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8:25 a.m. - 2002-12-18


If life truly is like a box of chocolates, I think that I'm the hazlenut crunch kinda guy. Tall and dark on the outside due to my skin tone and height, while being crunchy and gooey on the inside due to my bone structure and internal organs.

Is there any greater joy on God's green earth than the feel of a new toothbrush?

I don't smoke but I enjoy sitting in smoking sections because I like the way it makes my clothes smell.

It's a week before Christmas and that means only one thing: Christmas is a week away.

I like the ballet for one reason and that's those block rocking beats.

Here's a fun trick. Go buy a CD player, take it home and play your discs upside down, destroying the laser beams inside. Then take the player back, get a new one and do the same to that. Keep doing this until the store goes out of business. Then, in the future, when you're giving a stranger directions, you can say "Turn at the old hi-fi stereo building. You know ... I put that place out of business."

I bet if the doctor came out to me in the waiting room and said "Your wife had seven babies," I would think he said "Your wife has severe rabies," and I would probably say something stupid like "Well, then shoot her." Keep in mind ... I'm a little hard of hearing.

I think if they can only play one song at my funeral it would be "They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Ha!" from the Dr. Demento show because everyone would laugh because it's true. And that's the funniest thing sometimes, the true things.

I am thoroughly convinced that if indeed there was a Greek god of soft drinks, his name would be Rootbeerius.

If I was stuck on a desert island and could have only one thing, I think it would be a fully stocked yacht at my full exposure. If I was allowed two things, I'd want a fully stocked multi-million dollar dream home on this island, with the yacht parked out back.

Have the New Kids on the Block broken up yet? I get the feeling we're all standing around waiting for an official disbandment announcement that may never come from these talented young thugs from Boston. And sometimes, that saddens me.

One time while driving on a trip, I took a wrong turn and landed at the shoreline of the Atlantic ocean. "Where do I go now," I asked. "Left" my wife replied. We both laughed for about five minutes. I guess you had to be there.

When I was a young lad, my favorite toy was a puppet named Herbie LoveBug. Herbie wasn't actually a puppet, he was a rusted shaving cream can that my father had thrown away and I had rescued from the trash. But I loved that shaving cream can like he was the best damned puppet money could buy? Of course, eventually my obsession with Herbie ended after a series of tetanus shots and a spanking. Maybe that explains my relunctance to bring rusted shaving cream cans into the bedroom.

Sometimes people call my house late at night and don't say anything. Except how they're going to come get my car and furniture if I don't hurry up and pay them. I just do like they do in that commercial and call those lawyers, and then the lawyers get all peeved with me because it's late at night! Then who do you think I call? Ghostbusters!! No, not really.

I wish I had a big cowboy hat, because I would wear it everywhere I went. And I would change my name to Big Tex. And people would say "Here comes Big Tex and his big hat." I would tip my hat to the ladies and then say "Howdy ma'am" and grown women would swoon. Men would say to their friends... "You know that Big Tex ... he sure is a ladykiller." And his friend would say "It's the hat." Even though that would expose my secret, I wouldn't mind because let's face it ... give the hat some credit.

There's a time and place for romance. It's called "right before sex."

Here's a helpful tip. When interviewing for a nice job, don't lean so far back in your chair that you topple over backwards. You may not think it at the time, but potential employers remember those types of things when it comes to making decisions on who to hire.

The worst job I think I ever had was selling vacuum cleaners door to door during the hottest summer on record. That job really sucked. Pun intended.

I think if I had to be a part of any other time in history, I think it would have to be around the incas, whenever they were. Because I would always say "Inka Dinka Do" like Jimmy Durante and we would all laugh because they have probably never heard that one before.

If I had to be a monster I would want to be a werewolf, just so I could shave off all the fur and expose the werewolf for what he really is. And that is, just a guy with severe follicle growth and an attitude problem. But if that were the case, couldn't you then say that my Uncle Larry qualifies as a werewolf? Of course not. You don't even know him, how cruel are you?

Susie got up out of bed this morning, walking stiffly. "I slept wrong last night," she said. "Did you forget to close your eyes?" I asked. I'm pretty sure that's when the camel's back snapped in two.

I think it's neat how some religions force the women to wear veils in public because if you visit their countries and run up and snatch the veil off, who knows? It could be Valerie Bertinelli doing a movie or something. Wouldn't that just be something?

I know this guy whose nickname is Arrogance and guess what? He's not really arrogant. It's kind of like how you call a fat guy "Slim" and he beats the living daylights out of you. Except Arrogance has never beaten me up. But I know he's wanted to on many an occasion.

I have just finished the "Become a Certified Veterinarian in the Privacy of Your Home" mailing course, and now I'm thinking about doing experimental surgery on Muffy this afternoon. What I need to know from you is, do you know where I can borrow a hammer?

I once had a piece of wedding cake that actually had ham salad baked into the cake. Yes. it was as bad as it sounds

My friends laugh at me for my fear of using a hammer to drive a nail, but for me, I've always found that my car bumper seems to do the trick just fine.

Look up the word "conniving tramp" in the dictionary and you will find a picture of a prostitute I once knew who took my wallet after sleeping with me.

I wish baseball would go back to the old days when the scoreboard was changed by hand using big cards with numbers on them. I think it would put more people in this country to work because you need two people at least to keep up with the scores, plus a ton of people to tear down the present electronic scoreboards. I'm talking to you, Ted Turner. Do America proud.

A great trick for April Fools: loosen the screws on your co'workers chairs so when they come to work and plop their lazy butts into their chairs, the chairs fall off the spindle, sending the sitters flying every which way if the chair happens to have wheels. We did this to my boss's wife a few years back, and let me tell you ... she still walks funny to this day! She walks around with this huge limp saying "I'm going to sue you for everything you're worth!" and I just say "Oh go away, Festus. You're making me crazy."

I think a good mask for halloween would be a Don Rickles mask. He's crazy, that guy is!

I had a dessert at a party recently that was called death by chocolate. What I need to know is, if I die soon, can my wife sue the people that served it?

Ahhh. The light has turned green. Get the hell out of my way.

"Thanks just scared my son to death."
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Have you read these?

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