BREAKFAST WITH FRANKENSTEIN

My sunburn is already peeling.

It's as if my skin is saying "Dude...it's too damned hot on your body. We're outta here."

I look and feel like a charred leper.

Except for under my right arm. My whole side there is still lobster-red and painful to the touch.

I'm hoping it goes away soon. I can barely move my arm. It hurts to steer the car and put on my seatbelt.

It hurts!

All pity me.

According to my calculations, only about 10% of you registered for tickets for Ozzfest yesterday through the Spicolis website, which you can access by clicking on this lovely photograph.

Click on the photo, go to the banner at the top of that page saying "Win Win Win" and sign up.

I'm telling you ... last year there was hardly ANYONE that entered this contest, other than people who went there via this site.

So we had lots of winners here.

I'm not GUARANTEEING that you'll win.

But I'd be UTTERLY SHOCKED if you didn't.

Okay.

I wouldn't really be shocked.

But your chances are good.

And you're helping a buddy out.

So do it, dammit.

And if you live in California or Tennessee where the contest is void, just make up a state.

"Albornio"

"Calitennessee"

I mean, c'mon! It's Ozzy, people!

Don't you think if you wrote Calitennessee on the form, Ozzy would just say "Where the fuck is that, Sharon?", shrug his shoulders and stagger off into a dark corner?

UNCLE BOB'S FRIDAY FIVE

1) What are you doing?

Sitting here semi-naked, updating my diary.

2) Why?

I dunno. Habit?

3) No. Why are you semi-naked?

I'm in my boxers. My sunburn dictates that I feel better without a shirt on.

4) Would you mind if we just made this a Friday Four?

Cool with me.

Yesterday I was driving down the interstate to work.

I got behind a guy who started weaving in and out of his lane.

About half a mile later, his right rear tire exploded.

It just fell apart, leaving smoking rubber all over the road.

Meanwhile, he was fighting to control the car which was going all over the road, threatening to spin out of control.

Finally, he got control of the car and managed to maneuver it to the side of the road.

As this happened, one thing kept running through my mind.

"Cool! Do that again!"

Found out yesterday that I'm going to be going to Huntsville, Alabama next month for a Governor's Conference.

I'm staying in a tres swanky Hilton Hotel downtown.

And I've got to get a tuxedo for a swanky ball.

Maybe I can stop in Birmingham on the way and get Ruben's tailor to make me a tux.

I haven't worn a tux since my wedding and I had about 17 people helping me with that.

If I have to get ready in the privacy of my own swanky hotel room, something tells me that me in a tux will look like a walking scrambled puzzle.

Unlike this past weekend's retreat, this one sounds like it's chock full of seminars and meetings.

Ugh.

I like it better when there's seminars in the morning and you can go lay on the beach the rest of the day and get so horribly sunburned that your child recoils in horror every time he sees you for the next several days.

Speaking of the boy ... he's doing great in daycare now.

He whimpers a bit when he's dropped off, but the teacher says he's really adjusted well this week and has become a good kid after all.

Thanks to those of you who suggested my child was being abused his first week of daycare.

But no abuse was going on. His daycare is generally regarded as the best in town, it takes place in a respected church and just like most two year-olds, he doesn't like drastic changes in his daily schedule.

When we left him in a strange place with new people and new kids, taking him away from the safety and security of his former daycare ... he reacted appropriately.

Now he's fine.

No foreign anal probes. No beating for crying.

Fine.

And now...finally...

ASK A FAT KID TAKING A SHOWER AT THE BEACH

Dear Fat Kid Taking A Shower At The Beach,

How much sun should a person receive in one day in order to change their skin tone but not risk permanent skin damage?

Sincerely,

Concerned Sun God

Dear Sun God,

About two hours less than Uncle Bob would tell you! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Das Fat Kid

I ordered my dad a gift from the web for Father's Day.

I signed him up for a membership to the BBQ Sauce of the Month.

He loves BBQ sauces and I'm just so damned proud that I found this site and got him signed up.

While my sisters get him shirts and socks, I got him the present that he'll love and receive more of each and every month.

Go me!

No seriously ... go me!

Now!!