MC SANTA C ROCKS YOUR WORLD. DON'T FORGET IT.

Somewhere in the midst of the raucous hubbub which is my life (HA!), I completely neglected to share the story of my rapping Santa gig from about 10 days ago.

What I'm about to tell you could possibly jeopardize any future job opportunities I could obtain as a rapping Santa for hire. I'm willing to live with this haunting fact.

Basically, I've written out a rap with 39 verses.

That's right ... 39 verses. One for everyone at the company Christmas party.

Because I have the memory of a shoe, I have each of these verses printed out. I've learned enough of the rap so that I can look at the first line, glance at the second and rap the last two lines of each verse by memory. I'm good like that.

By the time the party started, myself and my three "elves" have had about five minutes of practice time. While I was concerned about the lack of preparation that had gone into this thing, my elves assured me that the most appealing part of the rap was going to be the unprofessionalism of it. The fact that we'd be winging it, so to speak, would be what got the biggest laughs.

We all ate first. Which was pretty stupid because the butterflies in my stomach all had raw nerves. As soon as I ate, I thought I'd vomit.

...It's not like I didn't clean my plate or anything. Shit. I may have been nervous but I'm not stupid. T'was a free meal, dude.

After the meal, several of the girls from the office were going to sing two quick Christmas carols. They had about as much practice time as me and the elves had had, but they were singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "We Wish You A Merry Christmas". I mean, c'mon. How much practice do you need for that.

After they sang, our instrumental beat would start, someone would cue me and I'd come out. I'd do a couple of "Awwww YEAH"s and "Somebody Say 'HO!'"s and then start the rap.

I had it planned perfectly. There were 41 verses in the instrumental track and I had written 39. Which meant the first two verses of the instrumental track could be used for me coming out and acting silly before starting the rap on the third verse.

Got it? Understand? Do I need to draw this all out on a chalkboard for you?

So the girls are getting ready to do their thing and I tell the leader "I need AT LEAST five minutes to get into the Santa Suit. Give me AT LEAST five minutes...more like ten."

Yeah yeah yeah.

Apparently, that was being rather prima-donna-ish. Like "Ohhhh...Santa's making demands ... yes Santa, whatever you say Santa."

Shit.

Anyone ever tried to get in a Santa Suit quickly?

Anyway ... I hustle back to the employee bathroom and I'm rushing to get in this thing.

I probably get in it in three minutes, tops.

I haul ass back to the entrance to the kitchen and wait for my cue.

I wait.

And I wait.

Oh.

That's right.

WE NEVER DISCUSSED MY FUCKING CUE.

Now, I've got a Santa wig on. Pulled down over that is a Santa hat.

I cannot hear jack shit in this loud kitchen.

Apparently, my song had already started without anyone telling me.

Wonderfuckingful.

I bounce out into the room and act really silly.

I've got a pair of dark sunglasses on. Which means I can't find my f'n microphone which had been laid down in a booth somewhere.

Luckily, my gal Wendigo was my prop girl. She wasn't wearing dark sunglasses, a wig, a fake beard and a heavy hat so she had the luxury of being able to actually SEE the microphone and handed it to me.

I'm already flustered at this point and realize that I've screwed up before I even started.

I start rapping.

I'm holding the lyrics in my hand.

I cannot see the f'n lyrics.

Here's the first verse verbatim:

"Well my name is MC Santa C,

And I'm here to rock your world.

Wasn't that some great mahi-mahi

From our friends at the Fishbone Grill?"

Here's how those lyrics came out:

"Well my name is MC Santa C.

...I can't see this thing.

Seriously ... I cannot see the lyrics.

Jesus ... I'm dying over here. Somebody. Somebody help. I can't see. I'm blind. I'M FUCKING BLIND OVER HERE GUYS. I HAVE A BEARD A WIG AND SUNGLASSES ON AND I CAN'T SEE THE FUCKING LYRICS, PEOPLE. SOMEBODY! SOMEBODY!!!"

I'm not sure who came to my rescue, but somebody ran over and snatched the sunglasses off my face. It could have been Britney Spears for all I know. I couldn't see jack shit.

I know it wasn't Wendigo. She was enjoying my inability to function at that point as you can see by the photo.

That's her to the side of Santa, laughing her ass off while I struggle like a one armed kid trying to tie his shoes.

At this point, I'm mortified. Never mind that we're getting major laughs ... I've completely lost my place in the rap. It's a very tight rap and had no room for flexibility. So while I'm rapping, I'm reading seven and eight verses ahead, trying to decide which verses to cut so it will all come in on time.

Plus, I'm having to count each verse in my head and wonder where I'm at. I've totally lost count of where I'm supposed to be.

So I stood there, hiding behind the lyrics like I still couldn't see them.

I could see them fine.

I was just having trouble showing my face to my co-workers after that debacle.

At seven minutes and 24 seconds, the song ended.

Everyone applauded and laughed.

I ran to the employee bathroom without saying a word to anyone. I changed out of my Santa Suit and was glad it was over.

I came back out and everyone said I did great. Lotsa handshakes and pats on the back and people wanting copies of the lyrics because they couldn't understand me because they were laughing too hard.

Or because I was trying to rap through a thick white beard.

Anyway ... it's over now and I couldn't be happier.

Yet another horribly bad idea saw its way to fruition through my misguided visions.

I'm still keeping the streak alive.