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5:50 a.m. - 2003-10-16


Soooo...chances are very good that unless I wake up at 2 a.m. tomorrow, there won't be an update here on Friday.

"Why?" you ask.

"Why, Uncle Bob, why?" you ask again, tears welling in your eyes. "How can you just leave me hanging on a Friday morning without an Uncle Bob fix??"

At which point, I cyber-slap you and tell you to get over it, you whiny sack of shit.

Because I've got to leave here at 5 a.m. tomorrow as I have something to do.

"What?" you ask, taking me through all that whiny shit again.


I'll give you a hint.

Hang on.

Wait a second.

(Uncle Bob scurries about, knocking things over in his wake)

La da deeeee, la da daaaaaa...




Hang on.





Here comes a hint.
















Give up??

I'm going to be on the local morning news program, dressed up as Satan.

I mean...Santa.

...Damned scurrying "N"...

Y'see ... at my workplace, we're having this Holiday Open House thing on Saturday where we've decorated the business in holiday fashion.

And the local wacky news guy who gets paid to go to local businesses and organizations and promote whatever they're doing will be coming to our business to promote this big thing that we're doing on Saturday. Lots of arts and crafts and food and junk.

So they needed a Santa Claus.

And since I'm the only male that works there, guess who got asked to be Santa?

No, guess again.

That's right!! ME!!

So anyway, I've gotta be there at 5:30 a.m. to let the TV crew in and let them get set up to do the live satellite feed.

Then, my moment in the sun as I do the whole Santa thing, ho-ho-ho-ing my ass off and acting like a complete dildo on live television.

I plan on trying to let at least four swear words "slip" out of Santa's mouth in one sentence and see how quickly they can pull the live feed.

Here's how I envision that happening...

WACKY NEWS GUY: "So Santa, are you almost ready for Christmas? Have you got all the toys built and ready to go?"

SANTA: "You ever tried to 'build' a Play Station 2, David? Do I look like Joe Sony to you? Those shitty motherfuckers are a goddamned bitch to just slap together. Try it sometime, you dipshit."

WACKY NEWS GUY: "Cut! Cut! Cutcutcutcutcut!!!"


This might be fun.

Not that you guys can really "watch" me, but there's a good chance you can see a live still image of it if you feel like getting up early with me tomorrow.

Go to and scroll down until you find a link for "What's on WSFA Now".

Click on that and you'll probably have to refresh every minute or so.

Once you see a live shot from a holiday-decorated place, keep refreshing. Eventually you'll see Santa.

You won't hear me cussing up a blue streak.

But at least you can point and say "Shoot me a bird, Uncle Bob! SHOOT ME A BIRD!!!"

I'll see what I can do.

Don't fret about the wrong date on the live picture feed on the TV website. It's wrong, but the photo is right. The show runs from 7-8 am EST/ 6-7 a.m. CST. West coast...get up at 4 a.m. to see me. Yeah. That's what I thought.


As luck would have it, the guy that booked us double booked us and has someone else in our place. He feels horrible about it, I've spent all day trying to come up with an alterior solution and have been able to book my people at 5:55 a.m. tomorrow morning. This means that I won't be playing Santa on the TV tomorrow. So DON'T get up and refresh some silly web page to see still shots of me as Santa. Be happy with the photo I've already provided you.

You you were going to get up and do this anyway.

So anyway, you'll get an update tomorrow after all, ya lucky bastard.

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