again.

And again.

Between the gang members preparing their penises to go impregnate half the habitants of the nearest housing project and Captain Burpalot belching the National Anthem I was about to puke.

So I got my fish to go and left.

Got back to the office, ate lukewarm fish and fought the inevitable exhausted pass out for the rest of the afternoon.

I burped once.

And chuckled at the memory of Captain Burpalot.

Rest in peace, Burp Boy.

That's enough.

Hell...that's MORE than enough.

Thanks for listening to me bitch once again.

You're alright in my book.