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5:43 a.m. - 2003-10-10


Due to my amazing skill of being able to read the minds of animals up to thousands of miles away, I present to you THE TRUTH behind what happened onstage last week at the Siegfried and Roy show.

(Audience applauding)

DIRECTOR: "Get the tiger ready for Roy."

TIGER: "Yeah. Somebody get me ready for Roy. Like I don't know what the hell to do. I've only done this 1,200 times. For Christ's sakes ... it's not like I'm a Bengal. I CAN do this on my own, y'know."

ROY: "Iss dat fooking cat ready yet?"

TIGER HANDLER: "He's ready, Mr. Horn."

ANNOUNCER: "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls ... feast your eyes on the amazing ... MONTECORE!!!"

TIGER: "Yeah. Feast your eyes on Montecore's DICK, you bunch of drunken bastards."

ROY: "Ahhh...meine pretty kitty. And how are you today, meine lovely cat?"

AUDIENCE: (cooing)

TIGER: "I'm fucking starving. You got a ribeye in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

SIEGFRIED: "Montecore has been a member of our family for seven glorious years!"

TIGER: "Oh fuck. I really wish you'd quit saying that. They're all going to think I'm gay too, you bleached blond fucktard."

ROY: "Come give your daddy many kisses! Mmm-wah! Mmm-wah!"


ROY: "Come on Monte! Give your daddy kiss!"

TIGER: "Look man ... you've been in this country for what? Sixty years? Drop the German accent already, Hitler. It only makes you more obnoxious."

ROY: (hissing quietly)"Get over here, you ingrate!"

TIGER: "Hmmmm...let me see if I can find the right words for the situation. Ah yes ... fuck you."

ROY: (hitting the tiger on the nose with his microphone) "Come on, Monte! Daddy wants a kiss!"

TIGER: "You dir...what the fuck? You're hitting ME on the nose?? Dude, I'll rip your goddamned throat out if you keep that shit up!"

ROY: "Kissy, kiss Monte..."

TIGER: "How about I just give your arm a little kiss there, Queer Eye?"


ROY: "Goddammit! Goddammit!! Somebody get this fucking tiger off my arm!!"

TIGER: "Sheee-it! If I'm gonna get tasered again, I'm making it worth my while."

(TIGER lunges for Roy's throat and begins thrashing him around like a rag doll)

TIGER: "Hey Roy! Hey Roy! Who's the king of the jungle? Huh?? Who's the motherfucking king of the jungle?"

SIEGFRIED: (screaming) "AAAAGH!!! AAAAAGH!!! Meine hair ist out of place! Meine hair!! MEINE HAIR!!!"

TIGER: "Who's gonna jump through hoops now, bitch? Looks like Roy's gonna be jumping through hoops now! You can leave that whip and taser at home, Roy Boy because your happy ass is jumping through hoops now!!"

(Backstage handler shoots fire extinguisher at TIGER until TIGER drops Roy head first on the floor.)

DIRECTOR: "Somebody shoot that tiger NOW!!"

ROY: (gasping) "Don't ... shoot....the pussy."

TIGER: "Fuck it. Shoot me. Once they patch that bitch up, he's gonna declaw and defang my ass anyway. Shoot me now and I go down in tiger history as a martyr. The guy who took that prissy bitch down a couple notches."

SIEGFRIED: "Nein! Do not shoot the cat! The cat is our lives! Magic is our lives! Magic cats are our lives! The cat didn't mean to harm my lover! He a good cat! He was protecting the Roy!"

TIGER: "Yeah. Listen to the homo."

SIEGFRIED: "Put him in his cage and sedate him!"

TIGER: "Fuhhh-huck. I'd rather be dead."

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