THE NEW AND IMPROVED UNCLE BOB ... NOW IN LEATHER

My little sister called me yesterday morning after I had updated here.

Gah. I feel weird calling a 34 year-old woman a "little sister".

Anyway ... she called to tell me she was engaged.

Engaged to the guy that she's been dating off and on for seven years.

Seven fucking years.

I think it was around year four that we all told her to dump him, that he was a loser and that he would never marry her.

So she dumped him and went back to her college boyfriend who was now a successful lawyer.

This guy took her on several vacations within a three-month period, showered her with gifts and proclaimed his undying love for her which he had held on to ever since college.

This smothered her completely and she went running away screaming back into the arms of El Loser, leaving the attorney with the heart of gold wondering what he did wrong.

She dated El Loser for a few more years. They went to a counselor to try and help him get over his fear of commitment. He swore that he'd marry her "someday" but only when he was ready.

At year six, she got tired of waiting for that ring and went back to the Attorney.

The Attorney now had a steady girlfriend whom he loved.

NOW it had become a challenge to my sister. Before when she was showered with affection, the Attorney was not a challenge.

But now it was different.

So she started calling him, emailing him, dropping by to see him even though he lived two hours away.

The Attorney promised my sister that he was on the outs with his girlfriend and to just give him enough time to dump her and then it'd be the Attorney and my Sister...true love forever.

So she waited.

And waited.

And filed her nails.

And waited.

And the Attorney wasn't dumping his girlfriend quick enough for my sister's liking.

So she went back to El Loser.

El greeted her with a bored snort and kept watching his football game.

She racked her brain trying to think how to handle the Loser.

She finally just gave him space. Quit asking when he was going to propose, quit being there at his every beck and call and took it easy with him.

He proposed Friday night in what she said was a shock to both of them.

Apparently they were talking about marriage and he just blurted out "If I asked you, would you marry me?"

She said "Of course."

So he said "Will you marry me?"

She said "Uhhhhh....no."

(Cruelty runs in the family)

Naturally, it was a joke and she says they're getting married in either March or April of 2004.

I will believe it when I'm pelting the Loser in the face with handfuls of bird seed.

My lunch buddy Meg and I went to this leather apparel outlet store yesterday at lunch.

She wanted to get some coat that she had bid on at a silent auction. She bid $250 and it finally went for like $330.

She got there and the coat was on sale for $59.

Now, I'm no clothes-shopping fanatic. I stick with DVDs when I'm shopping for material things.

But I can smell a bargain when I ....uhhhh...smell one.

So I started looking around the store and I found this leather trench coat.

It came down to my knees.

It fit me. I'll be damned if it didn't fit me like a big assed glove.

I twirled around in front of the mirror, checking out my leather-clad fine ass.

I looked at the price tag.

$550.

I looked at the sales tag.

$79.

I didn't buy it.

I'm guessing that maybe it's so cheap because it's so out of style. Nobody's wearing the shit.

Like if you went to get your hair cut and it's $15 to get a haircut, but only $3 for them to give you a mullet.

Do you say to yourself "Damn! Only $3 for a mullet? I'll take one!"

No.

You bite the bullet and pay the $15 so people aren't snickering at you and asking you to detail their car.

I started questioning myself ... wouldn't I be ridiculed as a 41 year-old fat ass who thinks he's an extra from "The Matrix" with his long black leather trench coat?

The answer was "Yeah. Probably. I dunno. I guess."

But last night I had a dream that I went back to the store and a large chunk of the merchandise was gone.

Including that coat.

And the salesguy said that those were only available for one day and I had missed my chance.

Now.

I've never dreamed about missed opportunities on buying clothes.

For chrissakes ... I'M STRAIGHT, PEOPLE.

But the dream has me thinking...I NEED that coat.

I think I'm going back today.

I just wanna stare at myself in the mirror a little bit more.

Not that I even need to have the coat on while I stare.

I just dig those three-way mirrors.

Goddamn...my ass looks fine in those mirrors.

Tell me something ... am I a complete puss for getting choked up while watching "Average Joe" last night?

For those of you not watching it ... here's a quick rundown on the show ... beautiful girl is told she's going to meet the man of her dreams. She has to pick between 16 dorks, all of whom had to have one quality ... they're known as the "life of the party" in their social circles.

From looking at these guys, most of their social circles probably revolve around "Dungeons and Dragons" and reciting Lord of the Rings dialogue verbatim on Friday nights.

Anyway, the one favorite of the group, this little nerd who's half deaf with a heart of gold admits to the hottie that he's a 36 year-old virgin.

...And subsequently, she boots him off the show.

He cried.

The other guys cried.

And I had to look away from the screen in order to not totally puss out myself.

I'll give you three guesses where they might find these worthless pieces of shit.

And the first two don't count.

Something stinks in the kitchen.

I can't pinpoint what the smell is. Smells like the refrigerator was unplugged and things are starting to rot in there.

Me go checkum.

You stay here.