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6:00 a.m. - 2003-04-02


Usually, I'm not the type of person to swear revenge on inanimate objects.

But if the snack machine at work takes my money one more freakin' time, I'm taking it out back and we're gonna rumble.

This all started when I first started at the office.

I remember it like it was yesterday ... the golden wrapper of a Twix bar beckoned my attention.

"Hey, fat guy," it called. "Check me out in all my Twixness glory!"

"Don't talk to me, Twixy," I sneered. "You know I've got my eyes on the pork rinds."

"Oh come on, Tubby," it said in a sing-song voice. "You know you want me. You want my chocolatey goodness all over your tongue. You want my crunchy cookie insides filling up your insides. You want..."

I plugged 55 cents into the machine and hit the corresponding buttons to release the Twix bar from its position high up in the snack machine.

You know...just to shut the little bitch bar up.

The rotating corkscrew that holds all the snacks upright began twisting and turning, pushing the Twix bar forward slowly.

Then, like the hands of time on an old man's deathbed ... it stopped.

...Leaving the Twix bar teetering on the edge of its ledge.

Mocking me.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!" the Twix bar laughed. "You fat stupid bastard! That's what you get for being a glutton!"

I would have shaken the machine like the big assed bitch I am, but there's clearly a diagram on the front window of the machine that details the machine falling and crushing someone with the warning "Do NOT shake the machine".


So I'm just supposed to give the machine my money, not get anything in return and be happy about it?

I walked away from the machine that day, vowing to never forget the injustice this tool of Satan had bestowed upon me.

...You know. Until yesterday.

Yesterday, I was starving.

And the snack machine was more than willing to accommodate my hunger pangs.

Specifically, a white snack cake appropriately titled "Snack Cake".

I stood in front of the machine, temporarily forgetting about that Twix Bar from days past, hypnotized and mesmerized by all the colorful wrappers like a child in the doorway of a Toys 'R' Us.

Naturally, I was leaning toward the pork rinds. Low fat, low carbs, low nutritional value.

But Snack Cake had different plans.

"Hey," it said to me.

"I'm not listening to you and all your creamy goodness," I said curtly. "Captain Porkrind spoke up first and is dying to be eaten."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Snack Cake said. "No problem. Eat the pork rinds. I just wanted to tell you ... you're really looking slender these days."

"Really?" I asked, beaming.

"Yeah," Snack Cake said. "Are those new khakis? They seem to fit so perfectly on you."

"These old things??" I giggled, while twirling in a circle in front of the snack machine. "No, I've had these a while."

"Whatever it is, you're really looking good," Snackie said. "Hey. Enjoy those pork rinds, dude."

I put my money in and hesitated before hitting the buttons for the pork rinds.

The Snack Cake seemed to be genuine in its thoughts.

And honestly, I did feel a little lighter. Maybe it was Snack Cake's positive words or maybe it was the khakis, but I felt as if maybe I could bypass the pork rinds and pick Snack Cake instead.

I mean...seriously ... when was the last time I got a compliment from the pork rinds? The pork rinds are dull and they know it. They just sit up in the corner of the snack machine and to the best of my knowledge, have never said anything to me to gain my support.

I smiled at Snack Cake.

Snack Cake blushed and gave me a little smile back.

I put the extra 15 cents into the machine and punched the buttons to allow Snack Cake to escape its metal home and be cuddled in my arms.

The corkscrew turned slowly and stopped.

Snack Cake didn't drop from its perch.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!" Snack Cake bellowed. "You fat stupid fuck!! When are you ever going to learn, you feeble-minded dickgobbler? WE HATE YOU AND DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN AND SAVORED IN YOUR ESOPHAGUS!!"

I was so steamed that I kicked the machine.

The machine just stood there quietly.

But I could tell.

I could telllllll.

It was snickering at me too.

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