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3:05 a.m. - 2003-09-15


I ask you, what kind of God would allow Ben and Jen to split?

I'll tell ya, compadre ... it ain't no God o' mine.

I can only hope this is some sort of cruel hoax perpetrated by their respective press agents and that the dynamic duo are still madly in love.

If not, and if this is true ... is this not like sign #394 of the Apocalypse?

I couldn't sleep last night.

Rather, I tossed and turned, racking my brain for the answer to the question "Why can't Jennifer Lopez find true love, dammit?"

(In all honesty, I tossed the "dammit" onto the question at about 1:38 a.m. Up until then it was just "Why can't Jennifer Lopez find true love?" But by 1:38 a.m. I was so frustrated having not come up with the answer that I added "dammit" to punctuate my frustration.)

I have come up with a theory that I'm sure you're just all dying to hear.

So I'll share it with you.

Here we go.


It's because Jennifer Lopez can sleep with whomever she wants in this world.

I've got to admit ... I'm not attracted to her in the least. I don't get the whole "She's so SEX-SAYYY!" vibe when it comes to Senorita Lopez.

But I'd still do her.

Then again, I'd do the housewife down the street with the lazy eye, thick glasses and bad hip if she asked me to.

Because I'm a guy.

And La Lopez knows this.

So this is her modus operendi ... when she's in bed with a guy and he fails to pleasure her in the way she'd like to be pleasured ... she throws him away and yells "NEXT!!" and another guy is thrown into her bedroom and locked in while he screams and pounds on the door to be let out.

She's a black widow, this Jennifer Lopez.

And Ben's in the same boat.

He knows that there's about three women out there that won't do him.

And that's his mom and two sisters.

He has a third sister that would do him, but she's also an alcoholic and her judgement is cloudy at best.

Once again, I just really hope this is just a goofy little prank and that they'll be married soon.

And then divorced six months later.

Because truthfully ... I could really use the sleep.

Speaking of goofy little pranks, I do not think there will be any repercussions from my "slush powder" prank from last week at work.

I walked past the president of the organization on Friday and he greeted me with a smile and a hearty hello and moved on.

He had his chance to fire me right there and didn't.

So the window of opportunity is closed as far as I'm concerned.

Can't fire me now.

No sirree.

Had your chance, dude. Shoulda taken it.

I'm officially delerious this morning.

The reason I'm up so early is because I have to take Susie to Columbus, Georgia and have her there by 6:15 a.m. our time.

That's about a two hour drive which means we have to leave here about 4:15 or so because I have no idea where I'm going once I get to Columbus.

Then I have to get back here and pick up Andrew (Grandma spent the night here and will be here in case Andrew sets the house on fire or something while his parents are gone) and take him to daycare.

Then I have to be at work.

Susie's at a training seminar all week, so once again ... it's me and Andrew.

And I think I'm going to be SERIOUSLY tired about 7 tonight.

Yet still having to entertain a rowdy two year-old by myself.


If I had any Calgon in the house, I'd stare at the bottle and say "CALGON...TAKE ME AWAYYYYYY!!!"

You know...just have me back by 9 p.m. or so to put the kid to bed.

Speaking of the kid (gotta love my segues this morning) ... he passed three milestones this weekend.

First, he peed in the toilet.

I had to hold his pecker for him at first. Which was really weird. The only times I really touch his pecker are when I'm bathing him or changing his diaper and then I'm rubbing either a washcloth or diaper wipe on it.

So bare hand on pecker?

I don't recall that happening much.

Anyway, he squeezed a few drops out and was proud as a peacock.

Naturally, he went to reach into the toilet to retrieve his pee.

I hurriedly flushed the toilet and explained there was no need to fondle the pee after you've expelled it.

I'm not sure if he understood that or not because he just stared at me.

Then he ran off to play with his pecker some more.

Second, he took his first shower.

This came soon after his first pee in the toilet. I was getting in the shower and he stripped off his clothes, thinking he's a big boy now, maybe it's time he took his first shower.

He did good at first.

Then he got soap in his eye.

And ohmigod...let the floodgates open.

But up until then, he washed his own body by himself.

I was coaching him the whole time.

"Wash your stomach. Now wash your pee pee. Now wash your arms. Now wash Andrew...your pee pee's clean ... wash your legs. Andrew, your pee pee's clean can .... Andrew...quit washing your pee pee. Wash your le-...dammit Andrew...quit washing your pee pee."

The third thing ... well ... actually three and four ... the kid actually wrote his first word.

And that word is ... "Cow".

We were drawing at the breakfast table (which, in a cruel twist of fate, we also use for lunch and dinner) and I said "Can you draw a cow?"

So he said "Ceeeeeeeee".

(Roughly translated - "C")

And drew a half circle.

And then "Ohhhhhhhhh"

(Because he draws out the name of each letter while he draws it)

And drew a circle.

And then "Ubba-dew"

(Another rough translation..."W")

And drew an "M".

I didn't have the heart to point out his Ubba-Dew was upside down and he had actually written "COM".

But it was pretty impressive. We both clapped and said "YAY!"

Then...he drew an honest-to-God face.

He drew a circle for the head, two dark eyes, a circle for the nose and a curved line for the smile. He added two ears and then scribbled all over it for the hair.

It was really impressive until the hair part.

The kid really needs to focus on drawing bald people for the time being.

I'm going to work with him on that this week.

Alright...gotta go, it's shower time.

Luckily, Andrew's still asleep.

I want to shower by myself this morning.

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