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5:18 a.m. - 2003-03-18


(SCENE: A crowded saloon full of cowboys, pirates, scalawags and dancing girls. The drink is flowing and the cheer is good. A tall Texan, wearing a ten gallon hat is drinking an even taller beer at the bar and talking to a smaller man next to him.)

TEXAN: "I'll tell ya what, I don't fear no man on this here planet. I'm the fastest gun in the west, I am. I ..."

(A foreign man bumps into the Texan, forcing him to spill a few drops of his beer on the floor.)

TEXAN: "What the...? What seems to be your problem, Injun Joe?"

SADDAM HUSSEIN: "I'm dreadfully sorry. For I have been working the long day, in attempt to put finishing touches on my latest nuclear friend and am a bit tired. Please forgive of me."

TEXAN: "Ah can forgive you. But ah can NEVER forget. Now apologize, Injun."

SADDAM HUSSEIN: "But I already have apologized. Please let me be. I buy you another drink to make good."

TEXAN: "Ah don't lahk the way you look, Injun Joe. Somethin' about you looks funny. Do Ah know you from somewhere."

SADDAM HUSSEIN: (turning away)"I do not know of what you talk about. I will be leaving now."

TEXAN: "Wait just a dadburned minute! You're the man that shot my pa!"

SADDAM HUSSEIN: (trying to leave) " was an accident. I show off my new guns to Ahmed and Rachnid and it go off and nicked your pa. I'm dreadfully sorry. Now please, let me go."

TEXAN: "You ain't goin' nowhere, pilgrim. You shot my pa and now I've got to shoot you."

SADDAM HUSSEIN: "Please, it doesn't need to be like this. If you shoot me, your economy will go to hell and millions of your people will suffer because of it."

TEXAN: "HA! Like Ah care about them millions of people. They shoulda bought them an oil ranch while they had the chance like me! Tell ya what, Injun Pilgrim Joe ... Ah'm givin' you and your boys 72....wait...make that 48 hours to get the hell out of Dodge or I'm gonna hunt you down and kill you like a rabid squirrel with an attitude."

SADDAM: (mumbling) "Not if I shoot you first and take thousands of your people down with you, you ignorant shit."

TEXAN: "What was that?"

SADDAM: "Nothing. Nothing."

TEXAN: "That's what Ah thought. Now go round up those ornery young'uns of yours and hit the dust, pilgrim. I don't wanna see your face around here ever again. I've got to make my daddy proud and apparently being the most important man in town ain't doin' the trick."

SADDAM: You realize...48 hours isn't enough time. I've got pictures that need carefully wrapped for storage and pets to round up and find a good home for and it's ... it's simply not enough time."

TEXAN: "Tick, tick, tick, Injun Joe. The clock is ticking. Now somebody get me a dancing girl so I can relax!"

BARTENDER: "Natalie....get over here and entertain this here Texan!"

NATALIE THE DANCING GIRL: (whispering to Saddam) "Ah'm embarrassed to say that Ah'm from Texas too. But Ah sure don't feel the same way as Mr. Big Shot over there. So when you start shootin', try not to shoot in mah direction, okay there Injun Joe?"

SADDAM: "You have the wisdom of a thousand bulls, Dancing Girl. I shall not shoot you."

NATALIE THE DANCING GIRL: "Hot damn! Whoooo-hooooo!! Ah saved my big ass again!"

(Natalie begins dancing on the bar for the Texan's amusement. The Texan is sneering at Saddam, who's working as fast as he can to pick up his belongings including several missiles, bombs and chemical weapons.)

SADDAM: (sighing) "Would it be ask too much for next Sheriff to be not from Texas?"

(A writer from "Saturday Night Live" bursts into the scene)

WRITER: "Do you see? Do you fucking see? Ending these stupid damned sketches aren't as easy as you morons at home might think it is! That's why we just let them peter out to pitiful endings, you idiots!)

Thanks to those of you who suggested that I sell parts of my toy collection on Ebay even after I specifically said "I don't want to sell my toy collection on Ebay".

I checked the going price for a Dukes of Hazard game on Ebay .... it's three bucks.

I checked the going price for a Dukes of Hazard game in a yard's one dollar.

I checked the pros and cons of selling the game in a yard sale where I just drag it out into my driveway and wait for someone to buy it as compared to finding a box to mail the game in, taking it to the post office, putting up with the snickers from everyone in the building who are watching me box up an old board game on my lunch hour, not to mention the whole typing out the description of the game and taking a picture of it and waiting six days for someone to bid on it IF they're even going to bid on it.


Yard sale wins.

To the best of our knowledge, Andrew has yet to shit a dime.

He's shit $3.36 in quarters, nickels, pennies and Susan B. Anthony silver dollars.

But no dimes.

I guess if we're ever short on mortgage money, we can feed the kid prunes and then wait patiently.

You've heard of sperm banks.

He's my little shit bank.

In real life, I'm not a violent person.

But if I ever run up on Michael Essany, I think it'd be safe to say I'd hulk out and pop that kid a shiner or two.

He just rubs me the wrong way. No 19 year-old kid should be acting the way he acts which is like a mentally handicapped person trying to do Johnny Carson impressions.

I think I'd have more respect for him if he was out popping caps in people's asses for no real reason.

I'm hungry.

Time for breakfast.

I think I've caused enough trouble here for one day.

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Have you read these?

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That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

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