ASK ANDREW

Dear Andrew,

I clicked on one of those emails that promised to make my penis larger and "make her scream". However, my penis is still the same size and Mom hasn't screamed yet except when my room isn't cleaned up. Am I doing something wrong?

Sincerely,

Henry

..........

Dear Henry,

What the fizzuck are you talking about, muh schnizzle? You didn't order the shit? Gotdamn you crazy fuckduck, you gots to order the shit first! Yo' dick ain't gonna sprout from just clickin' on the motherfuckin' link, bitch! They send yo' ass some sugar pills, you take them and they make you THINK you's Ron Jeremy. But sheeee-it. Don't be showin' yo' mama yo' dick, fool. I can guarantee yo' ass that yo' mama's go' scream when you chase her ass around the house, swingin' yo' johnson at her like a mental patient. Ya stoopid fucknuckle.

Sincerely,

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Recently, I proposed to my one true love and she accepted. Several weeks later, I found out that she is a prostitute which would explain why she comes home late every night covered in dried semen splotches. How do I break off the engagement without hurting her feelings?

Yours,

Hymie

..........

Dear Hymie,

A-ha.

A-ha, a-ha.

A-hahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

You's one stoopid motherfucker!

Don't break off the engagement you dumb motherfucker ... MARRY THE BITCH!

The bitch is always go' have cash in hand, dig? She probably go' give you better head than you's ever go' git from some gotdamned sorority girl. And the bitch is always go' work nights which frees up yo' time for smokin' blunts and watchin' reality TV, you stoopid assed motherfuckin' cracker.

Just keep that house clean and dinner on the table and you's set for life.

Oh.

And never fuck tha bitch without a jimmy on.

Sincerely,

Andrew

("Ask Andrew" is the only Internet advice column for adults and written by a three year-old little boy with delusions of someday being a gangsta rapper. "Ask Andrew" is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be taken seriously. Do not seek the advice of Andrew without first consulting a psychiatrist or gynecologist. All your base are belong to Andrew. People in CT, AZ, MN, WV and LA are not eligible for advice from "Ask Andrew">