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5:36 a.m. - 2003-12-01


You know how sometimes you kick back in that beat-up recliner of yours, pat your big ol' stinkin' gut and say something ignorant like "Now THAT was a holiday!" while you floss your teeth with the corner of a subscription card that fell out of a magazine?


Well, you're wrong and have no freakin' clue what a holiday really is.

But the last four days which I just walked away from as it fizzled out into a lame kaleidoscope of dull colors?

Now THAT was a holiday, bitch!

While some people may hear about my "holiday" and proclaim that I'm a sad and pathetic piece of shit that doesn't deserve to live, I stand strong and say something like "To each his own".

Mainly because it'd be the first thing that popped into my head that wasn't necessarily riddled with obscenities.

I've already told you about Thanksgiving and how completely quiet and utterly un-Thanksgivingly it turned out to be.

The rest of the extended holiday weekend?


Friday I stayed home with Andrew all day while Susie worked because she foolishly chose a career in the retail market that may pay twice as much as my job, but look who's got the Friday after Thanksgiving off! HA! Who's laughing now, Miss Lotsa Money And No Time To Spend It! Here, give me some! I've had my eye on a few DVDs lately!

We were supposed to go to a VIP party at the Zoo Friday evening that culminated in the throwing of the switch that turns on millions of lights inside the zoo as part of a desperate attempt to get locals to come to the zoo in bitterly cold temperatures.

We didn't go.

It was too damned cold.

Saturday, Susie and I took turns Christmas shopping for the Drew Dogg.

I'm only going to say this once ... my kid is spoiled when it comes to the toys.

Now ... granted ... we've been buying him Christmas gifts and socking them away all year long.

Then on Saturday, we both went out individually and spent about $120 apiece on him.

I cannot begin to tell you everything he's getting.

But it's turning into a very Thomas the Tank Engine Christmas.

He's getting a boxed set of The Best of Thomas DVDs.

He only has one Thomas DVD and I swear ... he watched it 50 times in the last four days. No lie. He laid in our bed and watched it over and over again. Personally ... Thomas gives me the creeps. But so did the Wiggles when I first saw them. Now I fancy myself the fifth Wiggle. The only thing holding me back from actually becoming the fifth Wiggle is the fact that I'm not a very big fan of the cock.

We got him all the pieces to his Take Along Thomas set. We had planned on just adding to it a little at a time, but when we started having trouble finding everything, I panicked and ordered it all off the web.

Let's see ... Thomas books...Dora DVDs, "Lion King" DVD, "Babe" DVD, an indoor trampoline, a Sesame Street remote control race track, a pony on a stick (everything from brooms to hoses ... he pretends he's riding a horse), the Colorforms crap, a gun that shoots foam darts (to keep up his gangsta image), the Leap Pad machine and four books that go with it, two CDs and more stuff that I'm forgetting.

At least it's not like last year where I had to make a six hour round trip to get him the one gift we really thought he'd like that he only sorta liked and plays with about twice a year now.

And we're done!

No more shopping for the spoiled little brat!

I know my parents are going to freak out when they see all the stuff we bought him on Christmas morning.

Mom will just sneer "He doesn't NEED all that!" while she pulls long drags off her plastic nicotine filter thing that she now sucks on rather than a cigarette.

Dad, God bless him, will not say a word but will get down on the floor and play with Andrew and his new toys.

You'd never know it ... but my dad's a kid at heart.

Anyway ... now all I have left to buy is one thing for Susie ... a stool for her vanity so she can sit down and put on her makeup.

I plan on enlisting the chicks at work in helping me find one during an extended lunch hour in the next week or two.


Chicks know all about vanity stools.

I spent the rest of my weekend frustrated out of my tits with the new 2004 Norton SystemWorks.

I'd been having trouble with the computer being all slow and shit. No search engines will work in Internet Explorer. Every time I tried to open IE, it would say "Detecting Proxy Settings" and then it'd be 5-10 minutes before a window would open.

I installed SystemWorks but it only halfway installs.

Basically, after restarting my machine, an "Information Wizard" is supposed to pop up, direct me through the rest of the installation and activate the SystemWorks.

No Information Wizard. None. He ain't poppin' up on my screen, Chico.

I uninstalled and reinstalled the whole thing four times.

No Information Wizard. He's asleep.

Norton says I could call them with my problem ... but it will cost $29.95 to actually talk to a human being who can try and help me solve this problem. There's no guarantee the bitch can help me. The $30 is just for the option of talking to a human.

I just paid $60 for the program.

Now they wanna charge me $30 more to tell me it's a piece of crap.

I spent most of Saturday and Sunday on the Symantec site, typing in variations of "My fucking Information Wizard won't show the fuck up to help kick this shit into gear" in the Search field to no avail. It just kept popping up windows that basically said "So you love your Information Wizard, huh? Man ... ain't he the greatest thing on the Information Highway or what?"

Today I'm asking you guys ... if you know of any way I can find out more information (without paying for it) on how to access the Information Wizard on Norton SystemWorks 2004, pass it on, Slim.

Much obliged ... much obliged.

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