MY NEW AND IMPROVED WEEKEND ... NOW WITH 10% MORE SEX!

FRIDAY

I don't remember much about Friday.

It's the exact opposite of that Sarah McLaughlin (sp?) song "I Will Remember You".

I don't even know if Sarah did that song.

It might have been Ani DeJewel Toriamos.

One of those sensitive female singers that's just like the other.

Anyway, I don't remember shit about Friday. And it's not because I'm back on the drugs and alcohol either. It was a massively sober weekend. It's just that the day itself was boring as all get out.

But Friday night we went to this Relay For Life shindig for the American Cancer Society. That was pretty fun.

I had always heard that it was a bunch of cancer survivors walking around a track for 12 hours and was a very somber and moving experience.

I dunno about you, but that sounds about as much fun as cancer itself. My Mom's had about every form of cancer under the sun. She's like one big cancer cell wrapped up in wrinkly skin.

So to be surrounded by several hundred people like my Mom walking around a track slowly ... well ... let's just say I can think of better ways to spend my Friday evening.

But in the last few years, this somber walk has turned into a celebration of sorts.

Now there's hundreds of cancer-free people there who are grilling out and drinking and groping each other and and and ... they have stuff for kids there too!

So we went and had a good time. Andrew got in his first Moonwalk and promptly sat down and let the kids jump around him like hyperactive chimps while he laughed hysterically.

He wanted to get on the big kid stuff that he is in no way ready to tackle. I could imagine the big kids tossing him out of the way as they climbed up these huge inflatable slides and watching in horror as my son was flung from three stories in the air onto the ground.

He finally got to meet one of his heroes ... Ronald McDonald. He got down out of my arms and toddled straight over to the goofy clown.

Now...luckily for Andrew, his daddy knows Ronald McDonald personally. I've worked on projects with the guy who puts on the greasepaint several times in the past. So I've got an "in" for the kid.

Which means ... I was fortunate enough to snap a picture of Andrew and Ronald.

Except, when it came to picture time...Andrew wanted NOTHING to do with Ronald and clung to his Mama like a life jacket on the Titanic.

We let him run around and play until about 9 p.m. when we could tell he was getting tired because he was getting silly.

When Andrew gets silly, he starts doing impressions of Dick Cheney in a laundromat dryer. It's his idea of "silly" but that's when we know it's time to leave.

Got him in the car, drove a block and he was out like a light.

SATURDAY

Another boring day.

Went to Walmart to get groceries.

Stopped at the neighborhood butcher to get some thick-assed steaks for Mother's Day.

Got home and took naps.

Went to Edweird's "surprise" birthday party.

The party started off a surprise that his wife was throwing him.

Since it was a surprise, nobody was talking about it around Edweird.

Edweird, sensing that his birthday may pass with nobody even noticing, took matters into his own hands and planned his own birthday party, even though there was one already being thrown.

Except Edweird's "party" was taking place at 8 p.m. while his wife's "party" was taking place at 4 p.m.

So Edweird invited everyone that was already invited to the first party to the second party.

This created mass confusion for those of us who had already been invited to the party. When do we show up?

Wendigo finally called Edweird's wife and said "What are we supposed to do? You've invited us to a party and now Edweird's invited us to his own party four hours later?"

Mrs. Edweird said to just come at 4 and even though it has now lost a lot of its luster, we would make THAT the surprise.

So she sent him out for soft drinks and we all showed up while he was out.

He walks in and we're all sitting around the living room. A few of us said "Surprise!"

Naturally, the parking lot full of cars in front of their house probably tipped him off that we were already there.

So the surprise part kinda sucked, but the party was fun.

Got to see some people from our last workplace. The poor bastards. Sounds like the company is on its last legs, as paychecks are coming up on being two weeks late. There's no money to pay the employees.

More than likely, a large chunk of employees are going to be laid off this week. And by "large chunk", I mean "all of them".

So Edweird and I got out just in the nick of time.

I knew when the new CEO came on board in September and told everyone that he was a "gambler" that it was just a matter of time before the company folded.

And he meant "gambler" in every sense of the word. He's gambled with the direction of the company, wanting to take the focus off of coffee table books and shift it more toward books on zoos and regional cookbooks.

Plus, he likes to pull all-nighters at the blackjack table until he's completely out of money.

So he's a compulsive gambler who knows next to nothing about the publishing business and he's being asked to run a publishing company.

Waiter! Check please!

The employees that showed up at the party seemed optimistic about the company and its future, but they were also wolfing down as much food as possible because this was probably the last time they'd eat for a few days.

But it was good seeing them.

Depressing.

But good.

SUNDAY

Mother's Day.

Susie got two gift certificates for two hour-long massages at her favorite spa.

Plus, in my infinite kindness, I got her an extra gift certificate to give to her mother, so that they could have a mother-daughter day at the spa.

Aren't I thoughtful?

Stupid. But thoughtful??

Susie wanted to go to a new church for Mother's Day, so we went to a Baptist church nearby that a lot of our neighbors go to.

It was huge compared to our previous church. Our previous church held 150 people. This one holds 900.

They had huge video screens on either side of the pulpit.

They had a full blown band with drums, guitars, bass, synthesizer, background singer, horn section, etc.

Hell...they had flashpots and pyrotechnics!!

The minister came up out of the floor on a riser, surrounded in dry ice!!

It was like a KISS concert!!

I was on my chair, lighting a lighter and screaming "WHOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!"

There was clapping and singing and dancing and break-dancing and skipping and frolicing and finger painting and coveting neighbor's wives and everything!

I thought Susie would love it.

She thought I would hate it.

But it was the exact opposite. I loved it, Susie wasn't impressed.

I felt bad putting Andrew in the nursery. He did okay when we got there, but when we went to pick him up after the service, one of the ladies was holding him as he sobbed.

She said he had "just started" crying. Which is church nursery speak for "Your kid has been crying steadily for the last hour, but we're not allowed to freak you out by telling you this because then you'll feel bad for your kid and won't come back, so if we tell you he just started, you'll think 'Gee...Andrew liked it! Now we can go back' when it's probably not a good idea to do so."

We went home, ate lunch....aaaaand napped.

By "nap", I mean "had some pretty weak sex and passed out afterwards".

Got up and watched my downloaded-off-the-internet copy of Rob Zombie's "House of 1,000 Corpses".

It's okay that I downloaded it because our city never booked the film to play in one of our umpteen zillion theaters because we are a town full of cheerful, dancing Baptists who cannot allow a film with the word "Corpses" in the title to grace our theaters because then it will turn us into a city full of pornography-addicted necrophiliacs. Because the power of celluloid can do that to a city full of mindless chipmunks.

The movie was weird. Of course, it's hard to watch when the film is shrunk to the size of a postage stamp, but from what I could see ... it was weird.

Then I grilled the steaks in the garage because those wicked storms moved into the area just as I was getting ready to cook outside.

Watched "Survivor" and was SHOCKED by the outcome.

That's the first time that the person who won completely surprised me. Never in my wildest dreams did I see that coming.

Went to bed.

MONDAY

Got up.

Wrote this.

Now it's time to shower.