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6:22 a.m. - 2003-06-12


So you’re sitting there at your computer and you’re thinking to yourself ... “Gee. If only I could win some tickets to go see Ozzy Osbourne and Ozzfest this summer ... THEN my life would be complete!”


Am I right?!?

I mean...I think I know my readers by now. I’ve been doing this for three and a half years, practically non-stop. I think I’ve got a handle on you guys.

So you’re sitting there, all mopey because Ozzfest is basically selling out quicker than Jewel and I’m not talking about her concerts, kids.

What’s an Uncle Bob reader to do?

Well ... you do exactly what I asked you to do last summer.

You go see my buddies, The Spicolis.

That’s right, the #1 Party Band in the Land are once again working along with Jagermeister to provide tickets to Ozzfest this year.’re thinking to yourself “No way will I win tickets to Ozzfest through Uncle Bob and the Spicolis!”

Last summer, 4-5 readers won tickets to the show through this website. It’s no stinking lie, kids. People REALLY WIN on Uncle Bob’s Diary of Chuckles.

Here’s what you do, broken down into easy-to-understand rules.

1) You go to the Spicolis website.

2) At the top of the site, you’ll see a banner that says “Win! Win! Win! Tickets to Ozzfest!” It shouldn’t be too hard to looks like something the devil would have created if he knew HTML.

3) You click on that banner and you enter the info and then sit back and wait for your stinking tickets.

4) If you are under the age of 21, you go and enjoy the concert when your tickets arrive in the mail.

5) If you are between the ages of 21-30, you sell the tickets for $50 apiece and go buy a gram of cocaine and watch “Touched By An Angel” reruns with the volume cranked as loud as it will go.

6) If you are between the ages of 30-40, you give the tickets to that hot young teenager that lives a few doors down from you in exchange for a lil’ “sumpin’ sumpin’” to be cashed in at a later date.

7) If you are over the age of 40, you give the tickets to your kids, change the locks on the doors while they’re at the concert and pretend to have moved when they come home from the concert.

8) You write a quick email to your dear sweet Uncle Bob and tell him that he is the God of getting you tickets. He IS the Ticketmaster.

Okay...seriously...even if you don’t want the tickets, please go register.

Because every time someone registers for tickets via the Spicolis’ website, it helps the Spicolis out in their own little contest.

And the Spicolis are dear, sweet friends of mine.

Many of you know that Mattie Gee and I (the third guy from the left) are neighbors and have been old pals for the last ten years.

But some of you may wonder what I mean by “neighbors”.

If you look real closely .... you can see Mattie Gee’s wife Cate dancing naked and seductively in their den windows.

She does this for me every morning at 6:30 a.m.

I’m talking NEIGHBORS, bucko.

Christ...I have no idea what I’m talking about here.

But if you do this for me...FOR ME...and go register for Ozzy tickets, it helps my neighbor and his band of rock and roll degenerates win a special fantastic prize from Jagermeister.

Last year it was a Jagermeister guitar.

This year ... it’s something even more special.

The chance to appear in Ruben Studdard’s upcoming video “I Can’t Stop Sweating, I Think I’m Dying Over Here”.

Or something. it for me and it would be most appreciative.

Even if you don’t want the tickets, do it. If you win the tickets, you can give them away or sell them for top dollar. Ozzy may be old and have Parkinson’s Disease, but the kids still love him and will come off the duckies to buy your tickets.

I thank you.

Mattie Gee thanks you.

The Spicolis thank you.

But most importantly ... this fat kid showering on the beach thanks you.

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