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5:16 a.m. - 2003-04-03


I didn't sleep well last night.

Meaning ... I couldn't sleep at all last night.

(Doo, doo, doo doo doo)

Just a'thinkin' 'bout you.

(Doo, doo, doo doo doo)

Baby, things weren't right.

(Doo, doo, doo doo doo)

'Cause I was Tossin' and Turnin', Turnin' and Tossin', a'tossin' and turnin' all night.

It's pretty pathetic when I'm using the lyrics of obscure '50's songs to make up my entries here, huh? long do you think it'll be before we get to see the movie version of Jessica Lynch's dramatic rescue from a bombed-out hospital in Iraq?

Three months?!?


You're one cynical bastard/bitch!

Seriously ... I think I slept a total of ten minutes last night.

I apparently ate some bad pork yesterday.

Thankfully ... it didn't come from a snack machine.

I fixed Italian Sausage sandwiches for dinner last night and I'm not sure the sausage was cooked all the way through.

I'm sure that you're dangling on the edge of your seat, wondering just how I can be sure of this.

I'll tell ya what.

I'll schedule you an appointment to meet with my bowels.

Maybe THAT will convince you. there anybody out there still watching this "Fraternity Life" crappage??

I mean...I HAVE to watch it. I've committed to watching it. I get paid to watch it.

But I cannot possibly imagine anyone watching it for entertainment.

Last night's show left me spitting mad at MTV.

(Do people still get "spitting mad" anymore?)

For those of you who didn't see it (HA!), it follows "Sorority Life" which is a reality show following these girls who are pledging a sorority. The sorority in question is located down the street from the Fraternity in "Fraternity Life".

Anyway...the sorority and fraternity decided to pull a prank on each other that wound up being a full-scale war between the two little social clubs, resulting in the boys EGGING the girls' house and the girls pelting the boys' house with used tampons.

I shit you not.

I'm losing quality time with my son to watch this horseshit.

It's not even amusing. It's on the same level as breaking your hip in a motorcycle accident. You'd laugh the same at both incidents equally.

This is one of the few shows that makes me angry and resentful. I hate 90% of the people on the show with a blinding passion.

I can't WAIT until "Surreal Life 2" starts.

Now that....THAT was a show, my friend.

Keep an eye on this space.

I know on Monday I said I had a bombshell or two to drop on your pudgy asses this week, and then I went and pulled a stunt on Tuesday that kinda made you think that I was kidding about the bombshell.

I wasn't.

I still have a bombshell.

When the time is right I will announce it.

I'm hoping against hope that tomorrow the time will be right.

Now...don't think this bombshell will affect you in any way.

It won't.

It will affect this diary somewhat.

And affect me a whole lot.

So technically, this bombshell?

...It won't be a bombshell to you.

Just me.

But still.

I've got to add some semblance of drama to this pathetic excuse of a diary any way I can.

Are you looking as forward to the time change this weekend as I am?

I mean ... sure...we lose that hour of sleep that everyone's always bitching about.

But do as I do and you won't lose that hour of sleep.

I go to bed about 10 or so.

Get up at about 5 or so.

Here's what I do ... I DON'T set my clocks ahead before I go to bed on with me so far?

I get up at 5, even though it's really 6.

I set my clocks ahead around 8 a.m. or so.

So this way, I lose an hour of AWAKE time.


Pretty ingenius, huh?

To make it better, I schedule a shitload of nasty chores between 8 and 9 a.m. Like cleaning toilets, washing the (late) dog's ass, and scrubbing the semen stains off my bedsheets.

Then, at 8 a.m., the first thing I do is set the clocks ahead an hour.

It's then 9 a.m.

No time for semen scrubbing!!!



Then I'm not Mr. Grouch like a lot of people!

Y'see kids...there's lots of ways to turn a negative into a positive.

You just have to be creative.

...And somewhat retarded.

Alright...I've got a "Fraternity Life" episode to recap.

If everyone can just please do me a favor and step aside so I can waddle my fat ass out of here, I'd appreciate it.


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