I CAN'T THINK OF A TITLE THIS MORNING. BLAME IT ON THE NYQUIL

Alright...first off ... my apologies for asking you guys to watch "The Surreal Life" last night and support me on my latest gig at Television Without Pity.

That was cruel and unusual punishment for each of you who did so.

As I said in my email to the powers that be for TWoP ... I've attended AA meetings that were more entertaining than that horseshit.

(Sidenote...I do think the word "horseshit" is my new favorite word. I wouldn't be surprised if I used it in every entry this week. I'm just sayin'...)

Anyway...maybe I have to watch the show again (and for those of you who missed it...it's on again Sunday night). But after watching it once last night, I can honestly say I was bored shitless throughout most of it.

Thank GAWD it's only on for six weeks.

So I stayed home with Andrew yesterday and as it turned out, I think I'm actually sicker than he is.

He was up and playing with his flash cards and being giddy at times.

Naturally, when he'd get too giddy, I'd dope him up with some more medicine which would take him down a couple of notches to my level of glumness.

We watched "The Big Lebowski" together. It's rare that I get to watch a movie with my son these days that doesn't include the words "Monsters" or "Inc." in the title, so I relished that one hour and 45 minutes.

I liked "Lebowski". It got a bit confusing for me toward the end, just like all the Coen brothers movies do. Other than that, it was one of the most finely acted movies I've seen in years, especially John Goodman. That guy doesn't get the credit he deserves for being a great actor. Probably because he's never played a dying gimp, which is what the Oscars look for when heaping kudos onto actors.

After that, we played Flash Cards for what seemed like six hours. I love my son and all, but sometimes I just want to shake him and say "I GET IT! YOU KNOW WHAT A DOG LOOKS LIKE! GOOD FOR YOU! NOW FUCKING SAYYYYY THE WORD!!"

I swear. I think I may have a little Rain Man on my hands.

Although he did say the word "water" the other night. We were brushing teeth before bed and he pointed at his little Monster's Inc. cup and said "wa-her".

Naturally, I danced a delerious jig in the bathroom that incorporated both parts of "Riverdance" as well as memorable segments of John Travolta's final dance competition from "Saturday Night Fever".

Andrew was all "What's the big deal? Just gimme some fuckin' water, Pops."

Susie finally came home last night although I barely saw her.

She got home about 7:40. She spent ten minutes hugging Andrew, nine seconds greeting me, then sat down with the mail.

At 7:59, she wanted to talk all about her week.

At 8:00, I had to watch "The Surreal Life" for an hour.

Sorry babe. It's WORK.

After that, she was trying to put Andrew down to sleep, I was tired from my cold so I excused myself to go to bed.

Maybe we'll talk tonight.

Maybe.

Hey.

Tell me something.

When did the E! channel become the Sleazy Shit channel?

Every night at 10 for the last few weeks, I've been watching Howard Stern.

I was a big fan of Howard's in the early 80s before he became huge. We were living in Jersey at the time and I'd listen to him on WNBC.

Now I watch him and he's the sleaziest fucker I've ever seen short of my in-laws.

Last night, he had these two dog-ugly sisters who enjoyed having sex with each other. These gals were strippers, although for the life of me, I know I'd run as fast as I could in the other direction when I saw them start to take their clothes off.

And Howard's all "Did your father molest you? Is that why you two have sex together?"

Then he prompts them to start kissing and spanking each other.

I honestly watch Howard to fall asleep. Usually by 10:15, I'm out like George Michael.

You can't hardly watch this stuff to get aroused. Everything's pixelated and it's just super sleazy.

And every commercial break features that damned "Girls Gone Wild" commercial with Snoop Dogg.

Who, by the way, I used to have some sort of respect for. I always thought Snoop was kinda the cartoon character of rap. He was high all the time which gave me the impression that he was just a laid-back goof.

Nope.

HE was on Howard the other night, talking about how he's an honest-to-God pimp. I thought all that pimp talk was just bravado. Nope. He has 12-13 girls working for him that give him all their money.

Then he tells Howard which gang he's affiliated with. It had a long name like "Eastside 38th Street Pimps Up Ho's Down Crips, Blips and Trips".

So he's an official gang member who has killed people and he exploits women and takes all their money.

Yeah.

I can't believe that they wouldn't include you in that latest Muppets movie either, Snoop.

And it's not just Howard either. There's some show called "Wild On" that I caught the last few minutes of the other night.

That looked to be raunchier than Howard's show.

Why is the E! channel trying to be Cinemax?

Here's a hint ... Cinemax shows softcore porn at night.

E! shows pixellated raunch.

It's much easier for someone to get in the mood watching Cinemax than E!.

That's my guess anyway.

Because I haven't "gotten in the mood" while watching something on TV since they took "The Golden Girls" off the air.

I spent over 90 minutes on the phone yesterday trying to get my internet up and running.

It was working fine yesterday morning until about 7:15.

Then ... just like clockwork... it went out.

So I called the local office.

I complained.

I told them that this was ludicrous. The guy thought I was talking about the rapper Ludicris and started humming some rap song while I talked.

Speaking of which...can anyone properly HUM a rap song?

Anyway...he told me to call tech support. I explained that the last time I called tech support, the guy was supposed to look into something and call me back in 15 minutes and never did.

He told me that was my only option. Since the rat bastard that hooked me up with the cable modem RIPPED my dial-up modem out of the hard drive, I can't cancel the service and go with a dial-up service. I'm screwed.

So I call tech support.

At least five times.

Each time, after being on hold for ten minutes, I'm disconnected.

Finally, late yesterday afternoon I get through.

Some guy...I sure wish I could remember his name because he's a God in my eyes.

He gave me a few steps to go through. Explained that there's something on MY machine that's keeping me from accessing the internet and then told me how to bypass the problem.

Now I'm hooked for the time being.

And I have the steps on how to reconnect if this happens again.

I'm in good spirits as far as my internet service goes this morning.

Then again...talk to me in about an hour and I may be whistling a different tune.

That's it.

I'm tired, the wife is up, and I've got to drag my congested ass to work.

Peace in and have a good weekend, chill'uns.