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5:40 a.m. - 2003-09-22


Soooo...I was privy to the world's most white trash wedding party this weekend.

I took the family to Gatlinburg, Tennessee ... only a nine hour drive ... on Friday.


Ever taken a rambunctious two year-old on a nine hour drive?


To the mountains?


Where the kid's ears pop every ten seconds?


That'll fuck a family up for life, lemme tell ya.

Anyway, we went for a friend's wedding.

It was NOT the friend's wedding that was the white trash event of the year.

It was this other wedding party that was at the same restaurant that the after-wedding dinner was held.

The bride was beautiful. Bee-yoo-ti-ful. Dare I say...she was one hot-assed hillbilly.

The groom didn't wear a tux. But he had managed to track down a faded pair of Duckheads and a tie.

The wedding party were wearing mostly wife-beaters. One guy in particular, with tattoos up and down his arms and neck, looked particularly spiffy.

Especially when he was spanking one of the flower girls. Maybe it was his daughter. I dunno. But nothing says "Wedding reception" like a tattooed hillbilly beating the bejeezus out of a kid because she won't eat her fish sticks.

These people were sitting on the deck outside the restaurant while we were all inside. So I sat inside and just watched the circus outside rather than the one that I was attending inside because I was facing that way and let's face it ... the bride was much hotter.

As the evening went on and the bride consumed one Bud after another, she became infatuated with one particular older man, who I guessed to be her estranged Daddy.

The guy was wearing a John Deere hat perched on top of his head. Not like most people wear baseball was just sitting delicately on top of his head. Like it was protecting his fresh lobotomy scars or something.

So anyway ... long story short ... the John Deere guy started a loud chant of "Show your tits!"

...Directed at the bride who had been sitting on his lap several times throughout the evening.

The bride acted embarrassed at first.

But she finally relented and showed her wedding party (and those at ours who were more interested in this circus than the one we were all supposed to be attending) her boobies.

Two words ... nice hooters.

"Suze!" I hissed quietly. "The bride's showing her tits! Look!"

Susie whipped her head around to check it out and gasped.

Normally, if you attend a wedding reception and the bride exposes her breasts, it signals that something is very, very wrong.

Not this wedding party.

I'm guessing that the bride showing her boobies inspired some of the other whores in attendance to hold an impromptu wet t-shirt contest without the wet t-shirts.

I saw two more sets of boobies. One woman lifted her shirt away from me, so I just saw her back and another one apparently lifted her shirt but the Coke machine was blocking her from my view.

Keep in mind ... this was a semi-nice restaurant and not a dilapidated Hooters.

Finally, to the catcalls and boos of not only the wedding party, but myself ... their party was asked to leave the premises.

Tattoo Boy audibly called the manager an "ignorant motherfucker" as he walked away.

The manager kept walking away. Smart move. You don't wanna tussle with a group of drunken illiterate hillbillies. Them people are strong as b'ars.

The bride's chariot awaited as she slipped into a vintage El Camino, flashed her titties one more time and rode off into the night as well-wishers hoped that the lovely couple enjoyed many happy hours together as a married couple before the inevitable annulment took place.

Meanwhile, yet another drunken Uncle was toasting the bride and groom at my wedding party.

I sighed and turned around to face the wedding party that I was attending, despondent that my free titty viewing was finished for the evening.

Goodbye my sweet Hillbilly bride.

We managed to go to the Ripley's Aquarium while we were there because we figured Andrew would like it.

And he did.

The acrylic tunnel that you can see if you click on that link was way cool. Basically, you're surrounded by exotic fish and sharks as you're slowly taken through this tunnel on a moving sidewalk.

I never thought I'd enjoy an aquarium, but this was really cool.

Does the fact that I enjoyed staring at fish for two hours make me a nerd?

One thing I learned about "vacations" with children.

I remember when Susie and I used to go on vacations pre-Andrew.

We'd take leisurely strolls and eat at nice restaurants that we normally wouldn't be able to eat at and enjoy ourselves.

Guess which Mc-restaurant was eaten at 3 out of 5 meals because somebody in our family will only eat Chicken McNugget Happy Meals in restaurants?

We did manage to eat at a Quizno's Friday night which was one of Susie's long-time dreams.

She's seen the commercials for years but we don't have a Quizno's here.

So we ate at the Quizno's in Gatlinburg.

Neither one of us were impressed. Then again ... the kid making the sandwiches was new and German and kept asking us "What's on that?" while he made our sandwiches.

Susie just finally pointed to the menu above his head and said "It's all right there."

Ahhhh...apparently we had run across one of those rare dyslexic German sandwich making apprentices.

Anyway, you can have your freakin' Quizno's.

I'll take my untoasted Subway sandwich over that crap any day.

Lots more happened, but they didn't include exposed nipples or Nazis making sandwiches, so I'll end this here and let you get on with your day.

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