I WONDER IF THEY HAVE HIGH SPEED INTERNET SERVICE IN PRISON?

Hey!!

Wanna go to prison tomorrow?!?

Then download some MP3s!!

Jesus God ... I'm sorry ... but the Recording Industry reminds me of a big lunky retarded kid trying to make friends with a canary by crushing it in its hands.

First off ... there's no WAY they can sue everyone that's downloading stuff.

So they're going after 16 year olds with one too many Avril MP3s on her computer.

Little Ashley Jane is understandably freaking out over this, as are her parents who are being told that for every one of her 150 MP3s on her hard drive, she must pay $150,000.

So Ashley now owes the recording industry $22,500,000.

Time to start looking for a summer job, Ashley!

And start saving those pennies!!

The moral of the story ... if you're going to download illegal MP3s ... you'd better fucking LOVE the shit out of that song!

Because it's going to cost you the equivalent of a three bedroom home.

Day one of the Summer 2003 Bachelor Party went fairly well yesterday.

Andrew and I played cars last night.

The kid never wants to crash his cars, which to me is the only point in playing cars.

We've got these little Fisher Price cars with these big headed people in them and I like doing slow motion crashes with them.

Andrew's all "No! No! No!" as he takes the cars out of my hands and plays nicely with them.

I guess I should be glad that he's peaceful with his cars and isn't looking to kill any Fisher Price people like his Dad.

But still...loosen up, kid.

Sheesh.

We went for a walk last night and saw Miss Priss.

Miss Priss lives about five houses down from us and never wants to associate with the rest of the street.

Susie's tried to make friends with the woman on several occasions, inviting her to community events such as "Girls Night Out" and parties and stuff.

Miss Priss ALWAYS has an excuse why she can't go.

Then, if we walk past her house, she always turns her head and "pretends" that she doesn't see us.

So Andrew and I are tooling down the street at dusk and Miss Priss is out watering her grass.

I figure since our eyes met, I'd better say hello.

You know...just in case she's ready to drop the prissy attitude.

"Hi," I said.

She just looked at me and went back to watering her grass.

DAMMIT!!

I hate it when I fold like that and do stuff I didn't want to do.

Miss Priss thinks she's too good for this upper middle class neighborhood.

But she can't afford to live in a high class neighborhood.

Thus ... her dilemma.

Be nice to her neighbors who she feels are below her?

Or cut back on the collagen implants and scrimp and save to move into a neighborhood where everyone are snobs so that she can fit in better?

Susie...in her ongoing quest to be everyone's friend ... keeps being nice to the woman when it's obvious the woman wants nothing to do with her or anyone else on our block.

I dunno.

I'm just still kinda pissed about saying hi to the woman and having her look at me as if I were a mangy dog.

Skank.

Soooo...we killed Saddam's sons.

I've got mixed emotions over this one.

On the one hand, yeah...we sure showed Saddam we're not fooling around.

On the other hand, I'm supposed to get excited that we killed two people, plus a teenage boy and a bodyguard.

The President is all excited. You halfway expect him to unzip his pants and start spanking that monkey furiously every time he thinks about the death.

But does this make us any better than them?

If Colin Powell and Dick Cheney were assassinated together, wouldn't we as a country be outraged?

I know I don't come across here as the "peace love and understanding" type of guy.

But that just shows that you don't know me like you think you might.