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5:33 a.m. - 2003-11-04


(Day One on the Island)

SCENE: Night is falling on Oak Island as 12 wet, hungry and tired castaways struggle to build a fire.

SMIRKWOOD: "What's the hold-up, mates?"

GENGHIS JON:"Fuck off with your 'mates' shit, motherfucker! I'm working as fast as I can!"

SMIRKWOOD: (elbowing Pushpull)"What's his problem?"

PUSHPULL:"Rumor has it his mother sold him to a pack of wolves when he was a baby for some crack rock."

BISA PET:"I made cookies! Who wants some delicious, hot cookies?"

KISS A FROG:"Those aren't cookies. That's just some tree bark with sand on top of them."

BISA PET: "No dear. They're cookies. Delicious oatmeal chocolate chip macademia nut cookies. With sprinkles!"

CALL 911:(elbowing Cosmicrayola and whispering) "She...uhhhh...she's lost it already, hasn't she?"

COSMICRAYOLA:"I dunno (crunch, crunch). These aren't that bad. A little too much sand for my taste, but the tree bark is damned tasty."

(Jon finally figures out how to work a cigarette lighter and lights a pile of dried tree branches and leaves)


(Jon does a dance around the fire while waving his middle fingers and cigarette lighter high in the air)

ODALISK:"I have what I think may be an appropriate idea for the evening's festivities. Please, indulge me for just a moment. In the context of the game, let us all gather around the burning embers and share wit and wisdom about our past lives from whence we all originated."

SMIRKWOOD: (elbowing Jason75 and whispering)"G'day mate ... why does she talk like that?"

JASON 75:"Too much college. Rotted her brain out. You tried one of these cookies yet? They're not that bad, but stay away from the burnt ones."

(The castaways gather around the fire, staring into it pensively. Mousepoet speaks first.)

MOUSEPOET:"I am. Mousepoet. I speak in. Short bursts of. Garbled language. It is poetry. I am poetry. The sky is. Black with anger. I...uhhhh...I also work for Disney if you can call it that. Work, I mean. I'm basically a poetic slacker. You a nutshell."

KISS-A-FROG: "I'm prematurely gray. But you'd know that if you read my most recent diary entry."

UNCLE BOB: "I read it! I read it!"


UNCLE BOB: (sheepishly) "Well ... I skimmed it ..."

ODALISK: "I am a fanatic for the wonders of the great literary works of some of the world's most gifted authors and incorporate my vast knowledge of said authors and their brilliant prose into my online persona as Odalisk."

BISA PET: "Really? Wow. I thought you made up most of the words in your diary."

ODALISK: (shoulders slumping)"Yeah. I do. But 'anamoriphic' really is a word. You can look it up."

GENGHIS JON: "I'm Jon. I'm a bitter young man who is fascinated with jamming objects up my ass."

SAXY JACK CLAR:(Purring seductively) "You know Jon Boy ... I can help you with that little hobby of yours. All you have to do is whistle. You know how to whistle ... don't you Jonny?"

GENGHIS JON: (whistling manically) "WOOT! WOOT! WOOT! WOOT!"

SAXY JACK CLAR: "I guess it's my turn. Hello ladies, I'm Jack. I'm in college and I'm fabulously sex-say, sassy and gay. And I take great pride in being able to match my shoes with my belt."

KISS A FROG: (whispering) "Why are the cute ones always gay?"

ODALISK: "Or deceased."

COSMICRAYOLA: "Hi, I'm Cosmic. It looks like I'm the oldest one on the island, so naturally, I'll be the first to go since the producers of the show want buff young bodies in bikinis and speedos."

(Nonchalantly, everyone simultaneously reaches for their Tribal Council cards and checks the box next to Cosmicrayola's name and then smoothly slide the cards in their pockets while whistling aimlessly, eyes focused on the night sky.)

CALL 911: "Hey all, I'm 911. I'm glad to be here. Hell ... I'd be glad to be in prison if it meant getting me away from my family for 30 days."

BISA PET: "I'm Bisa. I've got to agree with 911. You people have no idea how hard it is living with a dog who has no control over his farting."

GENGHIS JON: (lifts his leg and shoots an air biscuit in Bisa's direction)"Just trying to make you feel at home there, Bisa."


GENGHIS JON: "Yeah. Blame it on the cookies."

SMIRKWOOD: "G'day. I'm Smirk and this is Jason. We're from Australia, the land down under. Home of the Crocodile Hunter, Men at Work and water that swirls the wrong way when it goes down the drain."

JASON: "G'day."

UNCLE BOB: "Do you guys know the Wiggles?"

JASON: "Ah yes! The Wiggles are one of our finest exports!"

UNCLE BOB: "Yeah? You think you can get my hundred dollars back from them for that lousy time we had at their show last week?"

SMIRKWOOD: "Uhhhhhh...Vegamite sandwiches anyone?"

PUSHPULL: "Wait a second ... that's not a vegamite sandwich. That's mud and seaweed between two rocks."

SMIRKWOOD: "I know, mate! But it tastes better than a Vegamite sandwich, by crikey!"

PUSHPULL: "No thanks. Anyway, I'm Pushpull. I've got a little boy named Yak Yak and I love Nascar, reading and music. But you'd know that if you had read my "About Me" page on my website."

UNCLE BOB: (elbowing Jack and whispering) "Thank God for 'About Me' pages, huh?"

SAXYJACKCLAR: "What? Did you just ask me for a blow job???"

UNCLE BOB: "I ... My turn? Finally?? I'm Uncle Bob. I'm honored to be here with all of you talented people and hope that after all this is said and done we will all have a special bond that cannot be broken. And no matter what is written or how the game is played, I hope there's no hard feelings at the end and that we can walk away from this as friends."

ODALISK: "Awwww...that is so sweet!"

UNCLE BOB: "Yeah. Anyone ever told you you've got a nice rack?"

ODALISK: (crosses her arms sheepishly across her chest and stares at the ground)Uhhhhh...

UNCLE BOB: "Somebody take a picture. She's finally at a loss for words!"

(Just then, a figure stumbles out of the woods behind the castaways. They all jump to their feet with sticks and rocks in their hands, ready to beat this invader down)

TRINITY 63: "Hey guys! It's me! Trinity!"

EVERYONE: "Trinity!!"

CALL 911: "Where have you been, girlfriend?"

TRINITY63: "Awwww...had to go through a bunch of crap back at the mainland. Couldn't get a passport ... shit like that. But I'm here now!"

COSMICRAYOLA: "What's wrong with your neck, Trinity? It's all ... loose or something."

TRINITY63: "What? What are you talking about?"

(Cosmicrayola reaches out to a flap on Trinity's neck and pulls. Suddenly, the Trinity mask comes off and beneath it lies the face of a stranger)

VERUCA AMISH:"Muahahahahahahaaa!! Muahahahahahahaha!!! Trinity is dead! DEAD I SAY!! I am your new Trinity!!! LONG LIVE THE AMISH!! LONG LIVE THE AMISH!!!"


(The scene fades as Veruca Amish chases the other castaways around the campfire very slowly since there's so many castaways and such a small fire. They take several breaks to catch their breath since several of them are past their prime and Genghis Jon can't stop farting which is making everyone sick to their stomachs as the mad rampage continues well into the night.)

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