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5:49 p.m. - 2002-12-05


Because I chose to lay in my comfy new bed with my comfy new oxygen mask on, going "What the fuck am I going to write about today?", I come to the table with nothing.

I could bitch about how the rest of the southeast is closed down because of snow and ice while we've been dealing with the dangerous and treacherous...cold sprinkles. I HATE the weather here. The rest of you guys are having a white Christmas...we have a brown Christmas here. The grass is brown. The trees are brown. It's dull. It's depressing. I hate it. I want to shoot the weather. BLAMMO!! You're DEAD, weather!! BOOOO-YAAAHHH!! anyway...

I dug up yet another of my columns from the newspaper to entertain you guys.

This particular one was a challenge because I wrote about my experience with the drug Viagra.

As many of you know, the drug Viagra is used to help men get a rock hard cock that lasts all night long. Nothing is safe from your penis when you take Viagra because you will fuck ANYTHING once you take it.

Just ask my dog Maggie. She still watches me warily every time I swallow a pill and scoots her ass up against the wall for hours.

The challenge here was to write about it without using the phrases "rock hard cock", "fuck all night" and "made her bleed like a bitch".

Not easy when you're talking about Viagra.

Regardless ... here you go. Enjoy. Or don't.

Okay ... we've all done something before that we didn't HAVE to do. For some, it's innocent as taking an extra piece of pie at Thanksgiving dinner. For others ... well ... it ain't no slab of pumpkin pie.

Earlier this year, during my annual physical ("Annual" meaning "every two decades" ... I take liberty with the word on occasion ... sue me), I happened to blurt out to the doctor "So tell me about this Viagra thing."

My mouth started throttling down the highway of stupidity before my brain could catch up to say "BRAIN TO IDIOT! BRAIN TO IDIOT!! Your doctor thinks you're a sex freak now!!"

(Okay. Right off the bat here ... I may as well confide in you. Yes .... IT has happened to me. More than once, but less than five times. For those of you who are not masters of the sly innuendo, let me see if I can draw you a better picture ... Little Bobby has shown up late for the big dance and lost out on all the fun on more than one occasion. Better?)

The doctor looked at me and with a gleam in his eye said "Would you like to try some?"

Just like that.

He didn't ask "So Uncle Bob ... you say you've been having trouble taking the wood to the shed?" "You're trying to tell me that the Hindenburg has crashed??"

Other than the fact that I have the physical stamina of a one-winged moth, I am in relatively good health and let's face it ... CURIOUS about what I had read on this wonder drug ... thus I agreed to a little prescription for Peter's Pep Pills.

What the heck. I figured I could get the prescription, run home, whip up some delicious Hamburger Helper for dinner (I'm a big fan of the tuna lasagna myself) and give Mrs. Bob an early Christmas present to boot. Make a night of it.

The doctor informed me that I was his first patient that had asked about the drug (remember ... this is right when the drug hit the market) and he was as curious as I was about it. After I swore for the 14th time that I was NOT some kind of sex freak, he scribbled out the prescription and we both cackled with nervous glee.

Me moreso than him.

I scurried out of the doctor's office like a little kid who just snuck a Playboy out of his dad's closet and went to pick up THE PRESCRIPTION.

I'll be the first to admit -- it had not dawned on me that when I went into the pharmacy, that there could actually be people present as I shoved this prescription across the counter. One scenario kept playing itself over and over in my head:


ME: I need to get this filled (Hand her the prescription).

BEAUTIFUL PHARMACIST: One moment please ... (She then grins and goes to show the prescription to all the other beautiful pharmacists who all look at the piece of paper, look over at me, then shield their faces while they giggle hysterically and point at my crotchal area)

ME: (Acting like I have somewhere to be so that MAYBE they may hurry the prescription up and I can cheat death by embarrassment one more time) How long will it be?

BEAUTIFUL PHARMACIST: It doesn't get any longer Mr. Bob. Didn't the doctor tell you that? It just stays around longer.

(Beautiful crowd behind the counter doubles over with laughter.)

Needless to say, the actual filling of the prescription wasn't that bad. Although I was wearing my polo shirt with this newspaper's logo on it and the beautiful pharmacist DID recognize me from this column and told me how much she liked it. That made it kind of awkward when I handed her a note that basically said "Hey there ... Mr. Funny Boy's love battery needs a jump start."

But gossip mongers be damned ... I had come this far, there was no turning back at this point. If Miss Beautiful Pharmacist decided to go out with her friends that night, get rip roaring drunk and jump up on some local barroom stage to blast out an offkey version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" on the karaoke machine, only to break down and tell everyone that Uncle Bob is a viagra junkie instead with EVERY SINGLE FRIEND AND FAMILY MEMBER of mine in the audience, I don't care. I had come this far. I wasn't turning back now.

Needless to say, it's just another day in Miss Pharmacist's eyes. I'm sure that my prescription for Viagra isn't nearly as earth shattering as the hemmerhoid medicine that local radio legend and dear friend Bear O' Brian comes in for on a weekly basis.

That evening, Susie got home with a big grin on her face (Tuna Lasagna never fails to get that face lit up). After dinner I told her I had a surprise. I told her the doctor had given me three Viagra tablets and was sort of using me as a guinea pig to see how they worked on a guy who didn't REALLY need them ... a guy who was just ... you know ... curious.

With her encouragment (If you call violent threats in hushed tones "encouragement")she invited me to the bedroom with all the restraint of a five year-old on Christmas morning. Mama had a new toy to play with and she couldn't wait any longer to open the package so to speak.

Thirty minutes later, Little Bobby not only showed up on time for the big dance, he was driving Daddy's shiny new cadillac and was ready to boogiewoogie all night long.

Now before I go any further, I'm sure you are reading this with some questions running through your head. Let me see if I can answer them for you:

1. Yes

2. As if Cindy Crawford just showed up at my front door in a bikini.

3. Longer than most football games

4. Ha ha ha! No.

5. "Oh God, yes, yes YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!"

6. Oh yeah, my friend ... every single penny.

It also made me make guttural sounds that I can only compare to the late Harry Carey coughing up a tequila-soaked fur ball.

Right after I took the pill, we decided to watch the greatest film of all time (according to seventh grade girls worldwide) -- "Titanic" -- and by the end of the movie, one ship was STILL left standing. I give it two thumbs up and a bag of chips. After the little lady surrendered for the evening, me and my new best friend went to the kitchen to munch down on some honey-pecan chicken and see what was on Cinemax.

The next day, I was the absolute most nauseous I had ever been, and that includes my one night stand with Jack Daniels back in 1979. My toilet and I formed a special bond that day that no other bathroom fixture will ever hope to break.

I'm still not sure if it was the honey-pecan chicken or the Viagra. All I know is that at one point I KNOW I swallowed at least some portion of my lower intestine during a 15 minute-long round of dry heaves.

So now ... six months later, I'm down to two Viagra tablets. I am in no hurry to try the next one. It's like ... you get your birthday cake and it's your favorite strawberry cheesecake ice cream birthday cake imported from a small bakery in France that you haven't had since your rich Uncle Pete had it flown in first class when you were a child and it's the fondest memory that you have as a child. So you engorge yourself at one sitting and the next thing you know ... the pain just wasn't worth the pleasure.

And with Viagra, it doesn't even come CLOSE to tasting like imported strawberry cheesecake either.

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