FOOT MEET ASS...KICK AWAY

Alright...first off you guys and gals kick all KINDS of ass with your Mellow 15 suggestions.

But I've got to beg here....NO MORE!!

I've gone to every website and copied every list of songs and now have a word document that's longer than my penis (yes, I'm still seven years old).

I have no idea when I'm going to download all these tunes, but I'm going to get started as soon as I finish up this rigamarole.

There were so many awesome tunes suggested that I haven't heard in years as well as lots of bands and artists that I've heard of but didn't quite know what to download that would best represent their mellow side.

If you're like me and looking for some new music to download, by all means...peruse the lists that people have provided us.

And thanks again to everyone who participated.

Ass has been sufficiently kicked in this department and I appreciate it so much.

I need to get the new Liz Phair disc today.

I wanted to get it yesterday, but didn't have time.

The songs I've heard from that ... they're pop alright, unlike her earlier stuff. I don't think she's selling out, she's just expanding her audience.

But if you like Avril Lavigne, give Liz Phair's latest a spin.

Plus...the gal is just so damned sexy.

I'm not the type to fawn over the looks of celebrities, but I could spend a week in bed with Liz Phair with no complaints except for the inevitable bedsores.

I was in meetings for six hours yesterday.

Real interesting meetings though ... how to change things in our city in order to get more tourism.

Lots of exciting and unique suggestions were made throughout the meetings with many of them being implemented in the future.

We'll never be another Orlando, Florida here. We know that.

But it's cool that we're all on the same page as far as understanding what we're capable of and how we have to work to get to where we need to be.

Gah.

You see why I don't write about my work any more than I already do?

BORRRRRRRRING.

I did have one bitch come up to me after one of the meetings.

I'm going to give y'all the transcript of this discussion with everything she says verbatim and everything I say what I WANTED to say to her but didn't.

The premise: This woman works for a local historic attraction and asked me for some free bus passes a few weeks ago to shuttle some of her friends around town.

Twenty-five bus passes.

I was more than happy to oblige. I gave the woman 25 free bus passes so that she and her friends could enjoy seeing the city in style.

Keep in mind ... other than handing out free bus passes, I have nothing else to do with the busses.

Here you go:

BITCH: "I had a horrible time on your bus the other day."

ME: "Like I give a shit."

BITCH: "The bus picked us up, dropped us off at one end of downtown and we never saw the bus again."

ME: "Once again ... like I give a shit."

BITCH: "We had to walk four blocks in the heat to get to our next destination."

ME: "Your fat ungrateful ass could use the exercise."

BITCH: "I am never promoting your busses again at our business because of poor service."

ME: "They're not MY busses, lady. I just got you the passes. Take it up with the local transit system. I'm just a pimp, I'm not the whore."

BITCH: "How's that script that the local town historian wrote coming along for the tour guides on the bus?"

ME: "It was shit, lady. The local town historian must have been drunk when she wrote it. We're currently rewriting the script so that it makes a smidgen of sense."

BITCH: "Oh my gosh. Does she know you're rewriting it? She'll have a fit if she knows you're rewriting it!"

ME: "First, I'm not rewriting it you rancid douchebag. I suckered two local tour guides to rewrite it for free. It's out of my hands."

BITCH: "Don't you DARE let (one of the tour guides) rewrite that script! That woman makes up facts! She tells people there's a dead guy buried on top of one of our buildings! (SIDENOTE: It's a local urban legend that a unique coffin-like structure on top of one of our buildings has a dead body in it. Cooler heads say there's nothing in there, but it's something to spook the kids out with)"

ME: "Lady, it sounds like you have a personal problem with everyone. First, you lambast me for the bus system which I have absolutely no control over. Next you tell me you refuse to promote it after we just had a meeting where the general scope of the meeting was that we must all work together to reach a common goal so it sounds to me as if you were picking your ass rather than listening to the presentation. Third, you're trying to tell me that a script for tour guides that you never even personally saw was literary gold when it was regarded as psychobabble bullshit by everyone who read it. And now you're telling me that a good friend of mine is a liar and has no business doing the job that she's been doing for decades and has made quite a lot of money doing. Eat my ass, woman. Eat it with a spoon."

BITCH: "Just don't let that woman touch that script."

ME: "Too late lady. She's already wiped her ass with the previous script and is halfway through with the new one."

At this point, I caught my evil buddy Wendigo out of the corner of my eye, standing there by herself.

I pointed at my watch and mouthed the words "Time to go?"

She shrugged and nodded yes.

Knowing that I was trying to get away from the woman.

I politely excused myself from this wretched bag of ass and hauled booty out of there with Wendigo.

Like I said...now you know why I don't write about work more often.

It's fun if you're involved with it.

But boring if you're reading about it on someone else's diary.