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5:38 a.m. - 2003-09-29


...And the award for the worst potato chips in the free world goes to ...

....Cape Cod "Nantucket Spice" potato chips ... a savory blend of imported cracked pepper, white pepper, spices and sea salt.

Basically ... a goddamned pepper festival in your fucking mouth.

You say that snarfing down handfuls of raw black pepper isn't enough for you??

Try these goddamned "Nantucket Spice" potato chips and sneeze your fucking ass off.

...Seriously ... I should have taken a job in advertising.

Watched "A Mighty Wind" the other night.

Maybe it was the fact that I was more tired than God on the seventh day, but Christ ... that was one unfunny movie. The only way it could have been unfunnier was if the film had somehow managed to have cancer.

I laughed exactly one time and that was at the end when I blurted out ... "Shit...there's fifteen bucks down the drain" and my wife replied "I want the checkbook back, you impulsive shopping piece of shit."

That woman cracks my shit up.

No lie.

Cooked a frozen pizza on Sasturday night because neither of us felt like cooking.

Right there in big red letters on the front of the box it says "Cook before serving".

So we tried it that way for a change and you know ... when you actually go to the trouble of cooking the pizza before eating it, it's a helluva lot better.

We've always sucked the slices of the frozen pizza until it formed a gooey snot-like paste in our mouths and we could bite chunks of it off.

I just wanna thank the cocksmoking brainiac who came up with the novel idea of actually going to the trouble of heating up a frozen pizza and give them a hearty thumbs up.

And double thanks for the fine folks at Tony's Pizza who alerted me to this tempty tasty treat right there on the front of the box.

In other news, my lobotomy scars are healing up nicely, thank you.

I have a dear friend who's talking seriously about opening up a wine bar downtown since we're undergoing a revitalization of the downtown area.

Personally, I'm not a fan of wine. I've had exactly four glasses of it in my life. I don't know what it is, but every time I try to drink wine, I inadvertently say "Jesus Harold Smith, this tastes like leper snatch!"

It's like a nervous tic. Without the whole nervous and tic things.

But my friend casually mentioned that she wanted me to be in charge of getting the music together for the bar, if they decide to make a go of it.

So naturally, being the anal retentive music fan that I am, I spent a large chunk of the weekend trying to decide what songs would work well in a dimly lit, upper class, wine bar atmosphere.

Naturally, you'd want Metallica's "Enter Sandman" to kinda signal "Hey! Time to drink some wine, everyone!"

Follow that with the classic Dead Kennedys tune "Too Drunk To Fuck" which sends out the vibe to drink until your genitalia no longer function properly, thus making the cash register ring loudly.

Toss in a little Wayne Newton's "Danke Schoen" because it ain't a bar until you have a bunch of drunken bastards singing in German like little girls.

Then G.G. Allin's classic "Bite It You Scum" only because most of his songs are a bit too vulgar to play in a public setting while this one is a classic love song.

And close out the night with a marathon of tunes from the late, great schizophrenic rock star Wesley Willis.


She's gonna have one successful little wine bar thanks to me.

In his constant quest to amaze us, Andrew has taken up the art of assembling puzzles properly.

We started him off on puzzles with 3-4 pieces.

He scoffed at these.

He now has a 24 piece puzzle of Bear In That Big Assed Blue House that he can put together in about five minutes.

That doesn't sound all that impressive until I remind you one more f'n time that the kid is still TWO YEARS OLD.

We asked the pediatrician if this is unusual to have a kid who's two who can put a 24 piece puzzle together and he said that in some third world countries, he would be revered as a magic god who could make crops grow with the wave of his hand and would have fair maidens willing to serve him at his beck and call.

That's pretty impressive.

I'm just wondering if the maidens could slip the god's old man a little nookie on the side for his role in sperming the little kid.

I'm going on record as saying the new Man Show with Joe Rogan and Doug Stanhope is probably the most crass and vulgar half hour of television today.

And I have never laughed so hard in my life as I did last night while they were interviewing the mountain climber who was forced to slice his own arm off with a dull pocket knife to save his life.

When they had the drummer from Def Leppard call in to the show to suggest that they someday get together to "clap or maybe open a jar", I literally fell off the couch laughing.

THAT'S entertainment, bucko.

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