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8:13 a.m. - 2003-01-06


Have you ever gone into something, swearing to yourself that you're going to conduct yourself in one manner ... but when the time comes, you end up going in the total opposite direction?

You's say you finally land a date with someone you've had a crush on for years. You promise yourself that you're going to be good and respectable, but by the end of the date, you're plugging as many orifices you can on your body with raw vegetables solely for your date's perverted amusement.

So that's how I was Saturday morning.

Last week was spent arguing with the Mrs. over Saturday morning's big church meeting.

I'm kinda tired of the church asking so damned much out of me and my wife. As if we don't do enough for the church, they wanted us to show up Saturday morning for a five hour workshop to kick off 2003.

I told the wife clearly that I was NOT going. It's bad enough that we give more than 10% of our income to the church and that between us, we play several different roles within the church which suck up a lot of our free time. But I'll be DAMNED if I was going to spend FIVE F'N HOURS on a Saturday morning in church and told Susie that I would be skipping this "very important meeting" and staying at home to masturbate the dog or whatever else I could find to occupy my time.

She wasn't happy about this. And she showed her unhappiness by alternately yelling at me and not speaking to me all last week.

Soooo...Saturday morning I get up outta bed, shower, get dressed and prepare myself for this "very important five-hour-long meeting" in order to save my marriage.

The Mrs. is still snippy about it.

"When did YOU decide you were going?"


"Why didn't you SAY anything?"

"We weren't SPEAKING yesterday."

So the three of us pile in the van at 7 a.m. on a freakin' freezing Saturday morning to head to church for this big important meeting.

I had one goal in my mind that I stated quite clearly to Susie.

"I am NOT ... I repeat ... NOT ... going to join any groups, divisions or boards this year," I said. "I've been on the evangelism division for two years and I hate it. I'm taking a year off."

"That's fine," she said.

"They've already asked me to be on the evangelism division and I've already turned them down and told them I don't have time to do it," I reiterated.

"I know," she sighed, secretly wanted to backhand me. "I said that's fine."

We get to church and about 20 people are there. This may have been a big important meeting that everyone was supposed to attend...but only 20 people saw it that way.

THAT'S what irritates my ass. Only 20 percent of the church congregation does 80 percent of the work. And I'm SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of my wife and I being part of that 20 percent. We have a child. We have a new home. We have a dog on her last legs. We both have full time jobs as well as part time jobs.

Yet...we're at church an average of 8-10 hours a week. Because 80 percent of the congregation doesn't give a shit.

So anyway, we're sitting there and they're telling us all the "wonderful things that are happening with the church" which amounts to nothing.

They're looking for a new pastor...that's it.


How f'n wonderful.

I'm all slouched in my chair like a 15 year-old, trying to give off the vibe that I was dragged here kicking and screaming.

The moderator finally gets around to asking for volunteers for the various divisions of the church.

Who all wants to be in Christian Education?

Three people raise their hands.


Four people raise their hands.


Nobody raises their hand. I gulp.


Nobody. I sit there and pretend I can't hear what's going on while prodding my eardrum with a paper clip.



I slowly raise my hand up above my head.

The moderator smiles the smile that says "Dumbass" and writes my name on a sheet of paper.

He then asks "I take it you're going to CHAIR the evangelism division this year?"


Who do I look like?? Jerry F'n Falwell?!?

I stammered "I uhhhh....I don't want to chair the division. But I'll help out."

He countered "We need a chair for the division, and you're the only one who has volunteered to be on the division. Common sense would say that you'll have to be the chair of the division."'s the deal...

I'm a nice guy in real life. But when you compare me to the other church members, I'm probably the most morally repugnant character in the pews.

Bottom line ... I'm the LAST person in the church that you want being in charge of the division that makes major decisions on how we can get new members into the church. More than likely, my idea of "Free beer and hookers on Sunday morning" isn't going to fly with these people.

I sat there, trying to think of the best way I could get up, run out of the church and never come back. Well ... truth be told ... I was just trying to decide if I should do it while screaming or do it quietly.

Finally ... and I truly have no idea how this happened ... my mouth said "Fine. I'll chair the evangelism division."

The moderator smiled and said "God has called you to this task."

God didn't call me to do this task. I think if God has a brain, God would be the one saying "Oh....for my son's sake...whatever you morons do ... do NOT let that Uncle Bob character chair a division if you people know what's good for you."

It wasn't God who called me.

It was my guilty feelings that made me do it. If that's how God does things, then God should be ashamed of himself.

So now...I went from a guy who had no intentions of going to this meeting to walking out with one of the top ten most important positions of the church.

It is now my primary job to devise ways to get new visitors to the church and have them stay. To spend time with each visitor and befriend them. And to take care of all advertising, publications, and promotions to get the name of the church out there.


Just f'n great.

Something tells me that by the end of the year...somebody's getting a sharp stick to the eye over all this.

Soooo...I watched that "High School Reunion" show on the WB last night.

For those of you who are scratching themselves and either not understanding or not caring what I'm talking about ... it's a new reality show that has students from the class of 1992 from some Chicago high school converging on this major mansion in Hawaii for a two week ten-year reunion. Every one of these people are labelled with their personality from High School so that we at home are constantly aware of who is on screen..."The Nerd"..."The Popular Girl"..."The Player"..."The Bully"...."The Misfit"...."The Chubby Cheerleader"...."The Pervert Janitor"..."The Kid Who Ate His Boogers In Study Hall" ... "The Acne-Riddled Slut Whose Daddy Never Paid Enough Attention To Her" ... etc.

I can't really say it was a fascinating show, but it had its moments.

Two people get these "Hall Passes" which allow them to ask someone else out on a romantic date for the evening.

Who gets the passes?? "The Nerd" and "The Tall Girl".

Both of these people have harbored crushes on certain other students for the last ten years and decide to finally pursue their masturbatory fantasies ten years later.

The Nerd goes out with the popular girl. They seem to have a good time. The talk around the watercooler back at the mansion says that the Nerd has done well for himself over the last ten years and is now a millionaire, although the Nerd never actually confirms this to my knowledge.

The popular girl thinks he's all sweet and all ... but it's obvious that she's here for the next 14 days to land someone else rather than the class nerd.

Meanwhile, the Tall Girl asks the Player out. She keeps repeating .. over and over and over again...that by the end of these two weeks, the Player will recognize the Tall Girl as being his one true love and will ask her to marry him. She's convinced of this. At first I thought she was joking and just trying to make light of the situation. Nope...this gal has got some lofty goals here...she is going to walk away from all this as Mrs. Player 1992.

They go out on their date and the player's macking all over the Tall Girl's face. I don't think even she was ready for this guy to start tongue-wrestling her.

Then, as they ride back to the mansion, the Player's all "Understand this, Tall Girl. This was the first night of many. I'm sure that I'm going to be macking on someone else tomorrow night. So don't get all pissed off when you see me dry humping the chubby cheerleader tomorrow night."

Tall Girl is understandably pissed. This throws a monkey wrench into her plans of Lifetime Player Domination. Not to mention that it makes her look like a fool because she's already laid her cards on the table and told the Player she was all mad crushing on him for the last 12 or so years.

So she starts getting all Glenn "Fatal Attraction" Close on him, saying that he doesn't "understaaaaand" and that she's there with one goal and that's to win the Player's heart.

Player ain't playin' that.

Mainly because there's about half a dozen women in that house who are hotter than Tall Girl.

And he's the Player.

Players play, bay-bay.

So got kinda uncomfortable and ugly there.

...Which means I'll continue to watch this crap until the bitter end.

It also got me thinkin' about my own high school reunion....had I went to it.'s a sad fact....I missed both my 10 AND my 20 year reunion.'s been 22 years since I was in high school. If that doesn't make you feel old...nothing will short of a hip replacement.

Anyway...I've always had this mindset ...

If I wasn't attracted to you early on in life, I'm never going to be attracted to you.

That's just how I am. And from talking to other guys, it's a general opinion amongst most of us.

For instance...I've got a friend that lusted after a girl all through high school.

Fast forward ten years and the girl that he's lusted after has had a baby, almost doubled her body weight and is stuck in a loveless marriage with a loser husband.

So what's my buddy do?

...He bangs her something silly on the side when her hubby's away.

It doesn't matter that she's now in a position where she's not as attractive as she once was.

He still remembers the gal that he lusted after for several years and in his eyes and mind...she's still that girl.

I would have to think that if I was presented with the same scenario...I'd probably be the same way. Except I doubt I'd be humpin' away on the chick because...well...the church would frown on their Evangelism Chair and Deacon humpin' his high school crushes.

Consequently ... if there was an unattractive girl in my high school who really blossomed afterwards and turned into a Playboy crippled mindset would keep telling me " didn't like that girl then and she's still that same gal."

I'm not alone in this train of thought, ladies.

Lotsa guys have the same feelings.

So remember....first impressions are always the most important.

What you look like at your reunion won't amount to a hill of beans.

Either we liked you or we didn't.

And that's not going to change at the reunion.


Now that I've BUMMED EVERYONE OUT, it's time for me to get in the shower and get ready for work.

Susie's gone all week so it's me and Andrew, batching it up old school style.

Last night...frozen pizza for dinner.

Tonight...frozen pizza for dinner.

Tomorrow night...frozen pizza for dinner.


I'm a good daddy.

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