THE REVELATION

Oh man.

You have NO IDEA how happy I am right now.

Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed as being clinically depressed.

I was a bit taken aback by this diagnosis.

Uncle Bob? Depressed??

Granted, every single day of my life for the last several months have been spent dreaming up methods in which to kill myself ... but depressed??

Pschaw.

Depression is for people with stock in Gillette razor blades.

I'm not knocking those of you who suffer from depression. Believe me ... I know what it's like now. Like I was telling someone the other day, I was watching VH1 recently and the REM video "Everybody Hurts" came on and even though I've seen the video a million times, I burst into tears watching it.

That's not me.

I'm not depressed.

So I took my Zoloft like a good little boy for the last two weeks.

And I still felt ... you know ... not myself.

Sad.

Tired.

Bitter.

Creepy.

Sorry ... just throwing adjectives out there for no reason right now.

Anywhooo ... the doctor's office just called.

Can you say "misdiagnosis"?

That's right. I KNEW I wasn't depressed.

I was just ... sad and gloomy.

So what's wrong with me, you ask?

I virtually have zero amounts of testosterone in my body.

Technically, I'm a woman with a penis. And not that much of a penis to boot.

How easy is this to fix?

Apparently as easy as slapping a greasy patch on my arm every morning!

Testosterone will then be absorbed through my skin and I will become ... A MAN!!!

WHOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!

I just took this test on a website to determine if I have a low testosterone level.

Out of ten questions like "Having trouble getting it up, big guy?" and "That boss of yours still yelling at you for falling asleep eight hours a day?" I answered "yes" to every single one of them.

I FINALLY know what's wrong with me. This has been going on for several months now and I've finally got a diagnosis that I believe.

Within three months, I should have a healthy amount of testosterone in my body.

AND ... one of the side effects that can be caused by this patch is "unwanted and persistent erections".

YAHOOOOOOOOO!!!

GOOOOOO ME!!!

(I'm thinking about renting out the penis for bachelorette parties now)