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5:21 a.m. - 2003-03-25


Okay yeah…I guess I forgot to tell you guys about Susie quitting her job.

It's really pretty anti-climactic. So sorry. Then again, I wasn't there and my wife failed Embellishment 101 , so here ya go:

She went in to his office and handed him the resignation letter and told him she had found another job. He looked at the letter and said "Good for you" and asked who the job was with. She told him and he said that he had always heard it was a great company to work for. He asked about the position and Susie told him she'd be the head of the department and it was a healthy pay raise. He congratulated her and assured her she'd do a good job for the company.

A few hours later, he poked his head in her office and told her that she may not realize it, but a lot of people around there are going to really miss her. And that it was probably the people that she didn't think would miss her would actually miss her the most.

I guess that's a backhanded compliment saying that he would be missing her.

Well duh, you dumbass. Now you've got to hurry up and learn what your job's all about because my wife won't be around to do everything for you, you human boil.

So I took Susie's car to the shop yesterday to get all the dents repaired that she has managed to accumulate since she made the decision to start being an incredibly shitty driver.

I had my boy Edweird pick me up at the body shop to take me to work. I was kinda bummed because of I was staring a whole week of us using one car when we work about 20-25 miles away from each other in the face.

Susie called me about 11 a.m. and told me that she had just found out that our insurance allows us to get a rental car free of charge while our car is in the shop.


So now I'm cruising around town in a 2003 Toyota Camry LE.

I love rental cars.

More specifically, I love urinating in rental cars. Even more specifically … in the glove compartment and the little area between the two front seats.

Ahhhh…rental cars. My own portable urinal.

So I'm driving home last night and thinking "Crap. When I get home, it's going to be full of in-laws."

Because Grandma's watching Andrew and she invited the nephews over and since they're not of driving age yet, their parents would be around as well.

But I got home and nobody was here.

Ahhhh...Grandma had to take Andrew to meet Mama to go to Kindermusik. And she must have taken the nephews, Pervy and Sissy Boy with her.

So, it was time to do some snooping and spying.

I logged on to Internet Explorer and checked the history.

Just as I thought.

Hanky Panky College was on the history list.

Now, in Pervy's defense, he didn't go past the opening "warning" page. He clicked on it, saw that it was an adult page and that he shouldn't be there, and clicked away from it.

But still...the fact that he even went to the trouble of TRYING to look up porn in the same house as my son and his grandmother infuriated me.

I walked around the house, planning my speech for when everyone came home.

I was going to come right out and say it ... I'm very uncomfortable with Pervy being around my son. Granted, he's looking up straight sex sites and not little boy sites...but still...he's a perv who cannot help himself when it comes to looking up porn on our computer.

I decided that I was going to make him sit outside for the rest of the evening and that when his father came to pick him up at 9:00, I was going to tell him that I no longer wanted his son in my house. Not escorted, not unescorted. Not at family reunions, not when he was 21, not even when he had a family of his own and had become an elder in a church and had renounced his pornographic ways.

Never ever ever again.

So Susie beats Grandma and the nephews home.

"How was your day?" she asked.

"It was okay," I sighed before I decided to drop the bomb. "Pervy was looking up porn here again today."

"Pervy wasn't HERE today," she said. "They were supposed to come over and didn't."


Soooo...if Pervy didn't come over....who was looking up Hanky Panky College on the web?

I'm no Sherlock Holmes ... but I'll give this a shot.

Andrew didn't do it. Andrew can bang on the keys until his fingers bleed, but I doubt he'd be able to tap out an actual web address.

That leaves ..... ewwwwwww.

My mother-in-ewwwwwwwww.

My mother-in-la ... ewwwwwww.

That leaves my mother-in-law.

Say it with me here.


Grandma is searching for porn on my computer.

I've caught her son doing it.

I've caught her grandsons doing it.

And now...lo and behold ... I've caught my mother-in-law surfing for porn.

Maybe she just accidently clicked on a link on one of her liberal webpages and it took her there and she immediately closed the page.

I'm thinking that was it.

I'm HOPING that was it.

Maybe she thought it said "Hokey Pokey College" and since she used to do the Hokey Pokey when she was a little girl she thought she'd click the link and see what kind of college taught the Hokey Pokey.


That's it.

That's all it was.

An innocent mistake.


I could password protect the computer ... but then Grandma is offended because she surfs the web while Andrew takes his nap and if I were to password protect it, she might freak out and leave Andrew to fend for himself at the house while she drives back home, fuming.

I'll tell you one thing...Granny's getting kicked out of the computer chair when I get home and the history is being checked whether she's in front of the computer or not.


I married into a family o' pervs.

And my wife is the only one who's straight-laced.

Poor, poor me.

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