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5:36 a.m. - 2003-06-18


Throughout my 41 years on this earth, there has always been one thing that I've been most proud of that has remained a constant in my life.

I, Uncle Bob, have never tasted a dick.

Not that I have anything against the cocksuckers of the world.

Nay, I dare estimate that about 75% of my readers gobble the pee-pee on a semi-regular basis. And I say "More power to you!" as I thrust my fist in the air in a display of mock unity.

But personally, having the head of a penis rubbed seductively across my lips has never made my list of "1,000,000 Fun Things To Do On A Boring Tuesday Evening".

This negligence to join the "hip" crowd of peter-snuffers has always been something I felt I could wear as an imaginary badge of honor.

...Until last night.

So I'm sitting in my recliner, watching the debut episode of "I'm With Busey" on Comedy Central which wasn't nearly as funny as I thought it'd be.

Susie's making her S0uthern L!ving calls because she swears if she keeps making these calls, one day we'll be millionaires.

And Andrew is running around the house at full speed, wearing himself out before bedtime.

Andrew is also enjoying "Naked Time" which is something he apparently loves. He needs assistance removing his shirt, but he can yank those shorts down and rip that diaper off with the greatest of ease. At that point, he begins running around the house at breakneck speeds, enjoying the breeze on his naked toddler body.

So I'm sitting there and Andrew bursts into the room.

"Hey Naked Boy!" I greet him.

He smiles and climbs his naked self into my lap.

I'll be honest ... up until Andrew, I never held a naked male in my arms with glee.

And other than Andrew, I have no real desire to hold another naked male close to me.

But when it's your own naked two year-old son in your arms, you don't seem to mind.

It's like holding your recently deceased pet.

It's not something you've always thought about in the back of your mind ... "Gee ... I sure wish I could hug a dead dog!"

But when your dog dies and you're holding it for the last time, you don't really think "Man! I'm holding a dead dog! This is disgusting!"

You think "I love this dead dog and will always love this dead dog and don't care what people say about me like 'Oh, here comes the Dead Dog Lover' or things like that."

Same with holding your naked child. It's natural and not creepy.

So anyway, he climbs up into my lap and gives me a hug.

No big deal. I've got baby penis pressing against my chest. I'll live.

He pulls back from the hug, grins and squeezes my cheeks together. This is his latest game with me. He squeezes my cheeks together and I make a funny face as if my face is made of clay and he's molding it. This cracks him up and he could do it for hours.

Unfortunately, I have maybe four funny faces that I can do so it gets fairly repetitious quickly.

So he's squeezing my face and laughing.

Then he decides to climb further up Daddy.

I'm thinking "He wants to sit on my shoulders".

He sometimes does this when I'm sitting down. He'll climb all the way up my body, sit on my shoulders and then slide down my chest, shouting "Wheeeee!"

No biggie. It's my son.

So I'm watching "Busey", Andrew's climbing up my chest and I take my eyes off the TV for just a second and look up at Andrew's face.

He's got his hands on top of my head, his feet on my chest and a huge smile on his face.

And then it happened.

His hips thrusted quicker than lightning.

And his baby penis (which, by the way, I'm not bragging...but my kid's hung like a mule. I have high aspirations that he'll be a porn star someday) grazes my mouth.

My jaw clenches tighter than a worm's ass as I feel his fleshy little knob touch my lips.

I grab Andrew under the arms and pry him off my head.

"SUSAAAAAN!!!" I yell.

"I'm on the phone!" she yells back.

"Get OFF the phone!" I yell.

I get out of the recliner and march out of my office as I'm holding Andrew at arm's length and he's giggling away at his little joke on Daddy.

"What?!" she says, coming out of the bedroom.

"Andrew put his penis on my mouth," I said.

"No he didn't," she said.

(For the record, she said "No he didn't" as if she was in denial. She did NOT say "No he di'int!" like she was a ghetto whore on Jerry Springer)

"Yes he did," I said firmly, trying desperately not to even think of the moment that I had successfully avoided for the last 41 years.

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?" she asked.

I wasn't sure.

I mean ... I love the kid. So burying him alive in the backyard was pretty much out of the question.

I guess a firm talk about the birds and the bees would probably fly right over his little blonde head at this point.

And even though my grandfather used to say that the best way to keep a kid from doing something he shouldn't do was to burn him with the lit end of a cigarette every time he does it, neither one of us smokes.

My neighbors do and hindsight being 20/20, I guess I could have went over there at 9:30 last night and bummed a cigarette off them. But you're supposed to burn the kid IMMEDIATELY after they do it. At this point, he wouldn't really understand what he was being burned for, so really ... it wasn't worth the effort.

I finally came up with the proper solution.

"Put some jammies on him," I said. "Naked Time is officially over for the evening. When you abuse Naked Time, you lose all privileges of being naked."

Susie took Andrew out of my arms and went to put some jammies on him.

But not before he looked at me and gave me one more devilish grin that made my blood run cold.

We shared a bond now.

He had violated Daddy's mouth and tarnished his badge of honor.

Things will never be the same between us again.

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