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5:33 a.m. - 2003-02-07


So in the employee bathroom where I work, there's two urinals.

(For the sake of clarity, I'm talking about the men's room. I have no idea what it looks like in the women's room, but there could always be two urinals in there too and I'd be none the wiser)

There's a regular urinal. And then there's like a junior urinal that's about a foot lower than the regular urinal.

We have about 25 people working in my office building. I've done a little spying lately and I feel pretty safe to say that there are a grand total of zero midgets amongst those 25 people.

Maybe at one time there was a midget working in the building. I bet his name was Chuck and everyone probably treated him really nicely, saying things like "Hey Chuck!" and "Yo, Chuck…what's up? You know...besides everyone else in the building! Ahahahaha! I'm just fuckin' wi' cha, Chuckie!"

But when those same people got behind closed doors, they probably said things like "Man, that Chuck is one crazy rat bastard dwarf!"

So anyway, I'm sure the other guys in the building were probably getting tired of lifting Chuck the Dwarf up and holding him while he peed in the normal urinal and more than likely started a petition to get Chuck his own urinal.

But … you know … Chuck the Dwarf is gone now and I think in his memory we should convert the midget urinal into a regular urinal.

I've started a petition around the office, but so far I'm the only one who's signed it because I'm not really confident on how to present the issue to my co-workers.

"Hi! Can I come in your office for a sec? Great! Look … I know you're female and all, but I get this strange feeling that we used to have a midget named Chuck that worked here a long time ago that everyone called Chuck the Dwarf and that he probably had a miniature bladder that couldn't hold a lot of urine especially when he came in to work hungover after drinking himself into a stupor the night before to try and forget that he was a lonely midget who had to be lifted up to pee in a normal men's room. And…well…I just got ahead of myself there. I just … I just wanted to see if you might sign this petition to tear down the midget urinal in the men's room."

I dunno. I think I need some other sort of angle in my petition to generate some urgency behind my actions.

"Oh holy hell….hurry up and sign this! There's a crazed demented midget in the bathroom threatening to kill himself unless we can get everyone to sign this petition!!!"

Okay, that wouldn't work.

I mean…who really cares if a looney dwarf is trying to off himself in the men's room?

Sometimes, when I eat a lot of Mexican food, it upsets my bowels.

I had a burrito for dinner last night.

I just felt the need to share that.

I had a dream last night that I had a bag of pot in my possession and I was giving little bits of it away to everyone who wanted some.

And it was all gone before I could smoke any of it.

What the hell?

As long as I'm sharing crazy shit with you guys, I thought I'd throw that one out there too.

After much deliberation and planning, Susie and I have come to a major decision in our life together.

We have decided to take Andrew to his first movie in the theater.

We've got two movie passes that we've had for over a year and they expire at the end of this month.

Last night we were watching TV and a commercial for "The Jungle Book 2" came on. It starts next Friday.

And since there's not a single soul outside of his normal daycare providers that I trust to watch Andrew for a few hours, we've decided to try and see if he'll sit still for a movie in a darkened theater.

I seriously doubt he'll last for more than a few minutes. Susie thinks the experience will be a wonderful one and that he'll love it.

The good thing is … taking him on opening night, it's not like it's going to be a quiet movie theater with several adult couples enjoying "The English Patient" or something.

It's Disney. It'll be a shitload of kids squealing and a shitload of parents taking the opportunity to catch a nap for 81 minutes.

Are there any experienced parents out there that can help me out? Is the age of 2 years and 3 months too early to take a kid to the theater and expect him to pay attention to a movie for that long?

Like I told Susie, if he gets fussy, we leave. It's not like we have to stay until the bitter end. We didn't pay for these tickets and plus…I think I'll probably be able to sleep without knowing how the film ends.

Former President Reagan turned 92 yesterday.

I hear he celebrated it by shitting himself and finger painting a duck.

Which, coincidentally, describes my two year-old son's day as well.

Does this mean my boy could someday be president??


Michael Jackson.

Michael Fucking Jackson.

What happened dude?

When I was a kid, I bought every Jackson 5 single that you released.

My 10th birthday, my mom bought me the "Ben" soundtrack. I cried when I heard you sing that love song to a rat.

...At least...that's what we were told back then ... "Ben" is a love song to a rat. Now we realize it was a love song to one of your little pre-pubescent friends ... Ben Dover.

Seriously Mike ... at what point in your life...what exact moment did you just shrug and say "Fuck it. I'm creeping the fuck out from here on out"??

Tatum O'Neal tried to fuck you when you were kids. You freaked the fuck out and ran.

Brooke Shields would have been happy to ride your spotted baloney pony. You freaked the fuck out and ran.

You hooked up with Lisa Marie Presley, but that chick's only slightly less bizarre than yourself.

Now you're content to steal babies from hospitals, bring them back to that freak show of a house of yours and raise them as if they were your own.

And you invite underprivileged kids to your pad and let them sleep with you in your bedroom....ahhh...but "only if their parents say it's alright".

Lemme get this're bringing welfare kids home with you and asking the parents if it's okay if the kid sleeps with you while they sleep in some shack on the premises. And you're shoving fistfuls of hundreds in their pockets while you ask. What crackheaded mama WOULDN'T say yes?

Honestly ... and since this has been a pretty hectic week as far as people dissing me and telling me I'm a fucking psycho already ... I think I'll go ahead, douse the fire with a bit more gasoline and speak my peace.

... I don't think Michael's actually abusing these kids.

I seriously think he has a problem with sex. He's so fucking backwards socially that he probably doesn't even know it's physically possible to have sex. I think he has a preference for young males, but I wouldn't call him a pedophile or even gay. I think he just likes little boys. He enjoys their company.

But dude...I was a 12 year old boy at one time. At 12, I had a BB gun and I'd go shoot birds and catch frogs and ride my tiny Suzuki 50 motorcycle.

I wasn't holding hands with a 44 year-old physical oddity on national television and putting my head on his shoulder for the whole world to see.

That's not saying that I WOULDN'T do it.

If I WERE 12 and dying of cancer and some eccentric millionaire invited me to his house and he had every video game ever created and a snowcone machine and a ferris wheel and a roller coaster and every damned thing a child could possibly want ... hell yeah ... I'd be all over him like stink on shit too.

I'd be holding his hand on TV, putting my head on his shoulder and cooing "Oh yes...I just LOVE me some Michael Jackson!"

You bet your ass I would. If that meant I could eat pizza and ride roller coasters all day.


I'd be down there, sucking his dick even if he fought it.

I'd be all like "No's cool. I've never done it before but it can't be rocket science. This is the least I could do for you letting me win at that snowboarding game for the last six hours. Now just lay back and relax, you freak. Yo ... you want me to finger your ass while I'm down here?"

Damned skippy.

I had no sense of pride and dignity at 12.

So there ya go. The man's a class A nutjob. He has no idea just how freaky he really is and that's the sad part.

But child molester?

He doesn't even know what the words mean.

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